Families are bloody weird things, aren't they? Along with all the other aspects of being human I just don't get 'family' seems a very peculiar concept.
That we require parents to be born and to survive early childhood seems fairly straightforward as does the idea that most people will remain in contact with these caregivers and any siblings. I have often likened this bond to Stockholm Syndrome: affection caused by close proximity and shared trauma. You may deduce that I have some difficult familial issues.
I was the only child of unmarried but cohabiting on not-the-friendliest-of-terms parents; I was a fully single* mother of two (*by which I mean zero contact with their father, zero child support, no boyfriends or other co-parenting type person - regardless of time-frame - from the time I was expecting my youngest until they reached adulthood). This means my immediate family consists of my mother and her partner of the last 11 years, my father and my two adult children. So far, so ordinary.
I have quite a large extended family - eight cousins on my mum's side, (who had 20 kids between them and now have 9 grandkids too) two on my dad's side (and another 4 kids there). However, between geography, my parents' relationships with their siblings and a significant age gap between me and most of my cousins there was no relationship there while I was growing up.
The only reason we connected more recently was when my cousin S died in a motorcycle crash back in 2014. I am immensely grateful that we did reconnect as we lost S's brother A to cancer only 18 months later.
Yesterday I went to a funeral for a great aunt on my dad's side of the family. He is not close to his family although he has three brothers. I changed my name at 15...no one on that side had got the memo although I had only met three people in the room before, four if you count the deceased. I'm nearly forty FFS! I'd met the deceased but none of her three daughters nor anyone else in the extended family. I hadn't seen anyone in the room since I was about 13 (I *thought* I'd seen my uncle P when my daughter was a baby but he insisted he'd never met her so I guess not).
My dad is interested in family history and although he tried to engage in conversation and ask questions none of them seemed at all bothered. I feel bad for him that he's trying and getting nowhere. There were the usual niceties of "why do we only meet at funerals?" and "we must meet up more often"...not a note of sincerity behind the words. For my maternal cousins the reminder of mortality was a trigger to get us to know each other better; on my dad's side I guess it's not happening.
It just makes me wonder... Why do some families do the tight-knit thing the media tells us is normal while others just don't? It's not always a matter of falling out, sometimes it's just a case of utter disinterest. I get it though. Why should you have a connection with people you don't really know, who all you have in common is a similarity of DNA? It just really sucks when you would have liked to have a more meaningful relationship.
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