When my grandparents died, many years ago, and only a few weeks apart, I envisioned my grandfather who had passed first rejuvenated as the young groom he had once been - but instead of awaiting his bride at the alter he was awaiting her at the pearly gates. When she passed she was returned to her youthful state, radiant and joyful, reunited with her husband. It was a comforting vision.
Recently I heard of a child's passing which let to a rather different imaginary scenario. The name is deliberately omitted as it could apply to anyone with such a disability; this is not intended to represent their experience and I mean no disrespect.
An original expression by Rev'd Heggie Speller (ULC)
The God and the Goddess stand at the edge of the forest, looking out into the clearing. The God wears heavy robes in autumn gold and russet, he wears a magnificent pair of golden antlers on his head; he has a long bushy beard entwined with ivy, flowers and pine-cones. The Goddess looks rather like the girl's mother did - just before she brought home a baby brother. The Goddess' robes are floaty and pale, silvery like her skin.
The God and the Goddess stand at the edge of the forest, looking out into the clearing. Time does not work here as it does in the mortal world: they are always here, and always guiding the recently deceased in their journey through the forest - regardless of how long the journey might take. A small innocent child's journey might be a mere skip through the woods on a summer's day; an old man, burdened by guilt and regrets might have a trek through a near endless night, hounded every step of the way by fearsome beasts and spectres as he is forced to confront his wrongdoing.
There is always enough time. They have guided every soul that has appeared in the clearing, just as they always will. Every journey is different but they follow similar patterns, none is particularly unique - not even this one.
The God and the Goddess stand at the edge of the forest, looking out into the clearing. They are imbued with a certain amount of omniscience, not that it is usually necessary - they journey usually explains itself and much of the life that went before - but today the Goddess feels the new arrival's rare experience, she will need this insight to begin this particular journey.
This clearing, if you will forgive the pun, is not the physical plane. But a disembodied spirit is a distressing state find yourself in. So here, in the first steps away from 'life' the spirit manifests a form. The form is usually as the spirit was in life only whole and healed from any sickness or infirmities; the aged find themselves in the prime of life, the lame can walk, the blind can see, the mentally impaired are freed of those constraints. This is often a joyful moment but for those who have never experienced things such as independent movement or sight or clear thought it can be confusing, even frightening.
In the clearing stands a girl young girl, not a small child but not yet approaching the cusp of womanhood either. The girl exudes fear and the Goddess intuitively understands why - the girl's earthly existence was an especially difficult one. For all the girl's appearance is of having had several years on the mortal plane she had been born with a disorder which rendered her life experience more of a protracted infancy; everything is new and frightening to her, for all this place is designed to comfort all as the arrive. The girl has the air of a newborn fawn - struggling to stand on spindly legs that have never been used for such a purpose before; the wide eyed fear of a deer caught in the headlights only emphasises this impression.
"My dear, all is well," the Goddess speaks in a low tone as one gentling a skittish creature. "You have fallen asleep in one place and awoken in another, that is all."
The girl is just as confused that she understands what the Goddess has said as she is by being here.
"Your mother, your father, your brother, all your family... they will follow in their time. When you reach the other side of this wood they will be right behind you."
The girl's expression is astonished by the reference to her family, but not nearly so much as in a moment's time. The Goddess asks the girl's name and, having 'heard' the echo of the girl's mother's voice cooing her name from within the girl's memory, the goddess speaks the name aloud.
"I- I- I don't understand," the girl stutters, she has never spoken before. Her voice, barely used in life is suddenly formed into words and it startles her just as everything else has. Language is new to her but somehow it it there, in her newly able mind.
"All is well, child," the Goddess repeats soothingly. "You have fallen asleep in one body and awoken in another, that is all."
"I am... standing? Speaking?"
"Yes, child," replies the Goddess who has moved forward a little - the girl did not see her move but she is clearly now closer, the God is further behind. "When we travel through this place what was before is no more. It is no bad thing - what was broken is mended, what you could not do before you can now."
"Why could I not... before?"
"Every body is different - boys or girls or in-between, tall or short or in-between, fat or thin or in-between - and where some bodies work well, some don't. Some bodies start out okay and develop problems, some are born with problems."
"And I was born with problems?" The girl's face moved into an awkward facsimile of a frown, having never formed the expression before.
"Yes, child," the Goddess knew to leave it there whilst the girl used her new-found faculties to process the information.
"And the problems are gone now because that's... better? Better to not have problems?"
The Goddess can feel the bubbling resentment in the girl. Why should she have had to endure so much in her short life? The Goddess could see in her memories lying immobile while others moved around her, moved her inert body - sometimes, but never meaning to, causing her pain in the process. She hadn't resented it in life for she didn't understand it - now she was starting to. The God could see and feel all this too, and for the first time the God spoke, his voice rumbling deep like distant thunder:
"The differences we have in life are only for a time - when you move past time we move past differences too. Some people have an easy time, some people have it harder but by the time you get to your journey's end all is equal."
It was too advanced a concept for the girl who was still struggling to accept she was standing for the first time, barefoot on soft damp grass; speaking for the first time, to two strange beings she didn't recognise.
"Don't worry, child," murmurs the Goddess. "What was is done, and is no more. Now you can walk and talk and run and play and always hereafter - that is all that matters."
"What... what happens now?" The girl asks eventually. "What am I to do, now that I can?"
"Come with us, child," says the God.
"Come with us, child," says the Goddess.
"Where?"
"Into the woods, to the other side," says the God.
"You lived among trees before, didn't you?" The Goddess asks and the girl nods. "Now walk among them, run your hands across the rough bark, feel the leaves crunching underfoot."
"And my family will follow?"
"For you it will be only a moment, for them it will be many years," says the God.
"They will see you again and be overcome with joy," says the Goddess. Time does not work here as it does in the mortal world: the Goddess has seen the reunion happen already and knows her words to be the absolute truth.
The girl is still unsure but as she is unsure of everything going into the woods with the two strangers before her makes as much sense as anything. She feels wobbly on her feet, the pressure on her soles is strange, but as unfamiliar as the motion feels she takes her first steps and is graceful. The girl moves toward the God and the Goddess and enters the forest with them.
There is always enough time. The God and the Goddess encourage the girl to look and absorb every colour and texture and experience the wood gives her - they stop to smell the wild roses and the movement of a caterpillar, they stand in the stillness and listen to the birdsong. And yet the girl's journey is done in a heartbeat for there are no chasms to cross, no darkness to endure, no ferocious animals to outrun; the girl's sufferings are over.
They emerge from the forest into an open meadow. Wildflowers bob in a gentle breeze, stands of trees offer welcome shade, willows trail in a shallow stream that ripples over polished stones.
"What now?" asks the girl. As she turns the God and Goddess are leading her mother and father and brother out of the forest. Her mother and father are much as she remembers them, but her brother who was just a little boy a moment ago is an older man - for he grew up, got married, had children and saw them grow to adulthood long ago.
Despite them all seemingly arriving together they greet each other with such joy it is as if they have not seen each other in years. The girl stands in confusion and watches the outpouring of love between them. Then, finally, her mother sees her - her smile is brilliant sunshine, her tears of joy are soft summer rain.
"My baby! My baby!" she cries, raining kisses on the girl she has not seen in decades. The mother is overwhelmed at the strength in the arms that were never able to return her hugs before.
"Mummy!" cries the girl in return, so far as any of them are concerned this was her first word, for the God and the Goddess are forgotten about and the family is whole again.
Time does not work here as it does in the mortal world; the family meet and greet those who died long before and those who had yet to be born. The girl's fragile, limited mortal existence fades from her mind like a dream upon waking - she runs in the grass and picks handfuls of colourful flowers which instantly reappear on the broken stems; she paddles in the chill water of the stream. Her family too forget the sufferings they saw her endure and watch the child she has been reborn as with joy. Eternity is a family picnic on an idyllic late-summer afternoon. There is no hunger, nor thirst; no pain, no regret; no need to sleep, no need of any kind at all. They are complete.
The God and the Goddess return through the forest to the arrivals clearing in the mere blink of an eye, ready to guide and reunite more souls crossing from life into the hereafter.
Showing posts with label spirituality. Show all posts
Showing posts with label spirituality. Show all posts
Friday, 24 April 2020
Saturday, 7 May 2016
On the nature of God
Last year (2014-15) I took a level two module in Philosophy; this academic year I've been taking level three Classical Mythology. During this time two of my cousins (who were brothers) have died - Sean (49) was killed in a motorcycle accident in October '14 and Allister (52) passed away from a brain tumour just two weeks ago in April '16.
These things have led me to contemplate deeply the nature of God.
His Holiness The Dalai Lama advises against conversion stating that it is "advisable for people to stay within their traditional religious folds" (http://www.thehindu.com/todays-paper/tp-national/tp-otherstates/religious-conversions-are-not-advisable-says-dalai-lama/article4278920.ece) and when I experienced my spiritual awakening, with what I perceive as a miracle, in 1996 it seemed natural to lean toward my own religious background - The Church Of England.
Now this is a subject of some debate because although my parents describe themselves as agnostic they definitely lean towards atheism. I was not raised in any faith - my parents come from CofE backgrounds although my late maternal grandfather was raised a Catholic (one of his cousins also died recently, she was a nun with the Little Sisters of the Poor). Two of my schools made occasional CofE visits but I more frequently attended a Methodist church during my time in The Girls' Brigade.
For a number of years I attended church and even took confirmation but organised religion never gelled with my personal sense of God. Interestingly my recent studies have only acted to strengthen my personal beliefs and that is what I wish to share here.
The thing that annoys me most about religion and the arguments against it mistakes religion for FAITH. Religion and religious texts are blatantly man-made. Separating the two seems impossible in most people's eyes - the atheist gloats that someone's religious logic is fatally flawed whilst unaware that this does not equate to there being no god. Faith is something you feel in your heart and soul; religion is something that is learned or indoctrinated. I BELIEVE that there is a power in the universe I refer to as God. It is not logical or reasonable or provable; it is something I feel and no one can tell me it's not real because it is to me.
The Bearded Man In The Clouds
(The European visualisation of the Judeo-Christian God)
Clement saw that man created gods in his own image rather than the other way about stating: "Ethiopians say that their gods are flat-nosed and black, and Thracians that theirs have blue eyes and red hair" (Miscellanies, 7.22.1) and that if animals could draw "Horses would have drawn horse-like gods, cows cow-like gods, and each species would have made the gods' bodies just like their own" (Miscellanies 5.109.3). To me this is absolutely right - man has created God in his own image, not the other way about.
Good
Plato puts the following words into the mouth of his character Socrates: "Now gods, of course, are really good aren't they, and must be described as such?" (Republic 2.379b1)...but WHY? Once again we're clothing god in, if not our own attributes, then our expectations. We expect god to be good and then try to explain away pain and suffering. Of course, all things exist in balance; we cannot appreciate the light without the dark as a contrast. But beyond that there really is no reason to assume god created life out of love and wisdom and goodness...just because life may have been created by a sadistic idjit out of magic playdoh doesn't negate the role of aforementioned idjit as god.
This is essentially the same as building up a celebrity (whom we do not know personally) to be some sort of idol, a role model, an inspiration. Which is not to say we shouldn't do that but all the same, when we accept our idol's faults and appreciate them as a real human being like any other then our admiration is more worthy - building someone up, placing them on a pedestal and then blaming them for not living up to our expectations...now THAT is idiotic!
Omniscient
(all-seeing, all-knowing)
Sextus Empiricus had the measure of this: "...some shrewd and clever man first invented fear of the gods for mortal men, so that the wicked might have something to fear, even if their deeds or words or thoughts were secret" (Against the Professors 9.54, l. 12-15).
Yeah...God isn't watching you taking a dump or having sex or whatever. That's just creepy. However I do believe that the good or bad we do does affect us in a tangible way. I am undecided on the nature of an afterlife - most of the myths about it are entirely too constructed and I strongly suspect there isn't one. Perhaps God sends good and bad stuff your way based on how you act (karma), perhaps your sins stain your soul or your aura. I have no idea and I don't care a huge deal. I believe that people choose how to act, that religious beliefs and human laws shape how we choose to act but that we can still choose to be good without the threat of damnation.
Omnipotent
(all-powerful)
If a god or gods create all things then that god must be all-powerful and in control of everything, right? If you build a house are you responsible for it and everything that happens within it for all time? If you have a child are you responsible for their actions for their whole lives, and the actions of their children and their children's children? This makes no sense. Assuming a God created the world and all in it why assume *he* didn't gift it to us and that what happens thereafter is our own problem?
Now, I personally feel that we're all working to a plan. There's free will but there's also a design guiding us along. I don't believe god decides who lives and who dies because everyone dies. I believe that each person is here for a reason - and if you haven't 'fulfilled your purpose' then you'll survive even the weirdest of accidents. And your purpose could be tiny - I believe in the domino effect: each person has an effect on the next. My life has been changed any number of times by random people who will have no clue that they touched my life at all...most notably two mums at the GPs in 2012 talking about lactose intolerance. They could never have any idea that their conversation turned my life around and consequently my being well for the first time in over a decade has made it possible for me to go places and do things I couldn't have risked before. Perhaps at some point I will fulfill a purpose in a similar way, perhaps I have already done so. Who knows?
I love the Final Destination films because they fit so well with my ideas on this - that when your time is up, your time is up. If you're still meant to be here you will live another day, if you're not you won't and the more you interfere with the design of the universe the worse it'll be when it finally catches up with you.
Omnipresent
(present everywhere)
Now THIS is an idea I can really get behind - I view God as the Ch'i (Qi) of the universe; the life-force which exists everywhere and in all things. This also explains for me why I feel closer to God in natural surroundings; the more man has manipulated the environment the more disturbed that life-force is. God still exists in a modern high-rise but it's easier to feel on a beach or in a woodland or on top of a mountain...
So yeah, there you have it. That's the basic version of how I personally view god; not as the creation of man but the sense of power and design I FEEL at work in the world around me.
These things have led me to contemplate deeply the nature of God.
His Holiness The Dalai Lama advises against conversion stating that it is "advisable for people to stay within their traditional religious folds" (http://www.thehindu.com/todays-paper/tp-national/tp-otherstates/religious-conversions-are-not-advisable-says-dalai-lama/article4278920.ece) and when I experienced my spiritual awakening, with what I perceive as a miracle, in 1996 it seemed natural to lean toward my own religious background - The Church Of England.
Now this is a subject of some debate because although my parents describe themselves as agnostic they definitely lean towards atheism. I was not raised in any faith - my parents come from CofE backgrounds although my late maternal grandfather was raised a Catholic (one of his cousins also died recently, she was a nun with the Little Sisters of the Poor). Two of my schools made occasional CofE visits but I more frequently attended a Methodist church during my time in The Girls' Brigade.
For a number of years I attended church and even took confirmation but organised religion never gelled with my personal sense of God. Interestingly my recent studies have only acted to strengthen my personal beliefs and that is what I wish to share here.
The thing that annoys me most about religion and the arguments against it mistakes religion for FAITH. Religion and religious texts are blatantly man-made. Separating the two seems impossible in most people's eyes - the atheist gloats that someone's religious logic is fatally flawed whilst unaware that this does not equate to there being no god. Faith is something you feel in your heart and soul; religion is something that is learned or indoctrinated. I BELIEVE that there is a power in the universe I refer to as God. It is not logical or reasonable or provable; it is something I feel and no one can tell me it's not real because it is to me.
The Bearded Man In The Clouds
(The European visualisation of the Judeo-Christian God)
Clement saw that man created gods in his own image rather than the other way about stating: "Ethiopians say that their gods are flat-nosed and black, and Thracians that theirs have blue eyes and red hair" (Miscellanies, 7.22.1) and that if animals could draw "Horses would have drawn horse-like gods, cows cow-like gods, and each species would have made the gods' bodies just like their own" (Miscellanies 5.109.3). To me this is absolutely right - man has created God in his own image, not the other way about.
Good
Plato puts the following words into the mouth of his character Socrates: "Now gods, of course, are really good aren't they, and must be described as such?" (Republic 2.379b1)...but WHY? Once again we're clothing god in, if not our own attributes, then our expectations. We expect god to be good and then try to explain away pain and suffering. Of course, all things exist in balance; we cannot appreciate the light without the dark as a contrast. But beyond that there really is no reason to assume god created life out of love and wisdom and goodness...just because life may have been created by a sadistic idjit out of magic playdoh doesn't negate the role of aforementioned idjit as god.
This is essentially the same as building up a celebrity (whom we do not know personally) to be some sort of idol, a role model, an inspiration. Which is not to say we shouldn't do that but all the same, when we accept our idol's faults and appreciate them as a real human being like any other then our admiration is more worthy - building someone up, placing them on a pedestal and then blaming them for not living up to our expectations...now THAT is idiotic!
Omniscient
(all-seeing, all-knowing)
Sextus Empiricus had the measure of this: "...some shrewd and clever man first invented fear of the gods for mortal men, so that the wicked might have something to fear, even if their deeds or words or thoughts were secret" (Against the Professors 9.54, l. 12-15).
Yeah...God isn't watching you taking a dump or having sex or whatever. That's just creepy. However I do believe that the good or bad we do does affect us in a tangible way. I am undecided on the nature of an afterlife - most of the myths about it are entirely too constructed and I strongly suspect there isn't one. Perhaps God sends good and bad stuff your way based on how you act (karma), perhaps your sins stain your soul or your aura. I have no idea and I don't care a huge deal. I believe that people choose how to act, that religious beliefs and human laws shape how we choose to act but that we can still choose to be good without the threat of damnation.
Omnipotent
(all-powerful)
If a god or gods create all things then that god must be all-powerful and in control of everything, right? If you build a house are you responsible for it and everything that happens within it for all time? If you have a child are you responsible for their actions for their whole lives, and the actions of their children and their children's children? This makes no sense. Assuming a God created the world and all in it why assume *he* didn't gift it to us and that what happens thereafter is our own problem?
Now, I personally feel that we're all working to a plan. There's free will but there's also a design guiding us along. I don't believe god decides who lives and who dies because everyone dies. I believe that each person is here for a reason - and if you haven't 'fulfilled your purpose' then you'll survive even the weirdest of accidents. And your purpose could be tiny - I believe in the domino effect: each person has an effect on the next. My life has been changed any number of times by random people who will have no clue that they touched my life at all...most notably two mums at the GPs in 2012 talking about lactose intolerance. They could never have any idea that their conversation turned my life around and consequently my being well for the first time in over a decade has made it possible for me to go places and do things I couldn't have risked before. Perhaps at some point I will fulfill a purpose in a similar way, perhaps I have already done so. Who knows?
I love the Final Destination films because they fit so well with my ideas on this - that when your time is up, your time is up. If you're still meant to be here you will live another day, if you're not you won't and the more you interfere with the design of the universe the worse it'll be when it finally catches up with you.
Omnipresent
(present everywhere)
Now THIS is an idea I can really get behind - I view God as the Ch'i (Qi) of the universe; the life-force which exists everywhere and in all things. This also explains for me why I feel closer to God in natural surroundings; the more man has manipulated the environment the more disturbed that life-force is. God still exists in a modern high-rise but it's easier to feel on a beach or in a woodland or on top of a mountain...
So yeah, there you have it. That's the basic version of how I personally view god; not as the creation of man but the sense of power and design I FEEL at work in the world around me.
Wednesday, 19 November 2014
Faith and Philosophy and Erni
I am currently working through the second of six text books on my current Open University course: A222 Exploring Philosophy. Book 2 is entitled 'The Philosophy of Religion' and it's giving me issues so I decided to write a blog entry on my issues of faith.
I was raised by agnostic parents. Both had been raised Church of England Christian but both had rejected organised religion. I don't think my dad ever cared for it but I recall attending church as a VERY small child - most likely no more than 3 years old. Religion - specifically Christianity - had very little place in my upbringing. I was sent to Girls Brigade (associated with a Methodist church) because there were no available places at Brownies; I attended a Church of England primary school for less than 2 years after I was pulled out of my previous school due to bullying (and left to go to secondary)...that was about it. Christmas wasn't a big deal in my family and what there was of it was definitely non-religious.
I remember being fascinated by religion - Cathedrals, temples, religious art, ancient faiths...but I never believed in the possibility of a God or Gods. I was most decidedly an atheist although in the 19 years since my epiphany my thinking on the subject has been somewhat forgotten.
Epiphany.The experience of sudden and striking realisation. Yes, that's the right word.
Today I had one of the most positive Twitter interactions in my 5 years on the site. It began with a comment I posted in relation to my OU materials:
I used to be an atheist. But listening to these atheists makes me cringe...such dumbarsery.
The atheists on the audio file may have had good and valid beliefs but the arguments presented were pure dumbarsery. Taken out of context I would have understood an atheist being quite pissed off with that tweet but a tweeter whose bio reads:
replied most politely:
Cool. Thanks for the response. Take care. :)
Given that I am quite used to my views (on any number of topics) being ridiculed or attacked I was dead chuffed that this was so positive. In the 21st century miracles are rather frowned upon but to me that's what happened. Someone else may rationalise it any way they want but it won't shake my belief that some higher power - which I shall call God - was at work.
My Miracle
On January 12th 1996 my daughter Erin was born. Many people consider 'the miracle of birth' to be a profound moment in their lives but my experience was a tad more literal perhaps.
A little background: I was a 17 year old single mother. I was not a happy bunny. I had never wanted children but following an unplanned pregnancy and trauma around a period of homeless and subsequent abortion...well, stuff happened. I was in no way, shape or form ready to be a parent. I was broke and living in a shelter. Life was hell enough. Add to this a pregnancy with repeated infections, hyperemesis gravidarum throughout (extreme morning sickness) and any ache, pain or niggle known to womankind I had really had enough. I had planned my suicide for after the birth due to depression over my abortion, my ex leaving me and my general situation.
Erin was born at 40 weeks +11. I had been induced as I was overdue and my labour had been horribly mismanaged...it lasted, by my reckoning, 27 hours. I was so out of it from exhaustion anaemia and blood loss that I wasn't aware of much at the time but later my mum (who was with me throughout) told me the truth of Erin's delivery. What she told me changed my life.
Erin's heart rate, monitored throughout, kept dropping off with every contraction but the midwife brushed it off...she should have been delivered by emergency Caesarian. The delivery took way longer than it ought to anyway - but they never tried ventouse or forceps either - I was just left to struggle to deliver a 9lb 11oz baby naturally. As it turned out the cord was twice around her neck and once around her body - she had been strangled and oxygen starved with every contraction for HOURS.
My mother described the delivery. Erin was blue and jelly like. She lay on the bed - no movement, no cry, nothing. The midwife DID NOTHING. My mother thought Erin was dead and threw herself on top of me so I wouldn't see.
My mother doesn't do emotion much. I thought it was weird her suddenly hugging me but I thought maybe she was acting the part for the midwife's benefit. In all honesty - if Erin had been dead, at that moment I was far too shattered to give a fuck about absolutely anything. Soz Erni!
Anyhoo, the way my mother told the story is that Erin started going pink. She'd just been left there, the midwife had done absolutely nothing to help or resuscitate her - didn't even check for a pulse. Then, as my mother was on top of me she'd called to my mum to hit the alarm button. People came running and there was a good bit of fuss...eventually I held Erin and there were photos and the usual stuff. But she was not given any particular treatment. They *might* have puffed some oxygen at her but absolutely nothing else.
My mother told me all this later due to concern about brain damage. Erin's father's sister had a baby boy who'd stopped breathing just after he was born - he was subsequently diagnosed with cerebral palsy. So there I am - 17, broke, in a shelter, new baby, stressed, traumatised, broken hearted from my partner's desertion...and now I find out that my baby damn near died at delivery - which to me was the defining moment of realisation that there was a God - and might well be brain damaged.
I'm not entirely sure WHY Erin's survival meant there had to be a God...it just DID, if you see what I mean. She was somehow meant to be here. I felt like I had been given a second chance to be a mother; particularly after my earlier abortion and a subsequent early miscarriage. I forgot about my planned suicide and stepped up to being a parent.
Over the years I watched Erin like a hawk and worried endlessly about her development. Was she deaf? Autistic? She was misdiagnosed as dyslexic at one point... She left school with 11 GCSEs (9 A*-C), passed her A-levels and this September started university. If anything could strengthen my belief that a miracle happened at her birth it would be that. For all that oxygen starvation the only possible indication of damage is that she is colour-blind...however, as her younger sister (full-blood, I was reunited with their father for a time) is also colour-blind and suffered no birth trauma it seems Erin was actually completely unscathed. If that's not a miracle I don't know what is! You might say it's chance or luck or that it wasn't that severe...but simply I can never believe it.
How I define God and what my faith is are topics for another time or never.
I was raised by agnostic parents. Both had been raised Church of England Christian but both had rejected organised religion. I don't think my dad ever cared for it but I recall attending church as a VERY small child - most likely no more than 3 years old. Religion - specifically Christianity - had very little place in my upbringing. I was sent to Girls Brigade (associated with a Methodist church) because there were no available places at Brownies; I attended a Church of England primary school for less than 2 years after I was pulled out of my previous school due to bullying (and left to go to secondary)...that was about it. Christmas wasn't a big deal in my family and what there was of it was definitely non-religious.
I remember being fascinated by religion - Cathedrals, temples, religious art, ancient faiths...but I never believed in the possibility of a God or Gods. I was most decidedly an atheist although in the 19 years since my epiphany my thinking on the subject has been somewhat forgotten.
Epiphany.The experience of sudden and striking realisation. Yes, that's the right word.
Today I had one of the most positive Twitter interactions in my 5 years on the site. It began with a comment I posted in relation to my OU materials:
I used to be an atheist. But listening to these atheists makes me cringe...such dumbarsery.
The atheists on the audio file may have had good and valid beliefs but the arguments presented were pure dumbarsery. Taken out of context I would have understood an atheist being quite pissed off with that tweet but a tweeter whose bio reads:
replied most politely:
What convinced you God exists?
and when I replied with "Personal experience, specifically of a miracle." responded:Cool. Thanks for the response. Take care. :)
Given that I am quite used to my views (on any number of topics) being ridiculed or attacked I was dead chuffed that this was so positive. In the 21st century miracles are rather frowned upon but to me that's what happened. Someone else may rationalise it any way they want but it won't shake my belief that some higher power - which I shall call God - was at work.
My Miracle
On January 12th 1996 my daughter Erin was born. Many people consider 'the miracle of birth' to be a profound moment in their lives but my experience was a tad more literal perhaps.
A little background: I was a 17 year old single mother. I was not a happy bunny. I had never wanted children but following an unplanned pregnancy and trauma around a period of homeless and subsequent abortion...well, stuff happened. I was in no way, shape or form ready to be a parent. I was broke and living in a shelter. Life was hell enough. Add to this a pregnancy with repeated infections, hyperemesis gravidarum throughout (extreme morning sickness) and any ache, pain or niggle known to womankind I had really had enough. I had planned my suicide for after the birth due to depression over my abortion, my ex leaving me and my general situation.
Erin was born at 40 weeks +11. I had been induced as I was overdue and my labour had been horribly mismanaged...it lasted, by my reckoning, 27 hours. I was so out of it from exhaustion anaemia and blood loss that I wasn't aware of much at the time but later my mum (who was with me throughout) told me the truth of Erin's delivery. What she told me changed my life.
Erin's heart rate, monitored throughout, kept dropping off with every contraction but the midwife brushed it off...she should have been delivered by emergency Caesarian. The delivery took way longer than it ought to anyway - but they never tried ventouse or forceps either - I was just left to struggle to deliver a 9lb 11oz baby naturally. As it turned out the cord was twice around her neck and once around her body - she had been strangled and oxygen starved with every contraction for HOURS.
My mother described the delivery. Erin was blue and jelly like. She lay on the bed - no movement, no cry, nothing. The midwife DID NOTHING. My mother thought Erin was dead and threw herself on top of me so I wouldn't see.
My mother doesn't do emotion much. I thought it was weird her suddenly hugging me but I thought maybe she was acting the part for the midwife's benefit. In all honesty - if Erin had been dead, at that moment I was far too shattered to give a fuck about absolutely anything. Soz Erni!
Anyhoo, the way my mother told the story is that Erin started going pink. She'd just been left there, the midwife had done absolutely nothing to help or resuscitate her - didn't even check for a pulse. Then, as my mother was on top of me she'd called to my mum to hit the alarm button. People came running and there was a good bit of fuss...eventually I held Erin and there were photos and the usual stuff. But she was not given any particular treatment. They *might* have puffed some oxygen at her but absolutely nothing else.
My mother told me all this later due to concern about brain damage. Erin's father's sister had a baby boy who'd stopped breathing just after he was born - he was subsequently diagnosed with cerebral palsy. So there I am - 17, broke, in a shelter, new baby, stressed, traumatised, broken hearted from my partner's desertion...and now I find out that my baby damn near died at delivery - which to me was the defining moment of realisation that there was a God - and might well be brain damaged.
I'm not entirely sure WHY Erin's survival meant there had to be a God...it just DID, if you see what I mean. She was somehow meant to be here. I felt like I had been given a second chance to be a mother; particularly after my earlier abortion and a subsequent early miscarriage. I forgot about my planned suicide and stepped up to being a parent.
Over the years I watched Erin like a hawk and worried endlessly about her development. Was she deaf? Autistic? She was misdiagnosed as dyslexic at one point... She left school with 11 GCSEs (9 A*-C), passed her A-levels and this September started university. If anything could strengthen my belief that a miracle happened at her birth it would be that. For all that oxygen starvation the only possible indication of damage is that she is colour-blind...however, as her younger sister (full-blood, I was reunited with their father for a time) is also colour-blind and suffered no birth trauma it seems Erin was actually completely unscathed. If that's not a miracle I don't know what is! You might say it's chance or luck or that it wasn't that severe...but simply I can never believe it.
How I define God and what my faith is are topics for another time or never.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)