Rant-19

The advert ends on the note: "look them in the eyes and tell them you're doing all you can to stop the spread of Covid-19"

WHY??? The vast majority of people who contract Covid-19 do not get seriously ill. Indeed, at least a third never develop any symptoms at all. Yet all are obliged - by law and by force and by threat and by fine - to suffer for a proportionally small minority. And now they add emotional blackmail.

Let's have them, those who are seriously ill, those who have lost loved ones, LOOK THE REST OF THE POPULATION IN THE EYES and say I don't give a fuck for your life, your death, your mental health, your education, your future. Because that's what it boils down to. Sure, if you get covid or lose someone to it that SUCKS but so does cancer or stroke or heart disease or cot death or suicide or any disease under the sun.

Babies are suffering abnormal development and non-existent socialisation. This is the largest involuntary social experiment of all time and may well have lifelong negative consequences. https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/coronavirus-babies-toddlers-education-development-school-playgrounds-b1042852.html

Children are losing out on their educations. Disruption in the early years we have known for decades is immensely harmful but we also have kids getting 'results' for exams not sat! IF my daughter graduates this summer it will be from having HALF her time at university stripped away. £9000 per year student debt for NO support, NO services, NO library, NO facilities and precious little by way of education. https://www.express.co.uk/news/uk/1390586/coronavirus-news-university-students-fees-online-learning Will her degree even be respected by employers who'll know she didn't attend lectures?!

We are facing a mental health crisis of unparalleled proportions. From the obvious stresses of those on the 'frontlines' https://www.theguardian.com/education/2021/jan/31/covid-stress-driving-hundreds-of-childcare-workers-to-quit-profession to the parents who're trying to work full-time from home while trying to teach their kids full time; or people like me who are caring for a loved one with no support and no respite. We're told to 'Protect the NHS' but the NHS has an appalling track record for mental health support. I told my GP I was suicidal; he replied "I don't care", it was SIX YEARS between my kid's suicide and the eventual referral to CAHMS. There'll be multi-generational depression, PTSD, social anxiety, eating disorders and substance abuse. TBH my family already had all of this BEFORE so you can only imagine what a mess we'll be afterwards. Then there's postnatal depression https://www.itv.com/news/2020-12-18/how-covid-restrictions-are-fuelling-a-postnatal-depression-crisis putting mother & baby's lives at risk. This is not a society but a sham; we are not supporting each other, we're cowering in fear and leaving the most vulnerable exposed.

Businesses are going belly-up at an alarming rate https://www.telegraph.co.uk/business/0/job-losses-uk-coronavirus-covid/ the future is a terrifying prospect of unemployment, crushing national debt, devastating poverty, and empty high-streets. Y'all can argue that you can't put a price on people's lives but POVERTY KILLS.

People are suffering and dying of covid alone which is horrific and inhumane https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/stories-55725812 but what of the (so far) hundreds of thousands of people who're suffering and dying alone of other causes or the (so far) tens of thousands of people whose cancer diagnoses have been delayed or missed entirely https://www.ajmc.com/view/diagnostic-delays-from-covid19-may-increase-cancerrelated-deaths-uk-studies-say.

Death rites are vitally important for the grieving process but we're severely limiting this crucial rite of passage from denying people contact with their loved ones to preventing funeral attendance. When my cousin Allister was dying of brain cancer his parents did a mercy dash to his bedside; his funeral was attended by hundreds. It was still devastating, especially for his parents, burying a second son in a year and a half, but seeing him one last time, seeing the church at standing-room only must've been some small comfort. To think of people like them being denied that is agonising.

"During the national lockdown, no more than 6 people can attend commemorative events such as stone setting ceremonies, the scattering of ashes or a wake." - www.gov.uk

Six people isn't even the immediate family in many instances!

Telling parents they can't even support each other at the side of their premature and critically ill baby is one of the most horrific, inexcusable things I can imagine https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-lancashire-55840222 unless it's not being able to register and grieve a baby's loss https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-sussex-52663205. Or perhaps this https://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/coronavirus-heartbreak-teenagers-funeral-limited-21741773 to lose a child after a life-long illness; having anticipated a celebration of her life as a means for the parents to cope with her loss only to have to settle for near enough nothing. It's beyond cruel.

Look a child in the eyes and tell them their education and future doesn't matter.

Look a stressed out and desperate single mother in the eyes and tell her that her isolation and trauma don't matter. Say it again over the grave of the baby she smothered when it all got too much.

Look a man who's gone bankrupt in the eyes and tell him that losing his business, his home, his relationship and his self-respect to the lockdowns isn't as important as a stranger's health. Look his widow in the eyes after he dies of suicide and say it again.

Look an old woman in the eyes and tell her she can't say goodbye to her husband at the end of her life. Tell her she can't see the children and grandchildren she now hasn't seen in a YEAR. Tell those children that they can't offer their father comfort at her funeral.

If you can do any one of those things you're a truly horrible person. But we're all sitting in our homes, protecting our own miserable little lives and allowing this to happen. History is not going to judge us kindly. The moment I knew we were beyond salvation was when the churches locked their doors. The faithful ministering to the sick and dying during times of plague is inspiring; this is the opposite. We have withdrawn kindness under the false guise of protecting others.

One person's life or death is not more important than another's; the many should not be sacrificed for the few.

Humans are mortal; we're all going to die. Diseases are normal and natural, especially one like this that kills the elderly and the chronically ill - the reason the 1918 flu pandemic was so horrifying was that it killed the young and otherwise healthy. Yet in 2009 when the Swine Flu pandemic killed children and pregnant women NOTHING closed, nothing changed. My kid had it - she wasn't tested or seen by a doctor; her school didn't close or even do a deep clean. She survived, 392 others didn't... but at the time of the first lockdown only 400 or so people had died in the UK. How come nothing was done on the back of nearly 400 YOUNG deaths when the entire country was shut for just over 400 primarily OLD people?! Sure, a lot more have died now but thousands die in every seasonal flu outbreak but we go on as usual. Our population is aged and unhealthy, people have been dying at proportionally slower rates for decades. The population crisis has been under discussion for years - we NEED a pandemic to redress the balance and, for the survival of the species, this isn't even the tip of the iceberg.

In 1900 the world population was approx. 1.6 billion; now it's nearly 7.8 billion and that's with two World Wars (WWI 15-22,000,000 dead; WWII 20-85,000,000 dead), the 1918 pandemic 17-100,000,000 dead), HIV/AIDS (32,700,000 dead), and the advent of birth control! More than quadrupled in 120 years with HUGE losses. Covid's currently at 2,230,000. The death toll, taken alone or in proportion to population, just doesn't warrant the devastation the INTERVENTIONS are wreaking.

I'm not afraid of covid; of dying myself or losing loved ones to it. I'm afraid of surviving this hell and trying to rebuild. People dying is sad but IMHO people who wrap themselves in cotton wool and leave the rest of 'society' to rot aren't worth saving.

Day Sixty...I think?

It has been eight and a half weeks since my mum was taken into hospital following a severe stroke affecting both hemispheres of her brain.

My mum is doing okay and a couple of days ago we had a home assessment to see what my mum's needs will be...that went really well as the house was considered very suitable and they think mum can come home ahead of the ballpark "early July" we were previously told. In fact, it might be at the end of next week!

On the downside we're not getting a lot of support. The home physiotherapy service has already notified us there's likely to be a very long wait and, despite my mum only being able to walk very short distances with a frame and me not driving, she hasn't even been deemed in need of a wheelchair! Bloody ridiculous IMHO.

My cancer scare may yet turn out to be nothing (please keep everything crossed for me!) as my smear test came back normal. No idea what on earth it could be but personally I'm hoping for it to be something menopause related. Yes, I'm 'only' 40 but it's been a very real possibility since surgery when I was 29. The colposcopy is booked for the same day my mum's big meeting to arrange her discharge is scheduled. 

So that's the good(ish) news. On the more difficult side we have the fact I left my job almost a week ago. Unscheduled. I had given notice but a change of computer system and being expected to learn all these new procedures for the sake of a handful more shifts got me stressed out of my gourd until I felt I had no choice but to walk out.

It wasn't bad timing either as the next day my mum had a fall in the hospital and has been really shaken and upset ever since. She is TERRIFIED they'll find a reason she can't come home. It has been a great relief to know I can be there every day to support her.

Then there's the thing where my dad, who is my next door neighbour and my mum's ex partner (by about 14 years at this point), got mortally offended that he "wasn't invited*" to the home assessment mentioned before that he's now not talking to me and hasn't been back to visit my mum. Absolutely pathetic! Unfortunately, the home assessment was nothing to do with him, not to mention that my mum didn't want him there and neither did I...also, he didn't help me prepare for it and actually got in my way quite a lot.

Not that he has to help me as an adult or my mum as his ex the sudden change of heart has made things a good bit more difficult. I kind of hope it's just that the stress of the whole situation has got to him and he'll come around but he has a loooong track record of this sh*t so I won't hold my breath.

*Incidentally, he has never invited me over to his house (assuming we can exclude him asking me to check his emails and the like) and that's INCLUDING the 20 years we lived in Somerset. All the times I visited it was me asking if we could come up.

So yeah, that's where we're at. My mum has times when she wishes she hadn't survived but as someone I know went through that just last week - he mother passed just 2 days after a stroke - I am immensely grateful my mum is still with me and with as much of her abilities and personality intact as she has. We could have lost her in more ways than just by death.

Not gonna lie though, this is by far the most stressful experience of my life...I can only imagine how much worse it must be for my mum.

UPDATE
The colposcopy was fine - no idea what was causing the severe, heavy, prolonged, non-menstrual bleeding but it may have been stress related as it turned out one of my daughters was having the exact same thing!

Day 28

I can't cope.

My mum has been in hospital for four weeks now and it seems to be all about complications and apathy. Without going into too much detail she has a medical condition but is on a rehab ward with no doctor; we got a duty doctor called but he arrived at 3am, my mum was asleep so he didn't bother to see her OR organise any follow-up. She's in a lot of pain and distress; they've done NO follow-up testing to see if the treatments are even working and they give her paracetamol only occasionally. On top of that she's at serious risk of dehydration because she just can't / won't drink enough. I'm looking at having to quit work now so I can look after her while she's still in hospital because it's that bad!

The cat's paw thankfully seems to have healed, the plumbing crisis has been fixed (thank you, dad!) but naturally now *I* am having a health scare too.

The bit that finished me off though was my daughter's uni finances application which I hate on principal and always get super stressed out over but this time ended up with the entire family screaming and me getting the blame for everything. My father started banging on "there's no point having a panic attack" ...well thanks for that astute observation you absolute FUCKTARD! Not like it's a matter of choice and you're not bloody helping. Complete bloody moron.

I just want everything to STOP.

Day Nineteen

My mum is starting to make some baby steps toward progress. We guessed at the outset that this was going to be a long hard journey...I don't especially like being right but I feel it's better to plan for the hard stuff than setting yourself up for disappointment expecting it to be easy. I'd rather fear a difficult recuperation and be right (or pleasantly surprised if it's 'not that bad') than anticipate a speedy recovery and be disheartened.

So...she's starting to spend a bit more time awake and alert; she's doing better enunciating and projecting her voice - more than half the trouble understanding her is how quietly she's been talking, especially difficult in a noisy ward with lots of distractions.

Tonight though we had a little bit of a hiccup. Toward the end of our visit my mum asked if her parents were alright...

As I said in an earlier post my grandad, her dad, was left severely incapacitated from a stroke. He died, aged 91, in 2000 from related causes. Her mum died, aged 95, just a matter of weeks later - also, as it turns out, from a stroke.

My mum cared for them from the outset right to the very end so the fact she'd lost track of those memories came as quite a shock. Not only that, but they died a long time ago - back when my kids were really small so the fact she recognises them as being adults (and me as a middle-aged woman) seems a tad incongruous.

At the same time I'm seeing it as progress - she's thinking more about life outside of her hospital bed, of people and things that are important to her...even if she's getting a bit muddled on the details.

She took the 'news' pretty well. Thankfully it didn't seem like she was going to grieve them over again. However, she is starting to get a tad depressed as the realisation of how ill she's been starts to dawn on her. For two and a half weeks she's been in a weird kind of bubble of existing in a hospital bed and just accepting that's how things are but now she's remembering a life outside of that and feeling frustrated she isn't better yet...there's a lot of hard stuff still to come, I think.

22 - 40 - 70-something

When my mum turned 40 I was 6. Her dad was 75...and that's when he had a severe and debilitating stroke. He lived another 16 years, dying in 2000 when I was 22.

I have a 22 year old daughter. I turned 40 a month ago. I feel like I have aged 40 years in the last week: my 73-and-a-half year old mum just had a stroke.

On Sunday my mum came over for a roast dinner. We talked for hours. I keep thinking of odd things that came up - like her spotting my old baby blanket (which was also my daughters' when they came along) in my cat's wicker carrying basket, or her interest in modern washable sanitary pads

Just over 24 hours and a migraine later I was just about to step into the shower when I heard the phone ring. My 22 year old daughter, Erin, answered and a moment later said, perfectly calmly, "Mum, emergency". In fact, it was so calm that's what got my attention. It still seems weird that it all began so low-key.

My stepdad had been trying to get hold of my mum - she spends most of her time with him but still has a flat here; she values her freedom and independence - she finally answered and he couldn't understand her. He rang me and raised the alarm. Erin and I don't drive but my dad lives next door...minutes later we were tearing across town, split between fearing the worst, and imagining how pissed my mum would be for us pestering her!

I've hardly known which way was up since then. This week has been all about difficult phone calls and decisions and whole lot of adulting...I just want to do colouring in my blanket fort!

My mum is stable and has finally been moved onto a specialist stroke unit but I don't feel like the stress will let up any time soon.

I am so grateful I had my kids young. I couldn't imagine going through this with a 6 year old to look after. Think about that if you're ever inclined to judge teen parents!

I'm glad I had such a good mid-life crisis.


Update:
I described that first week as the longest seventeen months of my life. When we got past the seventeen month mark we agreed that for a randomly selected time period it was pretty spot-on. 
Mum's stroke was described as 'severe' and she had multiple points of damage in both hemispheres.