So my (adult) kids were trying to guess my sexuality... UGH! I only figured out I was agender a few years back (updated blog here: https://heggie31.blogspot.com/2018/01/agender-ex-cinderella-and-name-change.html) and given the plethora of sexualities available these days I so very much didn't want to go there. I have been happier to assume I'm straight than that I was cis so whatever.
But anyway, the topic came up last night and there are my twenty-somethings looking at me speculatively trying to figure out what I am when I have no damn clue myself.
So here I am, forty-one-and-a-bit, trying to work out where I fit using nothing but Google and Instagram hashtags to find something that seems to be 'me'.
And I *may* be wrong but I *think* I found it - Heteroromantic Demisexual.
I can't spell it, I'll certainly never remember it. Kill me.
So the official-ish definitions go like this:
A heteroromantic person is a person who is romantically attracted to a member of the opposite sex or gender. Heteroromantic asexuals seek romantic relationships for a variety of reasons, including companionship, affection, and intimacy, but they are not necessarily sexually attracted to their romantic partners. Most heterosexual people are also heteroromantic. (source: http://wiki.asexuality.org/Heteroromantic)
A demisexual person is someone who does not experience sexual attraction to another person unless or until they have formed an emotional connection with that person. It's more commonly seen in, but by no means confined, to romantic relationships.
When describing demisexuality as an orientation to sexuals, it is often mistaken as an admirable choice rather than an innate orientation. Demisexuals are not choosing to abstain; they simply lack sexual attraction until a close, emotional, relationship is formed.
Though factors such as looks and personality do not affect primary sexual attraction for demisexuals (since demisexuals do not experience primary sexual attraction), such factors may affect romantic attraction, as with any other orientation.
(source: http://wiki.asexuality.org/Demisexual)
RIGHT. So the way I'm interpreting this (and feel free to sort me out if I'm wrong)...
Heteroromantic (nearly forgot that 2nd RO again, dammit) - I'm agender but I'm still happy to identify with she/her pronouns as a biological female so the 'hetero' element doesn't feel problematic. When I look at a cute guy I may have soft squishy feels, not X-rated ones. Decidedly more "I hope they're a nice human, I'd kinda like a candlelit dinner with that one" than "Yes, I would totally boink that". In fact, I only just discovered 'normal' people look at people of their preferred gender (if applicable) and skip the 'I'd like to get to know you' for the '...biblically' bit. Weird.
I look at cute females and have rather different soft and squishy feels - decidedly more "Why can't I be like that instead of an agender potato?!" again, rather than "I would totally go there".
Not ruling out one-night-stands (or getting off with a female of the species) but these things don't seem at all likely. Not saying I'd have to be IN a relationship with someone either, more that I'd have to WANT to be in a relationship with them to contemplate the other. Does that make sense at all?
And that's where the Demisexual bit comes in - I don't get the primary sexual attraction thing like AT ALL. I haven't been single all these years by choice, obviously a huge element is because I'm a hideous potato person who no one looks at that way, but also I am not interested in seeking a meaningless encounter for the sake of getting my jollies.
Sure, sex is great but have you tried having self-esteem in the morning?!
Unlike some definitions of demisexual I have (I assume) a perfectly healthy sex drive (TMI? Definitely. Soz.) it's just not so...overwhelming? that I want to do the you-know-what without getting to know someone at least a little bit.
Looks and personality of course I have my preferences but even finding someone who ticks a lot of boxes by the time you KNOW they tick those boxes you've developed an attachment, y'know? Or at least that's how I work.
EXAMPLE) My most recent humungous crush of which many of you will be painfully aware went like this:
- *sees for 1st time* Who is he? Who is he? Who is he?
- Band member? Check. *looks up name of band* Singer? Obviously. Guitar? Bonus!
- *looks up photos* Damn he's cute in close-up... Hazel-green eyes? Why am I not surprised.
- *reads interviews / watches youtube clips* Smart? Check. Funny? Check. How tall is he? 6' 2", excellent! Pronounces 'scones' correctly? Meh, no one's perfect.
And it was about THEN what's left of my hormones kicked in. I'll happily call it 'love at first sight' but I wouldn't call the attraction 'sexual' per se.
To close, I really like this joke:
Obviously the crux of the joke is that their 'sexuality' is basically just straight (with a preference for smart people they're already bonded with) and I can see why people would be offended by the 'queer' label being applied. As I said at the start, I've spent the best part of four decades presuming I'm just hetero, it's only learning that 'primary sexual attraction' is a thing that has made me realise any differently. I certainly don't see myself as 'queer', not least as that term seems derogatory to me although I know a lot of people embrace it.
Also, 'sapiosexual' is a virtually 'joke' sexuality identifier that is an attraction to brains, quite aside from any zombie tendencies. But it's also kinda true: intelligence is attractive. A dumbass'd have to be hella attractive in other regards...passion for a pet interest can be sexy, for example. Depends on the pet interest though... Dude could be REALLY hot, but then he says or does something incredibly stupid and it's like a bucket of ice on the libido.
Do you ever look at a dumbass and wonder how the hell they came to have a partner / spouse / significant other?! Especially when said partner / spouse / significant other is of normal or higher intelligence.
EG I have no idea what X sees in Y, what he lacks in smarts he makes up for in nose hairs.
So yeah, I am a biological female interested in males romantically with a view to more. Basically straight but experiencing it slightly differently, so it would seem.
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