Stumbled across an email about mum's stroke...saving it here as back-up

Explanatory notes:

• Email written to my younger daughter - I had only just told her about my mum's stroke and the conversation had been (from my end) at a bus stop in Central Reading...far from ideal and I was worried I had missed essential details. I did much the same over following weeks - especially when my aunt would ask if my mum was out of hospital yet...and I was worried I hadn't made it clear how serious the situation was. My aunt thinking she'd only be in hospital a week or two was a cause for concern - was I explaining it that badly?!
• Pogsy is a nickname for my dad. We have no idea why.
• Erni is a nickname for my elder daughter Erin after a preschool misspelling.
• I have taken out a bunch of names as I have mentioned immediate family before but not necessarily others.
• All changes are in [---] and I am not doing any corrections. I want to keep this true to the event.

I'm going to take things back a bit...

Grandma was in town for her dental appt. She spent Thursday & Saturday with my dad. The original idea was for me to go visit her after work Monday but as Erin was home (she's sprained her wrist by the way) we invited Grandma over for Sunday dinner. She arrived about 1130 and stayed six hours. She was fine, alert...although she did look 'tottery' as she walked out to her car but I put it down to being stiff and tired after a long afternoon sat on my sofa, and probably it was.

MONDAY

I worked a half day Monday and came home with a borderline migraine. Crawled into bed at 1530. Erni cooked dinner and I was just going for a shower at 8pm when the phone rang at 8pm. Erin answered it and a moment later, perfectly calmly she said "Mum, emergency". I took the phone. It was [mum's partner - hereafter 'N']. He said that mum had called about 3pm saying she was tired and going to rest. As the evening wore on and he didn't hear back from her he got concerned. I think he said he'd been trying for an hour and when she finally answered he couldn't understand her. Erin ran to dad's while I got dressed. Apparently Pogsy rang her, said curtly "I'm coming over" and minutes later we're in the car hightailing it over to her flat. Grandad driving while alarmed is also alarming. Pogsy wanted to go in first with me poised to call 101 (which as it turns out is the Police non-emergency number; he meant 111).

So Pogsy dashed in, Grandma was on the floor, sitting up but slumped against her armchair. Dad asked straight off if she wanted medical assistance and she replied clearly "Yes" a minute later I realised I was calling the wrong number and basically thought fukkit this is a 999 job. They kept asking questions geared at heart attacks and I realised that what I was describing didn't even sound like any kind of emergency so I said, quite truthfully, "I think she may have had a stroke". Felt awful for saying it where she could hear me but what can you do???

She was conscious or semi-conscious. She could answer some questions like the medical help one clearly enough but other words were slurred, mumbled, incomprehensible or just no response. Erin went outside to usher in the ambulance crew.

They came in and Pogsy stayed with her while she was being assessed and put into one of those chair carriers to get her out. Erin and I went into her bedroom. We couldn't find a bag or holdall so we nabbed her granny trolley (remarkably handy actually) and started packing it, she'd need fresh clothes and wash stuff for discharge if nothing else. I also called N with an update; he told me to ring whenever I knew anything. Pogsy was trying to find mum's meds etc.

I was going with mum in the ambulance, dad and Erin were coming to the hospital later...I forget why but dad wanted to come back to Woodley for some reason that seemed important at the time. Mum was asked if N or I would be her next of kin - eventually it was decided she was indicating me. It seemed to take forever to get to A&E. Mum was clearly in a bad way - groaning over ever bump and being sick. We arrived at A&E & mum was taken straight to a side room because of diarrhoea and sickness. It was bad cos she was begging for water but nil by mouth. She still hadn't been seen / cleaned up when Pogsy & Erni arrived but then she was cleaned & changed into a gown while the three of us went to the waiting area. Thankfully they let her have water then too.

After they left a doctor saw her and she was asked what happened and she was explaining away...making no sense at all. However later she was saying perfectly clearly she'd be there for hours and I should go home. It was just as confusing for me tbh.

We went through the night in much the same fashion - her practically speaking in tongues and complaining about the bright lights or other patients' bleeping monitors. She was moved to another side room in another part of A&E called Majors (as opposed to minors I presume). There was definitely some assumption that the diarrhoea and vomiting were the problem and that the state of mum was her normal condition which was difficult. Her blood pressure was really high as was her blood glucose. Another thing was she had retained urine. The scanned her bladder twice, twice on a bed pan and about half an hour on a commode before they finally catheterised her. We could have done without them 'joking' about burst bladders but I have to say I was almost as relieved as she was! There was talk of a urinary tract infection which would explain that and even the mental confusion and when mum asked "why am I like this?" that's what I told her. Dad was concerned it was related to her ongoing back pain (no idea how it could've been) and I had concerns she'd fallen and hurt herself, maybe her hip, and couldn't explain where. Broken bones can cause embolisms also resulting in mental confusion. Lots of theories, zero answers. They did however also have her on a saline drip, had given her an IV shot of antibiotics AND hooked her up to an insulin pump to get her diabetes back in check. At least once I brought up stroke and was told no, it's not that.

At 2am, probably when she was being catheterised, I nipped out to call N and Erin. But being a complete fuckup of a life my sim card had come loose and it was all I could do to get my contacts up on my phone let alone connect to a service. I called E from the reception desk and asked her to call N.

At about 0430 she was moved to the Acute Medical Unit (AMU) and again put in a side room. I moved her stuff in, established that she was staying put for the time being and left. By that point she was fast asleep. In fact, I think she slept through the entire transfer.

The buses had started running but I walked home from the hospital. It had been quite a traumatic night and I needed the air and time to do some processing.

TUESDAY

I got in and went to bed 0630...and then Pogsy rang at 0830 and that was that! Never been so grateful for a migraine nap in my life.

Don't remember an awful lot of Tuesday to be honest. Dad and I discussed a lot of the ifs buts and maybes of the situation and I started cleaning house (which was already not bad for us) with the idea that whatever happened mum recuperating at mine was the likeliest outcome. At some point Erni picked up Hennessy [our black cat] and saw blood on his hind left paw.

Erin came to the hospital with me in the afternoon. Mum was sleeping when we got there which was fair enough but when the consultant came in they could barely rouse her and things got properly worrying. The consultant was still thinking infection, I raised a number of concerns inc. stroke but again was told no. Mum could squeeze, albeit weakly, with both hands and wiggle both feet. I was told she'd be sent for a CT scan that evening.

Erni and I left, did a bit of shopping and went home again. At about 2030 I got a call from the hospital during which I got a dripfeed of info: them "what do you think happened?" me "Stroke?" them "I think you're right" then confirming that's what the CT scan showed then that it was severe. Then she asked about resuscitating her if she has a crisis: I said no. We've all talked about this for years but the doctor admitted that in my mother's situation she thought it wasn't in her interests. God knows how I held it together.

I went round to dad's just before 9pm and watched it hit him like a freight train. He swears blind I said it was a 'massive stroke' but I definitely said severe. I think he was hearing what he feared.

I was scheduled to run the shop Wednesday and it was really late to pull out so I decided to work it and then to go down to N's Thursday to tell him face-to-face.

Went home and fell apart for a bit.

WEDNESDAY

Couldn't concentrate worth a damn, stressed af and running on not nearly enough sleep.

Erni & Pogsy visited mum...during which time she didn't wake up AT ALL. Plans were changed. I called N and, hiding the situation from him suggested he come to visit for a few days so he could visit with mum properly. I needed to tell him the truth, face-to-face before letting [her brother] and [sister] know. Absolutely shitting it about making all these really hard phone calls.

I was definitely worried about telling you. I spoke to my area manager cos I had to let someone know that I might have to just drop everything at zero notice. It was her idea to contact your uni for advice.

I crashed at 9pm and got up just after Erin came in from work at midnight. I spent the night doing washing up and watching the Supernatural musical episode 😉 Back to bed at 0430.

THURSDAY 

Erni had made a vet appt for Hennessy at 9am - I couldn't be worrying about a sick cat too. We were only taking him out on the lead and he'd spent most of the last 24 hrs sleeping in his carrier. He didn't look right at all. Toe is very definitely injured. Painkillers & antibiotics for now, take him back next week if he's still bad or earlier if he gets worse. On the plus side he's walking without a limp.

N arrived at midday. by arrangement Erni popped out the back and to Pogsy's because I didn't think N needed an audience. I felt so bad for not telling him straight out but he understood why I didn't want him to hear by phone or to drive while distressed. After that Pogsy & Erni came round for lunch. The mock meat I'd bought for sandwiches wasn't vegan but fukkit for once. After that I started on the phone calls including to your uni where they advised me to tell you as I did for all I was worried about it.

I called [cousin T] to break the news to [mum's sister] and she gave me [cousin J's] number and I called him to tell [her brother]...and you know what happened??? T PHONED [mum's sister] and [mum's sister] phoned [her sister in law]! So much for me trying to get everyone told gently and in person! I was especially worried as Saturday is the anniversary of [my cousin] Allister's death.

I saw that you had a presentation so I held off until evening and that would have to be after N and I visited the hospital. Thank goodness really because I was so much happier for seeing her relatively alert. It's also a huge weight off my mind to know that most everyone knows. Actually managed to sleep fairly well last night!

N is staying here and Erni is camping at Pogsy's as you might need to if you decide to visit. We're all just doing whatever we can to help each other. Thank goodness my dad and N get on okay! They're fetching mum's car back here today so it can be kept an eye on. Dad worries about silly stuff like that; I worry about people.

So I think that's about it. Not gonna lie, this is still a deeply worrying situation. Will keep you updated.

It occurs that my grandad must've had his big stroke around the time my mum turned 40; he was in hospital that Christmas. He would have been 75 at the time. My mum's 73 and a half.

Pangs

Today is Thanksgiving in America.

Being neither American nor resident in America perhaps it is not my place to comment on their cultural practices but given ongoing world events it seems kind of relevant, so please read the whole thing - especially the paragraph in red.

And as the title might indicate to you I am basing this post around some Buffy The Vampire Slayer quotes from the Thanksgiving episode "Pangs"...so, to start with, as Anya put it: "To commemorate a past event, you kill and eat an animal. It's a ritual sacrifice. With pie." Certainly it is normal enough for us to have such a 'ritual sacrifice' - any past event is commemorated with feasting (with or without pie) such as birthdays, weddings, anniversaries and funerals...but is this a past event which should be commemorated with a 'celebratory' meal or with a service of sombre remembrance like (to use the American term) Veteran's Day? Well, I know which I personally think is more appropriate and my feelings on the subject mesh with Willow's: "Thanksgiving isn't about the blending of two cultures. It's about one culture wiping out another. And then they make animated specials about the part where [becoming flustered with anger] with the maize and the big, big belt buckles. They don't show you the next scene where all the bison die and Squanto (?) takes a musket ball to the stomach."

And I can totally see that Willow is right...the whole thing is sanitised in popular culture (like the above Snoopy and Woodstock cartoon) and whitewashed because people can't face the unpalatable truths of history. That said, feeling bad about history can be just as damaging as whitewashing though. What if the events weren't commemorated at all because of guilt?! In the words of Spike: "You won; all right? You came in and you killed them and you took their land. That's what conquering nations do. It's what Caesar did, and he's not going around saying "I came, I conquered, I feel really bad about it." The history of the world is not people making friends. You had better weapons and you massacred them. End of story." There is a lot of truth in that statement. History is brutal, we remember it because we need to - to avoid repeating our mistakes. Feeling bad about it achieves nothing, except creates a desire for the events to be forgotten.

And this is SO relevant to the current world situation. American states are closing their borders to Syrian refugees because a small proportion of them might be terrorists in disguse...this from a nation largely founded on those escaping persecution in Europe. So much anti Islamic propaganda and hatred...this from a nation which supposedly prides itself on diversity. And a Presidential candidate who, amongst many other appalling things, has said he would seriously consider forcing Muslims to carry 'special ID' in a move that screams of Jewish ghettos in Nazi Poland. 
And this is not just the case in America - I don't want this to come off as anti American at all - this is just as true here in the UK where our newspapers feed the (appallingly ignorant) masses a diet of ill-disguised propaganda. Our nation's attitude to migrants, refugees and our Islamic community is an absolute disgrace. People the whole world over are still as ignorant / racist / xenophobic as they ever were. It makes me beyond sad that humanity is anything but humane and that the lessons of history have been so blatantly ignored.

We all NEED to commemorate past events to avoid repeating them...but we do it anyway and what's worse is the PROXIMITY. We've just had Remembrance / Veteran's Day when Nazi atrocities are clear in our minds along with other terrible actions made under the guise of war. Today is Thanksgiving...yet we turn against people in need. 
And finally...