22 - 40 - 70-something

When my mum turned 40 I was 6. Her dad was 75...and that's when he had a severe and debilitating stroke. He lived another 16 years, dying in 2000 when I was 22.

I have a 22 year old daughter. I turned 40 a month ago. I feel like I have aged 40 years in the last week: my 73-and-a-half year old mum just had a stroke.

On Sunday my mum came over for a roast dinner. We talked for hours. I keep thinking of odd things that came up - like her spotting my old baby blanket (which was also my daughters' when they came along) in my cat's wicker carrying basket, or her interest in modern washable sanitary pads

Just over 24 hours and a migraine later I was just about to step into the shower when I heard the phone ring. My 22 year old daughter, Erin, answered and a moment later said, perfectly calmly, "Mum, emergency". In fact, it was so calm that's what got my attention. It still seems weird that it all began so low-key.

My stepdad had been trying to get hold of my mum - she spends most of her time with him but still has a flat here; she values her freedom and independence - she finally answered and he couldn't understand her. He rang me and raised the alarm. Erin and I don't drive but my dad lives next door...minutes later we were tearing across town, split between fearing the worst, and imagining how pissed my mum would be for us pestering her!

I've hardly known which way was up since then. This week has been all about difficult phone calls and decisions and whole lot of adulting...I just want to do colouring in my blanket fort!

My mum is stable and has finally been moved onto a specialist stroke unit but I don't feel like the stress will let up any time soon.

I am so grateful I had my kids young. I couldn't imagine going through this with a 6 year old to look after. Think about that if you're ever inclined to judge teen parents!

I'm glad I had such a good mid-life crisis.


Update:
I described that first week as the longest seventeen months of my life. When we got past the seventeen month mark we agreed that for a randomly selected time period it was pretty spot-on. 
Mum's stroke was described as 'severe' and she had multiple points of damage in both hemispheres.

But what about the piggies and the cowsies and the absolute units???

I know I really need to lay off the vegan-themed blogs BUT I saw this comment on a post via Facebook about Richard Branson supporting alternatives to meat and I just HAD to respond-slash-rant. Here it is:

"But my worry is what will happen to all the animals. 

I am vegetarian and love animals but if no-one makes a profit from farm animals, 

will anyone look after them or will they be left to roam wild. 

It's such a dilemma but animals do need to be protected"

And this response from another complete idiot:

"Exactly my concern. If there is no profit in raising cattle, pigs, etc., who will raise them? What will become of them? 

If everyone becomes vegan, then chickens, goats and more will also become too expensive to feed and provide veterinary care. It's not that simple."

WHAT??? Honestly, the stupidity here is mind-boggling, especially from someone who already identifies as vegetarian, but sadly it's an argument I have heard time and again.

Who is 'looking after' the animals now? Animals are BRED to be used and abused and slaughtered for our 'needs'. Is that 'looking after' them? We feed them so they can grow. We give them medical aid so their flesh is safe to eat. We address only our needs not theirs.

Farm animals exist not because they were provided for our use because God or nature created them that way but because of animal husbandry. The selective breeding of animals which originally existed in the wild changed them beyond all recognition. They would most likely not survive in the wild although I think rehabilitation would be possible. As and when meat production ends they will simply not be bred anymore. Just as since motor vehicles came in people breed far less cart-horses! It is AMAZINGLY simple.

The meat industry will, sadly, not screech to a halt overnight leaving millions of farmed animals to starve. IF it ever ends completely it will fizzle out slowly, become a niche market and only THEN will the industry die out, with comparatively few animals left within it. And what would most likely happen is that show animals, petting zoos and regular zoos would prevent certain breeds and species from going extinct. Hopefully existing agricultural laws would protect any farmers' unwanted livestock from being left to starve or whatever these idiots imagine will happen...

Seriously, how do people not understand this?!

An Open Letter To My Ex

Today marks the 24th anniversary of the day we met, next month will be the 20th anniversary of our breaking up. If that's not a clue as to how pathetic this blog entry is gonna be I don't know what would be. Feel free to leave now and save me the embarrassment...but ye gods I needed to get this off my chest. It's been a long time since we were together and we weren't exactly together for those four years either - not just the standard drama of breaking / making up either. I wish that the fact I'm still thinking of you, and our anniversaries, meant ours was a wonderful relationship, but it wasn't.

Believe it or not, this would be a lot easier if you had been the love of my life but you weren't. The love of my life, so far as I can tell, is a person I met five years ago tomorrow...but will never be with. Even knowing it's not gonna happen the lowest moment of the past five years has been better than the highest point of my time with you. And if those two extremes weren't enough, the next bit is extra difficult to say - that's all there's been for me.

One shitty relationship (dat wit u) in my teens and the unrequited love of my midlife crisis. Nothing more. It's not something I'm proud of because it hasn't been by choice. Twenty years single.

I swing between wanting you to know that and hoping you never do. Today I'm in a wanting you to know that mood. You didn't have to pretend to love me...not that you made much of a pretence about it really but that's what you did. You didn't have to lie and plan a future with me; you chose to do that. What did I do to deserve that, and why should I pretend that you didn't cause me immense pain? Why shouldn't you know that your actions had consequences that I still live with?  Do you even remember that we were still planning our wedding to the day you walked out?! YOU were the one that insisted on a wedding, why would you even do that??? 

Obviously I was an idiot for imagining that was ever going to happen but all I had ever wanted was to be loved, that's why I believed all your BS; because I desperately wanted to believe no matter how much evidence was stacked against it. Even after you left I spent YEARS believing it was my fault, that it was something I had done. I tore myself apart over it and I know damn well I was hard to live with, I know I wasn't perfect but I also know I did everything I could to keep my family together. I would have done ANYTHING; I gave EVERYTHING I had. It wasn't even close to being enough. Because I would rather take the blame than face the truth: you never wanted me. I figured it out eventually but it didn't help any. I had spent such a long time thinking "well XXXXXX loved me so eventually someone else will" - that thought had given me strength and now I don't even have that. Just like for years I thought it was because I was fat...so I lost a load of weight and discovered that no, it's just me, no one's interested and I'm gonna die alone. Maybe one day I'll make my peace with that.

I swing between being pathetically grateful I even had your pale imitation of love and being angry at you for giving me false hope. Today angry wins. You didn't owe me anything but you also didn't have to do this to me and I will never understand why you did. I assume you never considered what it would do to me, or what would become of me after you were through. Maybe you just never realised how much pain I was capable of feeling.

Over all the years I don't suppose you've ever given me a second thought. I've thought of you though... Sometimes I hope karma's being a bitch to you, even if I was the only one you ever hurt this way. Sometimes I hope you're a better person today than you were back then. Sometimes I hope you're happy, cos what's the point of us both being miserable? Mostly I hope you never treated anyone else like this; if you did, I hope that they found someone else...I wouldn't wish my life on anyone. Even you.

I've wondered what you would have thought if you'd ever seen how things were with us. Whether you'd have been shocked at how broken I was, or at the fact that I'm still alone. Maybe, in your mind, this is what I deserved... Did you ever consider what it would do to our kids to grow up without a father, or did you imagine another man would step up and take that role? I don't suppose you ever thought about any of us. Sometimes I wish you could know what we've done and achieved without you, that you knew what you missed out on, that we're better for not having had you be a part of it but I do realise you wouldn't care. You chose not to be a part of our lives, you chose not to even stay intermittently in touch. You got exactly what you wanted: you got out.

I'm glad you walked out and stayed gone, for all the hardships it brought on me and our kids. The only way you could have possibly hurt me more was for me to have to see you being the husband and father in another family the way you couldn't be for us. Whatever the last twenty years have been like for you I am sure I didn't need to see it. 

Obviously I'm still an idiot for thinking about such things. You weren't capable of caring when I knew you. And if you changed, as I hope you have, then the man who hurt me is long gone. It's all pointless.

But as a bit of a footnote: don't get to thinking I miss you. I don't even miss what we had cos frankly it was actually pretty awful. I've known all along I had a lucky escape. The only reason I even think of you is that there was no one else. If there had been, the memory of you would have long since been relegated to the dustiest corner of my mind along with all the other things best forgotten - like school bullies and that bad pizza in Malta. I deserved better than you but you were all I got...and that pisses me off.

I want this post to serve as a warning. I don't care about the whys and wherefores of what caused your destructive relationship(s) to be that way. Just remember that while the shit you do can come back on you it definitely stays with whoever you did it to in the first place. I will go through the rest of my life wishing I knew why my life had to turn out this way...why my karma is shit...what sin I committed and how could I ever atone for it...all because he said he loved me. I'd have been better off never having had a relationship at all.