I just want to start by saying: this is MY blog. MY views, MY life experiences. I am very well aware that the person suffering most these past 12 months has been my mum. I know this because I have been witnessing it from the front row and what she is going through is just about the only thing scarier than what I am currently living.
Given that she watched her dad robbed of everything by stroke for sixteen years before his eventual demise and now she's living the same fate I am definitely up close and personal with the fear that this is my future too.
This past year I have discovered the trickery of time. The first week my mum was in hospital was far longer than the 51 weeks since. The 9.5 weeks she was in hospital were certainly longer than the 9.5 months which have followed.
This past year I have discovered a capacity for being at the brink of a nervous breakdown without actually tipping over the edge that I had never imagined someone of my dubious mental health to be capable of.
This past year I have discovered that ice running through your veins is not metaphorical but an actual physical sensation which is all kinds of unpleasant.
This year I have done things I never thought I'd be capable of and kind of wish I wasn't.
This past year I have discovered that gin solves nothing but fuck anyone who tells me to give it up. Do I give a shit for the state of my liver? No I bloody well do not!
This year I have discovered my ability to self-pity has no limits...
Approaching 40, and being curiously potato-like in visage and physique, I knew my chances ofmeeting a willing victim finding a life-partner and getting married were slimmer than I'd ever be. But you can't blame a spud for hoping. Following my mum's stroke however one of the hardest things to accept was that not only would I not have the opportunity to meet anyone (given that I barely leave the house) and that I present the least attractive prospect I ever have (living in ratty trackies and being zero income) but also I am now far too damaged to ever secure a mate.
Given that she watched her dad robbed of everything by stroke for sixteen years before his eventual demise and now she's living the same fate I am definitely up close and personal with the fear that this is my future too.
This past year I have discovered the trickery of time. The first week my mum was in hospital was far longer than the 51 weeks since. The 9.5 weeks she was in hospital were certainly longer than the 9.5 months which have followed.
This past year I have discovered a capacity for being at the brink of a nervous breakdown without actually tipping over the edge that I had never imagined someone of my dubious mental health to be capable of.
This past year I have discovered that ice running through your veins is not metaphorical but an actual physical sensation which is all kinds of unpleasant.
This year I have done things I never thought I'd be capable of and kind of wish I wasn't.
This past year I have discovered that gin solves nothing but fuck anyone who tells me to give it up. Do I give a shit for the state of my liver? No I bloody well do not!
This year I have discovered my ability to self-pity has no limits...
Approaching 40, and being curiously potato-like in visage and physique, I knew my chances of
Not to say that being a carer is always damaging or to such an extent but my life has been a series of unfortunate events from conception to the fact I woke up this morning. Nor is it to say that I've had it worse than anyone else - I just haven't got enough normal(ish) life experience to be relatable to someone who isn't as f*ck*d up as I am...and let's not go there. Not even to say that before this I felt sure I was capable of having a healthy relationship - just that I am now certain I could not. There are some things you just don't come back from. I may never have seen people getting blown apart in a war zone or whatever but *gazes off into middle-distance* I have seen things, things that stay with you...
Love is an act of courage. I'm all out. Could I take another risk? Nope. I've had all the hurt I can take and then some. I feel like an anti-gravity game of Jenga; there is literally nothing holding me together anymore.
This past week we've had a major scare - my mum had a fall. No injuries except badly damaged confidence that we feared, for several days, would lead to her never leaving her room again. She was literally terrified to move in case she fell...despite the fact that the only reason she'd been on the floor in the first place was that she'd accidentally rolled off her bed! Fortunately, she is now recovering her both confidence and strength following several days total inactivity.
There have been many times this past year I never expected we'd reach this anniversary; 365 days ago I didn't even expect she'd last the night. I never expected to give up my hopes & dreams, my job, my personal freedoms...but that's what happened. You just have to do what is needed. She never expected to be here either... We got her home from hospital, everyone's had a birthday, Halloween, one more family Christmas, sitting out in the sun or watching snow fall...now we're just waiting on her 1st Easter here and the anniversary of her moving in. After that we move into realms of repetition. Whodathunkit?!
We have no expectations for the year ahead - it will be what it will be.
Footnote
It's not just the situation with my mum leaving me barely hanging on...life continues outside our little bubble.
But sometimes it doesn't.
A relative has recently gone onto palliative care. Several friends of my mum and stepdad are facing serious health problems; my stepdad spent the first couple of months of 2019 in and out of hospital - he's signed a Power of Attorney document so I can be responsible for him too if need be (HELP!). A former co-worker recently died (50), as well as an internet friend I'd known for around a decade (34).
I could really use some positive life events...
Love is an act of courage. I'm all out. Could I take another risk? Nope. I've had all the hurt I can take and then some. I feel like an anti-gravity game of Jenga; there is literally nothing holding me together anymore.
This past week we've had a major scare - my mum had a fall. No injuries except badly damaged confidence that we feared, for several days, would lead to her never leaving her room again. She was literally terrified to move in case she fell...despite the fact that the only reason she'd been on the floor in the first place was that she'd accidentally rolled off her bed! Fortunately, she is now recovering her both confidence and strength following several days total inactivity.
There have been many times this past year I never expected we'd reach this anniversary; 365 days ago I didn't even expect she'd last the night. I never expected to give up my hopes & dreams, my job, my personal freedoms...but that's what happened. You just have to do what is needed. She never expected to be here either... We got her home from hospital, everyone's had a birthday, Halloween, one more family Christmas, sitting out in the sun or watching snow fall...now we're just waiting on her 1st Easter here and the anniversary of her moving in. After that we move into realms of repetition. Whodathunkit?!
We have no expectations for the year ahead - it will be what it will be.
Footnote
It's not just the situation with my mum leaving me barely hanging on...life continues outside our little bubble.
But sometimes it doesn't.
A relative has recently gone onto palliative care. Several friends of my mum and stepdad are facing serious health problems; my stepdad spent the first couple of months of 2019 in and out of hospital - he's signed a Power of Attorney document so I can be responsible for him too if need be (HELP!). A former co-worker recently died (50), as well as an internet friend I'd known for around a decade (34).
I could really use some positive life events...
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