Sensitivity Costs Nothing

I just saw a YouTube video and I had to have a rant. Not about the video itself, but you can find it here if you want the full context:

'Being Pregnant In Germany - 10 Things I Hate" by DontTrustTheRabbit https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r7yJgwyIMF0

I was mildly annoyed that one of her peeves was that people weren't expressing what she felt was the proper amount of interest in her pregnancy. It seemed like a rather unrealistic expectation, but then again I don't understand humans in the slightest. The only pregnancies I'd be that level of interested in will be my children's - should they choose to reproduce.

My own pregnancies weren't greeted with joyful congratulations, people actually offered me their sympathies because being a young mum is seen as such a terrible thing! I was scrolling through the comments to see if someone had left a similar message to the one I was contemplating when I saw something far worse.

A woman had written to the expectant mother not to take to heart perceived indifference from other people about her pregnancy; that they might be dealing with their own pain - she was speaking from her own experience of infertility - she can be happy for someone but doesn't want to discuss it further. And this complete BASTARD comes back at her, and I quote: "Don't defend the behaviour, most women are not sterile" and "Because they are so rare, they can be the one to point out whether or not it affects them".

AND I AM SO FUCKING ANGRY ABOUT IT!!!

Note: I am not in any way dismissing male infertility or the pain of thwarted parenthood of men or trans people - I am talking about a specific instance of a man being unnecessarily harsh to a woman, wrongly calling her infertility 'rare' and being incredibly insensitive to that kind of pain; and also my own experiences as a female of the species having had a taste of some of these issues. 

This man's response to a woman's sterility was not only incredibly insensitive but also extremely ignorant. Statistically, infertility affects about 10% of women aged up to 44. It is not especially rare.

But that's ONLY the medically identified cases. The statistics apply ONLY to women who're in relationships, trying for a baby and go to see a doctor about it when it doesn't happen. Women can be infertile outside of those parameters. 

Other scenarios include:

• Women who have suffered an illness, injury or having had a diagnosis (such as endometriosis or polycystic ovary syndrome) undergone a surgery or been put on medications they already KNOW will have impacted their fertility so never bother going for 'investigations'
• Couples who fear doctors / hospitals
• Women whose partners fear the problem is with them and refuse to contemplate diagnosis / treatment
• Couples do not believe in interventions, perhaps for religious reasons
• Couples who else-wise just accept their lot, particularly in terms of secondary infertility (if a woman has had prior pregnancies but isn't conceiving) 

...if they never seek medical help and therefore never get included in the statistics. 

Then there are a whole list of other heartaches a woman may be experiencing around the subject of pregnancy:

Women may be unhappily childless because they cannot find a partner or because their partner does not want children. It's not always a choice and not everyone will contemplate deliberate single parenthood.

Or maybe they are unhappy because they would have liked to have had more children than they do - through a partner's choice, financial circumstances, secondary infertility etc. Just because someone has a child or two doesn't mean they don't ache for other children they wanted but never had.

Maybe they had losses - miscarriages (one in four pregnancies ends in miscarriage, loss is very common), then there are terminations for abnormality (or other medical reasons), as well as stillbirths, neonatal deaths and loss of older children. Maybe they had an elective abortion at some point...I am emphatically pro-choice but regrets happen.

There are women who are unable to adopt or foster; because their circumstances do not make it an option or because they were rejected. Recently I encountered someone on Twitter who basically said I shouldn't validate my having had kids when I was young from my subsequent infertility (more of that in a minute) because I could have adopted instead. Like adoption is easy, or indeed to everyone's taste. It was a very infuriating situation and I ended up blocking the person.

There are many 100% VALID reasons why someone else becoming a mother might be a reason for a woman to experience personal sadness; and that sadness can't always be masked. You should honour your emotions and you should never feel like you have to explain these highly personal circumstances to anyone: 'Point out whether or not it affects them'?! Yeah, most people don't want to say "yeah, I was pregnant once but I lost the baby and after failed IVF I accepted I can never have a baby" especially in response to someone who just told you they're expecting.

This gets to me. For one thing, I follow a YouTuber who suffered a stillbirth after infertility - opening my eyes to a world of hurt which I, like so many others, had tried hard not to think about. She's amazingly candid about her experience but that doesn't mean all loss moms are going to want to talk about it to anyone, at any time, in any situation.

A number of these things apply to me:

• I was coerced into an abortion when I was 16 which left me an emotional wreck; then I had an early miscarriage of my 2nd pregnancy just 5 months later.
• I had my eldest child at 17 - my partner walked out on me, I was homeless and I had a very difficult, unsupported pregnancy. It was emphatically NOT a happy experience. I got a lot of hateful comments and judgement about my situation; I even felt 'slut-shamed' by medical staff.
• I had my youngest child at 20 - the same partner had AGAIN walked out on me. I was in a somewhat better personal situation but I had emergency surgery at 15 weeks and I went through that, and later going in to hospital to deliver, alone. A better experience but still far from ideal. This was when people offered me their sympathies on my pregnancy rather then congratulations.
• The surgery I had when I was 15 weeks pregnant left my left ovary damaged. Nine years later I had a recurrence - leaving both ovaries damaged. I was told I could go into menopause straight away and even if I didn't I would be contraindicated for fertility treatments. Basically this is what I was talking about above; if I hadn't had kids when I did I would never have been a mother. Being a teen mum isn't ideal but sometimes that's the only chance life is going to give you so don't judge when people take it.
• I never intended to be a single mother - it was just how things turned out...and since my kids' father last walked out on us when I was expecting our youngest I have been alone. I have never had another chance to try for another child. 

For years I had hoped I would meet someone new and I might have the pregnancy and childbirth experience with a partner I feel I missed out on. My second surgery seemingly put paid to that but although I did not go into menopause I remained single; I am now nearly 40 and sadly I realise my time is up. I am not going to be on any (secondary) infertility statistic but it's still something I live with. 

Even more confusingly, I had never even wanted kids...my ex was the one who wanted a family and he used the abortion against me as a kind of emotional blackmail. But I gave up my freedom, my hopes and dreams to raise my kids...and I would have rather have raised a half dozen than two. I feel giving up all those years of my life, all the opportunities missed, would have been more worthwhile if I had been raising more than two children. One child takes 18 years to raise, two with a three year age gap takes 21. Six kids with an average 2 years between them takes 28 years but seems like much better 'value' if you see what I mean. Maybe it sounds silly but I feel my life has been wasted - I have no career, no partner, no material achievements (house, car, holidays, pension fund etc) so I wish I had at least achieved more in terms of child-rearing.

I just feel a lot of sadness that I missed out on the magical experience motherhood is supposed to be. Literally nothing about it played out how I would have wanted. I don't mean this to be a 'poor me' post, more to show how I personally relate with the issues I'm talking about here... I know I have had it easy in comparison with others - I had one miscarriage not a dozen; I never had to deliver a dead child; I never had to go through the gruelling regime of IVF treatments without success.

It's a cultural norm, in the UK at least, that you avoid certain topics with pregnant women - foetal abnormality, pregnancy loss etc - because of the fear it can cause. Is it really so ridiculous to hope it will become a cultural norm that pregnant women maybe avoid gushing about their experience to people (particularly those they don't know, or don't know well) so as to avoid potentially hurting them?

Mind you, some people will still gush even when they should realise that they're hurting someone else...

Right around time time of my miscarriage a co-worker announced her pregnancy to the entire staff. I have never quite forgiven her because she KNEW what I was going through. We weren't close friends, I hadn't been there long, but she could have given me a little heads up or else not done it in my presence. I spent about an hour crying in the loo cos it felt like such a slap in the face. 

My ex bestie wanted to share her pregnancy with her adoptive mother as a 'gift' but was seemingly oblivious to the fact that all it did was tear open her mum's grief at never bearing a child of her own.

Sensitivity costs nothing, and I am uncomfortably aware I have not always been as sensitive to others as I could have been. But what the hell is wrong with a man who effectively tells a woman that her pain is her own problem? He can only have wanted to contradict her or to hurt her when there was no need to say anything at all. For this complete ARSEHOLE to wrongly dismiss sterility as 'rare', to seemingly have no concept of similarly painful experiences such as pregnancy loss or secondary infertility, to say a woman should have to say if she is hurting rather than expect anyone to exercise a little common sense, tact and caution around topics that are extremely sensitive absolutely makes my blood boil.