Agender and Angry

So last night (21:30, 29 Nov 2019) I was on the receiving end of what I consider to be a gender identity hate crime - it has been reported to the police as such.

It started when I was out for a walk. I mostly only get out briefly of an evening, between my daughter getting home from work and when she needs to get to bed. Sometimes my dad will sit with my mum so I can get out for a bit during the day but that's not relaxing - that's time for banking or shopping or running errands. I hate being cooped up inside. I hate that I am regaining the weight I worked so hard to lose (in part) from lack of exercise. That little bit of time in the evenings is so important to me.

So I'm out, playing PokemonGO, when this lad on a bike cycles straight at me on the path - and this is a path about 2m wide so the turd was definitely aiming at me. I moved aside - he moved the same way, definitely trying to hit me - no idea how we didn't collide. Anyhow, I spin round as he misses me by a whisker and gave him a piece of my mind. He's cycling on the path where he has no business to be, cycling at night with no lights, acting like I'M the one in the wrong? GAH!

The row escalated and he's being really nasty and one of the things he says is "if you weren't a woman I'd f*ck*ng punch you" and that is the sort of thing that makes me see red cos it is not okay to punch a complete stranger, even if they're yelling at you (especially if they're - A - justified in their yelling at you and - B - in no way shape or form physically threatening you) regardless of how they present, their gender identity or biological sex.

I don't think you get many feminists arguing that particular point because the 'don't hit a girl' rule works in their favour but it really annoys me. It's a form of misogyny to treat females as weak / vulnerable / whatever. Males of the species are not fair game for mindless violence.

Then there's the just don't go there thing of presuming my gender. I am biologically female, I present (vaguely) as female I guess, I'm okay with female pronouns but I don't feel like I have any kind of connection with the average cis female so please don't call me a girl (especially as I'm bleedin' middle aged) and while I might refer to myself as a woman it's mostly a force-of-habit thing. This is why I am egalitarian (the doctrine that all people are equal and deserve equal rights) - I believe women's rights, men's rights, trans rights, non binary rights are the SAME rights.

So I'm like "please don't assume my gender, for your information I am agender". This was possibly a mistake cos the jumped up little twat goes from derogatory comments about my womanhood and presentation (yeah cos I am gonna dress more 'womanly' to appease a complete stranger who is taking offence at my WELLIES...I mean, this lad was completely NUTS) to full on transphobic shit. Cos obviously he doesn't even know what 'agender' is "What you think you're a man? You wanna be a man?" he's screaming at me - and I swear this is the best bit - then this little runt comes out with "it's the 21st century you're a f*ck*ng woman intcha?!" WOW someone totally missed the memo on gender identity and equality. My 77 year old dad doesn't get it but he's still more clued up than this dipshit.

Anyway, the encounter concluded with him punching me several times in the head and giving me a good solid kick in the ribs. I was bloody tempted to hit back but smacking other people's children is frowned upon. Actually surprised the scrawny little asswipe had it in him - definitely had him pegged as the all-mouth-no-trousers type, not least of his (largely incomprehensible) ranting seemed to have something to do with his mummy. I'll add here that he identified himself as being FIFTEEN - 15 and he's on about his mummy and assaulting middle aged pedestrians for being angry he tried to hit them with his bike...what even?!

So I called the police and made a statement. I don't expect anything to come of it but maybe someone caught something on their dashcam...or maybe it'll get linked to the next person he lays into...or maybe he's enough of an asshole to actually upload the video he was taking of me while he was being a d*ck to me.

If feels weird to have been on the receiving end of a hate crime. Fortunately, although I haven't known the term 'agender' all that long in the great scheme of things, I am confident enough in my own identity to own that identity and not back down from it in the face of jumped up little chavboys who obviously aren't mature enough to be out on their own. What this would do to someone who is struggling with their identity, suffering from dysphoria or insecure about themselves doesn't bear thinking about.

INJURIES

• Swollen left ear & bruise* on bone behind
• Very tender lump on left temple under hairline
• Bruised* underside left cheekbone, down face to under lower jaw
• Bruised* lower left-hand ribs

(* all bruises are felt, but still not visible at 24 hrs)

Not that it matters but as the gender identity abuse because he was belittling my presentation as (he assumed) a woman I'll include here a run-down of how I appeared:

HOW I WAS PRESENTING AT THE TIME

• Hair close cropped (went over it at a grade 6 about a week ago), usual piercings (nose, helix, multiple lobes and 10mm tunnels) & jewellery (copper bangles, mala beads, snake ring), no make up as is standard - I generally resemble a potato
• Baggy dark green tunic under unisex FVK hoodie
• Black leggings
• Black wellies with white spots

Not feminine, not masculine, just Heggie. Probably the most 'feminine' thing about me is the fact I have boobs. It honestly appalls me the shit transgender people have to face and having had the tiniest taste of it I am LIVID at how badly educated even young people apparently are cos if this turd is the future we're all fucked.

On Domestic Abuse

Note: If you don't know what I'm on about please Google (or search engine of choice) Fluid Hair Sarah Cameron and you'll soon find out.

Last night I came across a story from Canada that has me well and truly baffled.

To some extent I can see why using an image depicting domestic abuse is inappropriate for advertising a hair salon but I do not understand the total contempt for it, nor the ironically violent attitude of the public toward its creator.

The image depicts a well dressed woman, poised, with immaculate hair and a spectacular black eye, seated on a sofa gazing confidently at the viewer. Behind the sofa stands a man with a diamond necklace in his hands.

The image, given the tag line "look good in all you do", is supposed to represent the strength of women. The woman depicted is emphatically NOT a cowed, battered wife. She is not taking the husband's guilt-gift. She is not looking at him; she has her back to him and seems unafraid. The message is intended to come across as "I am strong, I have more control than HE thinks, HE is behind me...and it'll cost him a damn sight more than a necklace!"

And this is very much how I see it. Why should a battered wife only ever be portrayed as a downtrodden frump living in terror? That may be many women's experience but it not the only experience. Sadly, if this woman went to the police, despite the evidence of the shiner, she might well be disbelieved because she does not fit the "victim" stereotype.

Let's just consider how domestic abuse IS portrayed in the media for a moment...

The victim is almost always a woman, usually young, preferably attractive and innocent of any "provoking" behaviour such as adultery. The perpetrator is almost always a man, usually the husband, often depicted as virtually insane. Rarely are men shown as victims, or women as perpetrators. I don't think I have EVER seen a depiction of a parent being abused by their child or within any relationship other than a couple. Yet these and many other scenarios exist.

Every time domestic abuse is represented on a soap opera there is an outcry. The media is confusingly accused of sensationalising, trivialising and glamourising the issue. People complain because the writers complicate the issue with other issues such as adultery or alcoholism - but it IS a frequently complicated issue! I think people complain because they just don't want to see it... Incidentally, the most accurate soap storyline would be for domestic abuse to be revealed within a long established couple - pointing out that you rarely know it's going on and often has gone unnoticed by friends and family for years!

People are complaining about a domestic abuse image being used to advertise a hair salon. But where do such images belong? There is very little about domestic abuse in the public eye - it takes a controversial soap opera plotline or a real-life murder to get people talking. This sort of image disturbs people, upsets people, provokes debate when used in such a way. If this image was used for a helpline it would hardly be noticed...and therein lies the problem. Not least of all because funding for such helplines and their advertising is hard to come by.

Domestic abuse is too often hidden out of sight and not talked about. Those who claim to have suffered - for example Oksana Grigorieva, Mel Gibson's ex - are often met with disbelief and criticism at making the claim. Victims have few role models. We have celebrities who've battled drink, drugs, impoverished beginnings or child abuse to make something of their lives...but domestic abuse? No one springs to mind.

Attitudes are complex. A man who says, "I am an alcoholic, I need help," is praised for taking the first step. A man who says, "I hit my partner, I need help," is condemned!

We NEED to provoke people into talking, into addressing this issue.