Abusive Relationships

I have seen an awful lot about this Suicide Squad movie (not that I could care less) and about the relationship between The Joker and Harley Quinn. Specifically comments of the "stop idealising abusive relationships" variety.

Now, I know next to nothing about The Joker and Harley, although my daughter assures me she's a depraved psychopath rather than some meek victim of domestic abuse. So I'm not going to comment about that directly.

Here is what I want to say:

Stop representing abusive relationships as entirely meek women being controlled by violent men

• Not all domestic abuse victims are women; men are vicims too
• Not all domestic abuse situations are abuser-victim; abusive relationships can be two-way
• Not all domestic abuse victims are desperately seeking a way out; why do you think people stay with their abusers? BECAUSE THEY LOVE THEM (love is not rational)
• Not all domestic abuse victims are meek, weak, pitiful or unintelligent. This can happen to ANYONE, EVERYONE. This stereotype is especially unhelpful as it means 'unlikely looking' domestic abuse victims get little or no support - you're a headteacher, a company CEO, a bodybuilder, a politician, a police chief, a brain surgeon, a rocket schientist, a marathon runner...strong, successful, smart...so how can you be a victim? 

If Harley is an intelligent, powerful woman it doesn't diminish her ability to be a victim but it does bring me on to my next point. If she's an intelligent, powerful woman perhaps she is in that relationship by her own choice? People don't always do what is best for themselves. Plenty of smart, successful types who smoke, drink to excess, get obese, do no exercise, gamble, do drugs etc etc.

Stop disempowering people in abusive relationships by making assumptions about them and what is best for them

• This is not you life; yes, you are probably right but that doesn't matter - you being judgmental makes them less empowered toward change
• Telling someone they're fat doesn't make them go on a diet, why do you think that criticising their relationship will make them leave? How do you think that criticism will make someone stronger? Stop chipping away at their possibly limited self esteem!!!

EMPOWER domestic abuse victims. I befriended someone while they were living in a refuge and one of the hardest things I have ever done was to decide, instantly, how to react to their phone call telling me they'd gone back to their abuser. In a split second I had to make a choice...I chose empowerment. It's your life, your choice, you have the right, you have that power, if you need anything call me. That was over a decade ago and I still wonder... But I stand by my words. I may possibly have been the only voice of empowerment in their life as friends, family and abuser told them that they were useless, worthless, unimportant. No way in hell was I gonna add to those voices of negativity. If I could plant just one seed that might ever help them try to leave again someday...well, that was what I was going to do.

So yeah, that's what's annoying me about all this Suicide Squad hype. (Again emphasising that I know next to nothing of the film, comics or characters) Stop disempowering Harley, quit assuming you know what's best for her. If she wants to leave her abusive relationship support her in that, if she chooses to stay accept that she's her own person and has the right to mess up her life any which way she chooses! 

ALSO IT'S A FUCKING FILM! Ever heard of FICTION?! Get a grip, people.

On Domestic Abuse

Note: If you don't know what I'm on about please Google (or search engine of choice) Fluid Hair Sarah Cameron and you'll soon find out.

Last night I came across a story from Canada that has me well and truly baffled.

To some extent I can see why using an image depicting domestic abuse is inappropriate for advertising a hair salon but I do not understand the total contempt for it, nor the ironically violent attitude of the public toward its creator.

The image depicts a well dressed woman, poised, with immaculate hair and a spectacular black eye, seated on a sofa gazing confidently at the viewer. Behind the sofa stands a man with a diamond necklace in his hands.

The image, given the tag line "look good in all you do", is supposed to represent the strength of women. The woman depicted is emphatically NOT a cowed, battered wife. She is not taking the husband's guilt-gift. She is not looking at him; she has her back to him and seems unafraid. The message is intended to come across as "I am strong, I have more control than HE thinks, HE is behind me...and it'll cost him a damn sight more than a necklace!"

And this is very much how I see it. Why should a battered wife only ever be portrayed as a downtrodden frump living in terror? That may be many women's experience but it not the only experience. Sadly, if this woman went to the police, despite the evidence of the shiner, she might well be disbelieved because she does not fit the "victim" stereotype.

Let's just consider how domestic abuse IS portrayed in the media for a moment...

The victim is almost always a woman, usually young, preferably attractive and innocent of any "provoking" behaviour such as adultery. The perpetrator is almost always a man, usually the husband, often depicted as virtually insane. Rarely are men shown as victims, or women as perpetrators. I don't think I have EVER seen a depiction of a parent being abused by their child or within any relationship other than a couple. Yet these and many other scenarios exist.

Every time domestic abuse is represented on a soap opera there is an outcry. The media is confusingly accused of sensationalising, trivialising and glamourising the issue. People complain because the writers complicate the issue with other issues such as adultery or alcoholism - but it IS a frequently complicated issue! I think people complain because they just don't want to see it... Incidentally, the most accurate soap storyline would be for domestic abuse to be revealed within a long established couple - pointing out that you rarely know it's going on and often has gone unnoticed by friends and family for years!

People are complaining about a domestic abuse image being used to advertise a hair salon. But where do such images belong? There is very little about domestic abuse in the public eye - it takes a controversial soap opera plotline or a real-life murder to get people talking. This sort of image disturbs people, upsets people, provokes debate when used in such a way. If this image was used for a helpline it would hardly be noticed...and therein lies the problem. Not least of all because funding for such helplines and their advertising is hard to come by.

Domestic abuse is too often hidden out of sight and not talked about. Those who claim to have suffered - for example Oksana Grigorieva, Mel Gibson's ex - are often met with disbelief and criticism at making the claim. Victims have few role models. We have celebrities who've battled drink, drugs, impoverished beginnings or child abuse to make something of their lives...but domestic abuse? No one springs to mind.

Attitudes are complex. A man who says, "I am an alcoholic, I need help," is praised for taking the first step. A man who says, "I hit my partner, I need help," is condemned!

We NEED to provoke people into talking, into addressing this issue.