Family is just a state of mind

Families are bloody weird things, aren't they? Along with all the other aspects of being human I just don't get 'family' seems a very peculiar concept.
That we require parents to be born and to survive early childhood seems fairly straightforward as does the idea that most people will remain in contact with these caregivers and any siblings. I have often likened this bond to Stockholm Syndrome: affection caused by close proximity and shared trauma. You may deduce that I have some difficult familial issues.

I was the only child of unmarried but cohabiting on not-the-friendliest-of-terms parents; I was a fully single* mother of two (*by which I mean zero contact with their father, zero child support, no boyfriends or other co-parenting type person - regardless of time-frame - from the time I was expecting my youngest until they reached adulthood). This means my immediate family consists of my mother and her partner of the last 11 years, my father and my two adult children. So far, so ordinary.

I have quite a large extended family - eight cousins on my mum's side, (who had 20 kids between them and now have 9 grandkids too) two on my dad's side (and another 4 kids there). However, between geography, my parents' relationships with their siblings and a significant age gap between me and most of my cousins there was no relationship there while I was growing up.
The only reason we connected more recently was when my cousin S died in a motorcycle crash back in 2014. I am immensely grateful that we did reconnect as we lost S's brother A to cancer only 18 months later.

Yesterday I went to a funeral for a great aunt on my dad's side of the family. He is not close to his family although he has three brothers. I changed my name at 15...no one on that side had got the memo although I had only met three people in the room before, four if you count the deceased. I'm nearly forty FFS! I'd met the deceased but none of her three daughters nor anyone else in the extended family. I hadn't seen anyone in the room since I was about 13 (I *thought* I'd seen my uncle P when my daughter was a baby but he insisted he'd never met her so I guess not).
My dad is interested in family history and although he tried to engage in conversation and ask questions none of them seemed at all bothered. I feel bad for him that he's trying and getting nowhere. There were the usual niceties of "why do we only meet at funerals?" and "we must meet up more often"...not a note of sincerity behind the words. For my maternal cousins the reminder of mortality was a trigger to get us to know each other better; on my dad's side I guess it's not happening.

It just makes me wonder... Why do some families do the tight-knit thing the media tells us is normal while others just don't? It's not always a matter of falling out, sometimes it's just a case of utter disinterest. I get it though. Why should you have a connection with people you don't really know, who all you have in common is a similarity of DNA? It just really sucks when you would have liked to have a more meaningful relationship.

Friendzoning

Found this in my drafts from 18 March 2015. Again, no idea why I didn't post it.

This is not exactly a response to anything I have read about the friendzone but my own take on the concept.

First of all, we teach children that to find a relationship they should become friends. Maybe going up to someone you're attracted to and being forthright about it is a possibility for you but the shyer amongst us could never ever do that! Some people rarely experience attraction without solidly getting to know the person first...how would they cope with having to tell a prospective new person "just so as you know I may become attracted to you in the future"?!

So basically befriending someone with the intention or possibility of wanting to take it further is going to happen whether you like it or not. The risk of being hit on by a friend or being rejected by someone you want to be closer to is unavoidable unless you cut all human contact!

How you deal with that is where it gets problematic. The rejected party, let's call them J, is going to be hurt. The rejecter, L perhaps, is perhaps going to feel wrong footed or disturbed by the turn of events. So...

• J may say spiteful things to which I say to L "suck it up" - people say stuff when they're hurt and I bet you do too. At the end of the day it's just words. Yes, words hurt, but so does being rejected. Six of one, half a dozen of the other.
• J may push things too far - this is obviously unacceptable - be it sexual harassment, intimidation or whatever. Although when I see young people in L's position posting about childhood friends please consider whether a lack of emotional maturity on J's part is a mitigating factor.
• J may push things WAY too far - physical assault, sexual assault etc are inexcusable...but again a 10 yr old's attempt to "steal a kiss" is, to my old fashioned way of thinking, is somewhat different to an adult doing the same...or worse.
• J may complain of being "friendzoned"...again, suck it up L. J is hurt - from their point of view they were investing in you as a potential partner. Maybe there were mixed messages, maybe there weren't but either way they had hopes you've crushed. A little understanding goes a long way.
• L complains that people are only interested in them romantically / sexually and bitch about people like J. Well, maybe that's a problem for you but J doesn't owe you friendship any more than you owe them a relationship!

It takes two people to make a friendship / relationship work and if the two are not singing from the same hymn sheet there's going to be a problem. But is it really anyone's FAULT? Two people who want different things is an ongoing theme throughout life. Apply the same idea for a moment to other scenarios, such as parenting:

• J being "friendzoned" has a hissy fit cos they hasn't got their own way. Now how is J going to cope with any other situation that requires giving up what they want? As a parent is J going to have a paddy every time their child's needs have to come first?! they'd probably be okay, actually. But would a parent take it calmly in a divorce and the kid sides with the other parent? Probably not so much.
• Or L, sick to death of people like J wanting stuff from them...how will they deal with the needs of their child??? Especially if left as a single parent...

People will want or expect stuff from you your whole life - be it your friends, partners, children, parents, employers...sometimes expectations are reasonable, sometimes they're not. Both parties can be out of line on how they react. Mostly I say chalk it up to experience and move on. An early experience of rejection, even dealing with it badly, can be an important learning experience so compounding it with extra criticism and blame is surely deeply unhelpful?

Perhaps it's easy for me to say that as I have never been in that position. No one wants to be my friend OR my lover! The most similar situation I have had was with my ex. We were in, what to me was, a committed relationship. He changed his mind, which rationally he had every right to do. In practice though I was definitely J, clinging desperately to my hopes of a future with him. Our wedding was booked, I was expecting our second child - I was not going to meekly let him walk away! And so I behaved badly. Of course I did! Everything was riding on my convincing him to stay - from my own happiness to my children's to our finances to my career prospects... I felt he, my L, owed me...because he'd made promises, we'd committed to having children - perhaps that makes a significant difference, because it wasn't a hope or a presumption but something more solid - and it was horribly unfair to just leave me to pick up the pieces. But I was still acting out of shattered dreams and wounded pride...

I want to add here that 'badly' is subjective: I acted without pride and dignity, I begged and cried, but I did NOT do anything like assault or manipulation or spreading lies about him...tbh it's a good thing social media wasn't available then...

I'm glad my ex walked away completely. I don't think I could have gone on seeing him 'for our children', I couldn't have been his friend. Sometimes that's just how it is, whether you were friends or a couple - if one wants more than they can have it'll never be right.