Understanding and Forgiveness

This blog is directly linked to my last: '22 - 40 - 70-something'

I have always been the sort of mum to talk to my kids; to explain things that are going on in an age appropriate way and not to hide stuff from them. One thing that particularly bugs me is parents who, when expecting a new baby, avoid having The Talk with their kids when it's the perfect opportunity to do so. My daughter Erin was 4 when her great granddad died and like everything else I explained to her why everyone was sad but that he had been very ill for a long time. Just as at age 2 I explained how she was going to become a big sister and at 5 and a half I explained 9/11 to her as best I could.

I did not have a happy childhood. One of the worst parts was being at a certain primary school, between the ages of 6.5 and 9.5, where I had a rough time being bullied by my teacher. I felt that by age 9 my parents, my mother especially, had lost all interest in me. In trying to explain what was happening at school I was told to "fight your own battles" which a kid of that age clearly can't do and I felt utterly abandoned. In year 5 I finally got out of that school but the damage was done; beyond criticising my grades and perceived lack of effort at school they didn't seem to care anymore, then, when my behaviour deteriorated in consequence, that was just another thing to have a go at me for.

Despite now being 40 I have had a realisation about all this just in these last couple of weeks - and more than ever I advocate HONESTY and talking to even very young children.

When I was 6 years old my parents moved house (to a fixer-upper, they would spend YEARS putting it right) and I was enrolled at that school where I had such a hard time. Also when I was 6 my granddad had a severe and debilitating stroke; he died when I was 22. Although I associate my difficulties with a few years later I now see the connection.

Sadly I only came to this realisation now my own situation mirrors it somewhat. I moved into this house (with a fair few teething troubles) nearly 9 months ago, I have been struggling with stress in my 'new' job...and now my mum has had severe and debilitating strokes. On the plus side my children are now 19 & 22 and far better equipped to understand and deal with my being extremely worried and distracted.

Now I realise what a tough time my parents were going through, my mother especially. Obviously I knew my granddad was ill and in hospital, later that he was home and disabled but, as I saw it, he was old and that happens. I don't think I especially lacked empathy for my mother but I certainly didn't understand just how stressful it was for her - because she didn't tell me - maybe it sounds ridiculous but even as a full-grown adult with full-grown adult children of my own I could not have imagined just 3 weeks ago how traumatic this would be. I knew my mum was worried when her dad was in hospital and later I knew she had a rough time caring for her parents so that they could stay in their own home, but only now do I get an inkling of what that entailed.

I wish my parents had talked to me more, back then especially but at all other times as well; I wish that I had had a better chance to understand. Maybe I'd still have been a needy little shit but I could have tried to add less to their burdens.

As the only child of a stay-at-home mum I expected more attention - I literally got picked on because other kids were jealous I had that, but it sucked being so alone all the time. Kids NEED parenting support, I can't judge myself too harshly for wanting something I needed so badly.

I do feel bad that I've been a teenager, an adult, a mum since then and I still didn't get it but it's the domino effect. Because of how I grew up feeling neglected I've seen the world in a certain light, and at no point over the years have we talked about what happened with my granddad and how it affected our family. I wish I had come to understand this without my mother having to go through all this - sadly it may be true that you can't understand until you have walked in someone else's shoes... Maybe it would have been different if I had ever related my childhood experience with my granddad's stroke.

Over the last 2 weeks I have had an awakening - I understand so much more what was going on in my childhood and how that has affected my relationship with my parents right up to the present day. I even understand better why they reacted so badly to my teenage pregnancies. They were going through so much but I just thought, because of the suffering I was going through, that they hated me. Finally, I feel like I can forgive.

Friendzoning

Found this in my drafts from 18 March 2015. Again, no idea why I didn't post it.

This is not exactly a response to anything I have read about the friendzone but my own take on the concept.

First of all, we teach children that to find a relationship they should become friends. Maybe going up to someone you're attracted to and being forthright about it is a possibility for you but the shyer amongst us could never ever do that! Some people rarely experience attraction without solidly getting to know the person first...how would they cope with having to tell a prospective new person "just so as you know I may become attracted to you in the future"?!

So basically befriending someone with the intention or possibility of wanting to take it further is going to happen whether you like it or not. The risk of being hit on by a friend or being rejected by someone you want to be closer to is unavoidable unless you cut all human contact!

How you deal with that is where it gets problematic. The rejected party, let's call them J, is going to be hurt. The rejecter, L perhaps, is perhaps going to feel wrong footed or disturbed by the turn of events. So...

• J may say spiteful things to which I say to L "suck it up" - people say stuff when they're hurt and I bet you do too. At the end of the day it's just words. Yes, words hurt, but so does being rejected. Six of one, half a dozen of the other.
• J may push things too far - this is obviously unacceptable - be it sexual harassment, intimidation or whatever. Although when I see young people in L's position posting about childhood friends please consider whether a lack of emotional maturity on J's part is a mitigating factor.
• J may push things WAY too far - physical assault, sexual assault etc are inexcusable...but again a 10 yr old's attempt to "steal a kiss" is, to my old fashioned way of thinking, is somewhat different to an adult doing the same...or worse.
• J may complain of being "friendzoned"...again, suck it up L. J is hurt - from their point of view they were investing in you as a potential partner. Maybe there were mixed messages, maybe there weren't but either way they had hopes you've crushed. A little understanding goes a long way.
• L complains that people are only interested in them romantically / sexually and bitch about people like J. Well, maybe that's a problem for you but J doesn't owe you friendship any more than you owe them a relationship!

It takes two people to make a friendship / relationship work and if the two are not singing from the same hymn sheet there's going to be a problem. But is it really anyone's FAULT? Two people who want different things is an ongoing theme throughout life. Apply the same idea for a moment to other scenarios, such as parenting:

• J being "friendzoned" has a hissy fit cos they hasn't got their own way. Now how is J going to cope with any other situation that requires giving up what they want? As a parent is J going to have a paddy every time their child's needs have to come first?! they'd probably be okay, actually. But would a parent take it calmly in a divorce and the kid sides with the other parent? Probably not so much.
• Or L, sick to death of people like J wanting stuff from them...how will they deal with the needs of their child??? Especially if left as a single parent...

People will want or expect stuff from you your whole life - be it your friends, partners, children, parents, employers...sometimes expectations are reasonable, sometimes they're not. Both parties can be out of line on how they react. Mostly I say chalk it up to experience and move on. An early experience of rejection, even dealing with it badly, can be an important learning experience so compounding it with extra criticism and blame is surely deeply unhelpful?

Perhaps it's easy for me to say that as I have never been in that position. No one wants to be my friend OR my lover! The most similar situation I have had was with my ex. We were in, what to me was, a committed relationship. He changed his mind, which rationally he had every right to do. In practice though I was definitely J, clinging desperately to my hopes of a future with him. Our wedding was booked, I was expecting our second child - I was not going to meekly let him walk away! And so I behaved badly. Of course I did! Everything was riding on my convincing him to stay - from my own happiness to my children's to our finances to my career prospects... I felt he, my L, owed me...because he'd made promises, we'd committed to having children - perhaps that makes a significant difference, because it wasn't a hope or a presumption but something more solid - and it was horribly unfair to just leave me to pick up the pieces. But I was still acting out of shattered dreams and wounded pride...

I want to add here that 'badly' is subjective: I acted without pride and dignity, I begged and cried, but I did NOT do anything like assault or manipulation or spreading lies about him...tbh it's a good thing social media wasn't available then...

I'm glad my ex walked away completely. I don't think I could have gone on seeing him 'for our children', I couldn't have been his friend. Sometimes that's just how it is, whether you were friends or a couple - if one wants more than they can have it'll never be right.