Edited, mostly for location identifiers... although I really do call the local shop 'not-Athwal'. Additional comments in red.
TRIGGER WARNING!!!
This is my notes leading up to, and describing, the death of my mother.
1 Jan - And so, most implausibly, my mother has made it into another year!
Having suffered a severe, dual hemisphere stroke in April 2018 mum had further illnesses and events that, by the start of our reminiscences here, had left her almost entirely incapacitated.
2 Jan - Mum has been mostly asleep today. No obvious signs of trouble... but that only suggests this is a 'proper' decline rather than an illness.
3 Jan - Mum continueth sleepily.
4 Jan - Described a dream wherein mum got up (despite being fully immobile in reality) and went to a university lecture in a non-wheelchair accessible basement auditorium. I tried to follow her but got waylaid - then couldn't get in.
Honestly, it (the dream) was laden with symbolism - stopping short of hearing her old voice once more.
It was not prophetic (for today at least) but it has been somewhat of a 'rally'. She *should* have been wiped out by the full wash we gave her but after lunch SHE ASKED TO GO FOR A WALK [1]. Such a thing has never happened and for probably the last six months she's only been out of her room under extreme duress! But walk her we did.
6 Jan - Mum asked to go out AGAIN!! [2] I can hardly believe it. Dad and I managed to get her out and in by ourselves just fine. Unfortunately the river path was flooded so we did [...] just up CML along H, across thingummybob, down V and via the footpath.
7 Jan - Had already been up to town shopping when mum wanted a bacon butty (!) so I went back out for the fixings
Mum was helloing something awful tonight. When Erni came in to help her to bed she shouted: HELLLLOOOOO!! To which Erin responded: Buongiorno. Mum went: Hell...OH! and did a wide-eyed toddleresque startle. It was HILARIOUS!
My mum got caught in loops of saying 'hello' over and over. The word now stresses me out.
8 Jan - Mum's pretty 'off' again. Today she's eaten two fried egg sandwiches. No idea what's up.
My mum loved eggs. They did not love her back. Mum was allergic to raw / lightly cooked eggs (no flu or covid vaccines for her!) but at home I could be sure to cook them thoroughly... and any mistakes in that department I would be dealing with. Really unusual for her to want two sandwiches though, nice to see her with an appetite.
10 Jan - Went to not-Athwals because mum wanted egg sandwiches and cherry cakes - obliged on both.
Again, appetite is great but also her putting in requests was quite unusual.
11 Jan - Mum is back to doing fairly rubbish. She's not eating much, didn't drink a whole lot today, unhappy, muchas moaning & groaning & helloing.
14 Jan - Mum was pretty depressed / fearful last night so I camped in on her floor again.
Had a weird in-between sleep where I could *almost* hear her calling 'Heggie' in something akin to her old voice, yet sounding more like distant bells - whilst simultaneously hearing her snore.
Several times in the night the silence was startling.
This is particularly noteworthy looking back, as it was exactly a month before she passed.
Mum opted for ANOTHER walk today [3]. Now she's knackered but insisting on sitting up so I am watching Knives Out at her.
Mum disliked Knives Out. I think it was probably that she couldn't process Marta's accent, but also the plotline is quite complex. It says a lot that she tolerated me watching it.
15 Jan - Mum agreed to go out AGAIN [4] much to dad's horror. Poor old fart. He's really feeling the cold this winter but it's great mum's remembered the outside world exists.
16 Jan - Skipped mum's wash and got her up to Town! Yes, REALLY!! [5]
Mum had a coughing fit after her crumpets (really quite alarming) - she didn't lose her lunch but then she wanted more... and then more again!
This is noteworthy as (a) if mum had a coughing fit she'd usually declare she would never ever again eat / drink whatever happened to be there at the time, (b) where did that appetite come from?!
Went round to not-Athwals for her wishlist of sandwiches, nuts, biscuits AND CIDER!! What even?! It's 13:54 and she's sipping on a tropical Strongbow!
I asked her what she wanted, she asked what they had, I rattled off some random things, and she said 'yes'! Couldn't believe she actually drank the cider when it arrived.
Mum is sad and helloing this afternoon.
19 Jan - Got mum out for a walk [6 - her last with Neville]
20 Jan - Took mum for a loop up to the doctor's surgery. [7 - which is probably more times she left the house than in the ENTIRETY of 2024]
Mum had a weird incident tonight - telling me her baby was wrong.
I am her only child.
27 Jan - Mum was up past 1am watching Miss Marple.
28 Jan - I had to go to not-Athwals cos mum wanted Nutella.
5 Feb - Very off - no weight bearing - no gripping. Almost completely unresponsive. No eye-contact - no sounds, etc, etc. Mum hasn't eaten or drunk anything since midday yesterday. This doesn't worry me - not only is the woman part camel but she's entirely asleep and in no distress.
It's worth noting here that over a previous winter she had a 'rough patch' LASTING THREE MONTHS where she barely ate or drank anything... maybe 500ml a day and a handful of bites of food each week. When she finally perked up again we were in shock. Really changed my perception of what is survivable.
7 Feb - ...she ASKED FOR A DRINK which had me shooketh.
8 Feb - She may have decided to live a bit longer. Drank two pots of water while potted. Mum had a SANDWICH at lunchtime!
9 Feb - Mum continues unwell, uncooperative but sats steady. She hasn't eaten today. It's all pretty grim but I fear L may be right & my mother's an immortal!
This may sound callous but while she may have briefly enjoyed things - be it an episode of Vera or her 80th birthday celebration the previous October - mum's quality of life by this time was exceedingly poor. None of us feared her dying anymore.
10 Feb - No eats, no drinks, no change.
11 Feb - I was in with mum again last night. She kept telling me off for snoring.
Mum helloing something awful this afternoon. Then it got worse because it morphed into "Hallelujah" with an even greater frequency. FREAKY. AS. FUCK.
She was helloing at a rate of roughly every 30-40 seconds; the hallelujahs were every 20. It was JUST like in Doctor WHO - Miss Evangelista: "I can't think, I don't know, I-, I-, I-, ice cream, ice cream" (see https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gO1rsPxHY48). It went from hello to hel to h- to hal- to hallelujah. That scene is so much harder to watch now.
Mum wasn't religious. She hadn't set foot in a church except for family baptisms, weddings, or funerals in decades.
12 Feb - Mum has continued helloing
Weirdly, my memory cuts off at the hallelujahs...
I didn't note it in my diary but she was particularly unresponsive during her evening wash. When I lifted her Erin noted her eyes were open and said 'Oh, hello!' but got no response. That was the last time her eyes were open.
13 Feb - Reckon mum's comatose. She didn't stir, even when we washed her tonight. Her BPM has hit a high of 102 and a low of 25. Neither of which presented differently. Dad & Neville have been warned. I opened N's Valentine card and read it to mum.
Similarly this didn't worry me; it was what we expected of a normal dying process. So long as we could keep her clean, warm, comfortable there was no cause for alarm.
14 Feb - Turned mum at about 0915 with limited success - and again at 1610 with even less. Breathing has become more erratic. Can't get a BPM/O2% reading. This was written at 1707.
We finished the wash at about 7pm. Erin sat with her for about 10 minutes, I went back in at 1940 (half an hour after she was last seen alive). The erratic breathing had stopped, I couldn't sense any breathing at all. Mum had an undetectable carotid pulse anyway - an idiosyncrasy that's quite awkward at this juncture. The pulse oximeter hadn't produced a reading in hours... I wasn't nearly as sure as I needed to be - we had to call out an ambulance to confirm she was gone.
She was taken away a little before 1am on the 15th. She was warm for hours and could easily have passed for sleeping throughout.
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