Friendzoning

Found this in my drafts from 18 March 2015. Again, no idea why I didn't post it.

This is not exactly a response to anything I have read about the friendzone but my own take on the concept.

First of all, we teach children that to find a relationship they should become friends. Maybe going up to someone you're attracted to and being forthright about it is a possibility for you but the shyer amongst us could never ever do that! Some people rarely experience attraction without solidly getting to know the person first...how would they cope with having to tell a prospective new person "just so as you know I may become attracted to you in the future"?!

So basically befriending someone with the intention or possibility of wanting to take it further is going to happen whether you like it or not. The risk of being hit on by a friend or being rejected by someone you want to be closer to is unavoidable unless you cut all human contact!

How you deal with that is where it gets problematic. The rejected party, let's call them J, is going to be hurt. The rejecter, L perhaps, is perhaps going to feel wrong footed or disturbed by the turn of events. So...

• J may say spiteful things to which I say to L "suck it up" - people say stuff when they're hurt and I bet you do too. At the end of the day it's just words. Yes, words hurt, but so does being rejected. Six of one, half a dozen of the other.
• J may push things too far - this is obviously unacceptable - be it sexual harassment, intimidation or whatever. Although when I see young people in L's position posting about childhood friends please consider whether a lack of emotional maturity on J's part is a mitigating factor.
• J may push things WAY too far - physical assault, sexual assault etc are inexcusable...but again a 10 yr old's attempt to "steal a kiss" is, to my old fashioned way of thinking, is somewhat different to an adult doing the same...or worse.
• J may complain of being "friendzoned"...again, suck it up L. J is hurt - from their point of view they were investing in you as a potential partner. Maybe there were mixed messages, maybe there weren't but either way they had hopes you've crushed. A little understanding goes a long way.
• L complains that people are only interested in them romantically / sexually and bitch about people like J. Well, maybe that's a problem for you but J doesn't owe you friendship any more than you owe them a relationship!

It takes two people to make a friendship / relationship work and if the two are not singing from the same hymn sheet there's going to be a problem. But is it really anyone's FAULT? Two people who want different things is an ongoing theme throughout life. Apply the same idea for a moment to other scenarios, such as parenting:

• J being "friendzoned" has a hissy fit cos they hasn't got their own way. Now how is J going to cope with any other situation that requires giving up what they want? As a parent is J going to have a paddy every time their child's needs have to come first?! they'd probably be okay, actually. But would a parent take it calmly in a divorce and the kid sides with the other parent? Probably not so much.
• Or L, sick to death of people like J wanting stuff from them...how will they deal with the needs of their child??? Especially if left as a single parent...

People will want or expect stuff from you your whole life - be it your friends, partners, children, parents, employers...sometimes expectations are reasonable, sometimes they're not. Both parties can be out of line on how they react. Mostly I say chalk it up to experience and move on. An early experience of rejection, even dealing with it badly, can be an important learning experience so compounding it with extra criticism and blame is surely deeply unhelpful?

Perhaps it's easy for me to say that as I have never been in that position. No one wants to be my friend OR my lover! The most similar situation I have had was with my ex. We were in, what to me was, a committed relationship. He changed his mind, which rationally he had every right to do. In practice though I was definitely J, clinging desperately to my hopes of a future with him. Our wedding was booked, I was expecting our second child - I was not going to meekly let him walk away! And so I behaved badly. Of course I did! Everything was riding on my convincing him to stay - from my own happiness to my children's to our finances to my career prospects... I felt he, my L, owed me...because he'd made promises, we'd committed to having children - perhaps that makes a significant difference, because it wasn't a hope or a presumption but something more solid - and it was horribly unfair to just leave me to pick up the pieces. But I was still acting out of shattered dreams and wounded pride...

I want to add here that 'badly' is subjective: I acted without pride and dignity, I begged and cried, but I did NOT do anything like assault or manipulation or spreading lies about him...tbh it's a good thing social media wasn't available then...

I'm glad my ex walked away completely. I don't think I could have gone on seeing him 'for our children', I couldn't have been his friend. Sometimes that's just how it is, whether you were friends or a couple - if one wants more than they can have it'll never be right.

Abusive Relationships

I have seen an awful lot about this Suicide Squad movie (not that I could care less) and about the relationship between The Joker and Harley Quinn. Specifically comments of the "stop idealising abusive relationships" variety.

Now, I know next to nothing about The Joker and Harley, although my daughter assures me she's a depraved psychopath rather than some meek victim of domestic abuse. So I'm not going to comment about that directly.

Here is what I want to say:

Stop representing abusive relationships as entirely meek women being controlled by violent men

• Not all domestic abuse victims are women; men are vicims too
• Not all domestic abuse situations are abuser-victim; abusive relationships can be two-way
• Not all domestic abuse victims are desperately seeking a way out; why do you think people stay with their abusers? BECAUSE THEY LOVE THEM (love is not rational)
• Not all domestic abuse victims are meek, weak, pitiful or unintelligent. This can happen to ANYONE, EVERYONE. This stereotype is especially unhelpful as it means 'unlikely looking' domestic abuse victims get little or no support - you're a headteacher, a company CEO, a bodybuilder, a politician, a police chief, a brain surgeon, a rocket schientist, a marathon runner...strong, successful, smart...so how can you be a victim? 

If Harley is an intelligent, powerful woman it doesn't diminish her ability to be a victim but it does bring me on to my next point. If she's an intelligent, powerful woman perhaps she is in that relationship by her own choice? People don't always do what is best for themselves. Plenty of smart, successful types who smoke, drink to excess, get obese, do no exercise, gamble, do drugs etc etc.

Stop disempowering people in abusive relationships by making assumptions about them and what is best for them

• This is not you life; yes, you are probably right but that doesn't matter - you being judgmental makes them less empowered toward change
• Telling someone they're fat doesn't make them go on a diet, why do you think that criticising their relationship will make them leave? How do you think that criticism will make someone stronger? Stop chipping away at their possibly limited self esteem!!!

EMPOWER domestic abuse victims. I befriended someone while they were living in a refuge and one of the hardest things I have ever done was to decide, instantly, how to react to their phone call telling me they'd gone back to their abuser. In a split second I had to make a choice...I chose empowerment. It's your life, your choice, you have the right, you have that power, if you need anything call me. That was over a decade ago and I still wonder... But I stand by my words. I may possibly have been the only voice of empowerment in their life as friends, family and abuser told them that they were useless, worthless, unimportant. No way in hell was I gonna add to those voices of negativity. If I could plant just one seed that might ever help them try to leave again someday...well, that was what I was going to do.

So yeah, that's what's annoying me about all this Suicide Squad hype. (Again emphasising that I know next to nothing of the film, comics or characters) Stop disempowering Harley, quit assuming you know what's best for her. If she wants to leave her abusive relationship support her in that, if she chooses to stay accept that she's her own person and has the right to mess up her life any which way she chooses! 

ALSO IT'S A FUCKING FILM! Ever heard of FICTION?! Get a grip, people.

For Example, Being Mrs Rock-Star

This is something I've been thinking about a fair bit lately, and not because I've completely lost my marbles...I know I don't stand a hope in hell with the rock-star of my dreams but who HASN'T imagined themselves in a relationship with, or married to, a celebrity crush?!

Now, beyond my own musings and barely coherent ramblings with fellow fangirls a few things have inspired this post:-

• Watching The One Show's tribute to Sir Terry Wogan and the odd way in which his family, including his wife of 50 years, were mentioned almost as an afterthought - between being very private about his home life and being considered a national treasure the people who should've been considered first and foremost following his death seemed almost excluded.
• The following line from actress Pam Dawber's Wikipedia page, describing her marriage to fellow actor Mark Harman: "The couple is known to be private about their family life and rarely appear in public together with their children or speak about one another in interviews" 
• Reading an article about the two virtually unknown daughters of Russian President Vladimir Putin.

What makes people keep aspects of their lives so intensely private?  It makes perfect sense to avoid unwarranted press intrusion, to protect young children and to not go airing all your dirty laundry in public like some people do - *cough* Katie Price *cough* - but personally I find it a little disconcerting when people are SO private it's like their 'other half' doesn't even exist.  Getting married particularly is a legal, and often religious, unification of two people's lives so continuing to live and present yourself as a single unit strikes me as decidedly odd; especially when BOTH partners are famous as in the instance above.  If one is a completely private individual it makes a little more sense but when you're both in the public eye...you don't have to say a lot about your partner - or children - but time and time again I come across it on someone's Wikipedia or IMDb page that they NEVER talk about their partner; sometimes the dates of their marriage, or even little details like the spouse's NAME, are unknown.

Perhaps it comes of having been single since... *tumbleweed* ...well, yes, let's not go into specifics.  Anyhoo, after many MANY years alone the thought of being with someone who'd barely acknowledge my existence in a public setting is actually quite upsetting.  Like, dude, are you ASHAMED of me?!  Just to make it quite clear, I have no interest in being with someone for any kind of reflected fame, glossy magazine photoshoots or having my flabby bits papped on the beach, but the thought of being...almost 'edited out' of my husband's life doesn't sit well either.  I can't imagine anyone wanting to proudly show me off on a red carpet (or jump on Oprah's sofa for that matter) but that doesn't mean I wouldn't like to be his +1 on occasion.

As a mother of two I can imagine trying to be discrete about what I said about my daughters in interviews, but I can't imagine never mentioning them at all.  As a parent your children are usually the centre of things; to me that level of 'privacy' sounds more like you're disowning them!  People ask after your family, it's considered polite and I can't imagine refusing to answer a basic question just because it refers to them.  My kids may be adult now but if they ever get a stepdad I hope he'd acknowledge them; my stepdad came into my life when I was 29 and he has fully embraced me and my children as his family.

EDIT 9th September 2024

I just saw a short by YouTuber Uyen Ninh where German Fiancé appears in a No-Face costume as they launch their new podcast and it reminded me of this blog... I have been following Uyen for a while (although due to notification issues I saw this late). Uyen is a Vietnamese YouTuber posting in English about her life in Germany.

I love the fact that whilst - for whatever reason(s) - German Boyfriend (now German Fiancé or German Husband-To-Be) doesn't use his name or show his face online he is clearly supporting of her channel and willing to be involved in content.

And that's what I was thinking with this blog post... Pretending your other half doesn't exist is a world of different (IMHO) than respecting their privacy.

I have ZERO interest in fame but I couldn't deal with being a non-entity or footnote in my partner's life.

I just love the way Uyen and German Boyfriend/Fiancé/Husband-to-be are managing his need for privacy while acknowledging their combined path in life. It really shouldn't have to be all or nothing; healthy middle ground can be found.