So Slow

Not to blow my own trumpet but I have a few smarts. My IQ has been certified at a respectable 137 and I'm a graduate. But I'll be the first to admit I've never been quick on the uptake.

Tonight my mum was watching 'The Adventure of the Egyptian Tomb' on TV. I own it on DVD and heaven knows how many times I've seen it since it was made back in 1993...but it was only last year that I finally got what Hastings was on about when he was telling Poirot about Miss Lemon's late cat "the one she called Catherine-the-great because it liked to sleep in the fireplace". Yes, I am very ashamed of myself and embarrassed to admit it. In my defence I'm not exactly super familiar with fireplace grates.

Anyway, this blog is another thing that happened tonight.

I'd gone out for a bit of air, walking down to the closest Pokestop and Pokegym and I was listening to Ashestoangels (hereafter A2A) on my phone.

My cousin Allister died of Primary Brain Lymphoma in April 2016 and there are THREE A2A songs that get me in the feels about that - Ugly Club which made me do the ugly cry at a gig just days after I heard the diagnosis, then two tracks that I got stuck in a loop of playing in the week or so before he died: Bound And Broken, and Ghost In The Machine.

So Ghost In The Machine comes on which particularly makes me think of Allister's partner Michaela. I had huge empathy for her anyway but after the funeral I was lurking to offer the usual stock phrases of sympathy as is only right and proper when my daughter and I overheard her tell another mourner that her father had died of the exact same thing at just one year difference in age.

This reminded me that earlier today I saw Michaela post on Facebook - November 7th was Allister's birthday (at the time of typing it's past midnight).

I also get to thinking about how my mum phoned me to tell me the news.

When I first moved to Taunton in 1997 I got my first ever phone. I started at the neon UFO shaped thing plugged into the wall and realised that some day soon I would take the first of some damn difficult phone calls. As it happened the first was in October 2000, in a different house on a different number and on a different handset. That was when my grandad died. I didn't get a call about my grandma because I had phoned home at an inopportune moment. There must've been calls about more distant relatives, my auntie Kitty for whom my youngest is named, but they were older and expected. it makes a bit of a difference.

The first really difficult phone call wasn't until Oct 2014. My mum didn't sound herself on the phone, I barely recognised her voice. I was just thinking "this reminds me of when my grandad died" when she started crying and I realised...
Me: "OMG, who?"
Mum: "It's Sean"
Me: *LITERALLY DUMBFOUNDED*
Mum: "Your cousin?"
Yeah mum, I know who you meant but...he was 49. He died doing what he loved which was riding his motorbike. My only memory of his wedding back in 1987 was him and his bride sitting on his bike for photos outside the church.

In comparison we knew Allister was going, it was just a matter of waiting for the news. Around the beginning of April we (meaning my mum, my dad and I) stopped phoning each other. We didn't discuss it. We just didn't. Incidentally I tweeted a prediction on April 1st of the 21st. I've blogged about this before and I know it's super vague - the follow on about the odds changing re: the 25th is A2A related - being my next date to see them live. April 21st 2015 was when I saw A2A right after hearing Allister's diagnosis; April 25th 2016 was my next gig date to see them.

As the 21st got closer I started checking Facebook obsessively for any hint from Michaela. By the 21st I was an absolute wreck. At around 7pm I'd been sitting at my PC and had just got up to go to the loo. The phone rang, I misstepped, trod on a plastic tray and broke it. I swore comprehensively at the phone. I was fighting back tears when I picked up the receiver.

So tonight I was thinking about taking that call, the call about Sean, Kitty, my grandad...and I realised that not only am I never getting another call from my mum (as she is a stroke survivor living with me) but that I am now pretty the adult for my branch of the family who other people will call with the bad news (my dad doesn't have a whole lot of family and it's not exactly clear if anyone'd bother contacting him anyways).

For some reason this hit me pretty hard.

Worse still was the realisation that THIS SITUATION HAS ALREADY HAPPENED.

My mother's brother in law, my Uncle Dave, died on October 11th following a long illness from myelodysplastic syndrome (a rare blood cancer). Although, as it's now 2019 I actually received the message via Facebook rather than an actual call. I had to tell my mum, rather than the other way about.

Unusually for me I just went through it without clocking the reversal in roles. 

Tonight it hit me. Not only that it is me that is moving up the pecking-order of adulting around here but the shock that I'd just dealt with it when it came up without really clocking it. 

When Sean and Allister died I wanted death to hit my parents' generation next as might be considered the natural order of things. I'm the youngest of my generation but it's too close for comfort. Dave, on the other hand, was 80. And now we're in that phase, of losing that generation, I feel old. 

I am perfectly aware of my age, my 'kids' are in their 20s so I probably have a better awareness of where I stand than a lot of people in my age bracket. Indeed, another cousin has a kid who is just 5.5 years younger than me...and her kids are a preschooler and a newborn! By the time I'm a grandma, or certainly by the time my future grandkids are old enough to remember, it's unlikely there'll be any of the old-guard left standing. Time marches on and all that but it's the realisation that goes with it.

I didn't have any greatgrandparents alive when I was a kid - I doubt anyone of their generation was still around. My mum's parents had her late, she had me fairly late...I guess somewhere along the line I just assumed that by being a teen mum it'd go some way to redressing the balance. Tonight it struck me that it's really unlikely. My kids probably won't have kids for another decade...and in all honesty I think my generation, already depleted, will be the oldest by then.

Deaths of 2019

Gwendoline J, nee Beckett (94/95)

Last surviving aunt of my father - no biographical details.

Left the UK decades ago.

Serena Cheong (34)

Missed by her parents Solomon & Cecelia, sister Sharon, brother Michael, sister in law Kelly

and the Blockhead Sisterhood worldwide.

Michael Barter (82/83)*

No close kin.

* not only do I not know his date of birth but no one knows when he died. Whatever's on his certificate is a guestimate.

Dave Rowlands (80)

Missed by his widow Margaret; daughters Terrie, Dawn Paula and Shirley;

grandchildren David, Hannah. Luke, Matthew, Geraldine, Sabrina,

Hopey, Isaac, Jacob, Shirley, Elijah;

great-grandchildren Evelyn, Henry, Rafe, Max, Lazarus, Ezra, Delilah and Selena

On Perspective

Today I got a bit of grief for not understanding a joke.
It goes like this:

So the main thing is that I have never heard this myth that people having olfactory hallucinations during strokes smell burned toast.
It really helps if you've heard the story the joke is dependent on. But I still don't find it 'funny' unless you factor in that burned toast in the ocean is just soggy bread. And that's not exactly hilarious either.

Perspective is a huge thing too and strokes aren't especially funny. Illnesses, diseases, medical conditions in general...problematic. It's one thing to watch a disabled person make jokes about their own condition - people are allowed to poke fun at themselves, it's when people poke fun at others it starts to get difficult.

So, having seen this do the I retweeted it with the following: 

I've seen this one do the rounds several times and it's no good

I have to ask... WHY IS IT (allegedly) FUNNY?

Probably just me being *sensitive*

but I don't find anything about strokes funny.

The @thelifeofsharks twitter account retweeted me with the (partial) comment: 

We’re sorry you don’t understand the joke.

We’re not for everyone.

Wow, 'I'm sorry you don't get the joke' is such a non-explanation for why you're 'joking' about a very serious issue. 
Another tweeter replied: 

i found it funny, and ive had strokes before. it's set up well,

and uses the toast thing effectively to make a joke

that even i can laugh at

Look, I'm happy for you. I don't know what kind of strokes you had or why but I see from your bio that you're pretty young - maybe that has enabled you to make a good recovery or maybe you're just in a really good headspace to accept what happened to you because, again, perspective is a pretty important factor.

This, for example, is MY perspective.
When I was 6 years old my grandad had a stroke*. They didn't have MRIs or whatever in those days and there's no good way of defining different severities of stroke anyway. He lived another 16 years pretty much in one room like a prisoner in his own home. He had a poor quality of life; he died in 2000 aged 91 - of complications from the catheter he'd had to use because of the stroke.
His wife died less than 3 months later, also of stroke, but then she was 95.
Their youngest daughter, my mother, worked her ass of all those years to keep them in their own home - doing all their groceries & laundry, doing the middle-of-the-night call outs when he fell. My dad did all their gardening and DIY.
My mum had her stroke* on 16th April 2018 aged 73. She has been affected far worse than her father was - he could stay in his own home with assistance, meals on wheels, carers in twice a day... My mum has to have someone with her 24/7 which is me (with a little help from my daughters & dad - when they're available).
See, this doesn't just wreck the life of the person it happens to. I had to give up my own life, my hopes & dreams to care her. And if that sounds callous I don't much care - I did not have a happy childhood and I never had a great relationship with either of my parents. I hadn't long graduated, my youngest kid was recently off to uni - I was finally gonna get my life back. Unfortunately, for both of us, I'm an only child and my mum's partner wasn't up to the job. So now I'm stuck at home being a domestic drudge on zero income living my worst nightmare. The things I have seen and done in the past year and a half...
*We're fairly sure both had subsequent strokes (I think they were confirmed at autopsy in my grandfather's case; my mother is terrified of all things medical so we've pretty much nursed her through the 'episodes')

So yeah, I'm glad that the stroke-survivor who responded that they found it funny is in a position to do so. But that's far from true for all. For many people the position is utterly devastating. You won't find my mum laughing about her funny incontinence or the fact she chokes when she eats or drinks or the million other shitty things she has to endure every damn day. I'm not laughing either, I cry myself to sleep most nights wondering what I did to deserve this karma.

Brain damage* is horrific however it happens but somehow I think it must be a little easier to accept if there's a terrible accident or something. The thing with a stroke is that there's not an outside cause, your body can just do it to itself. My mum was watching TV for heaven's sake! If she hadn't has a partner to phone and raise the alarm...well, she'd have ended up like Michael.
Michael lived down the road from us. Back in the spring his neighbour called his ex wife (my godmother) because she was concerned...he'd been dead a considerable time. I hope to God he dropped dead of a heart attack or something but he could've had a stroke and just lain there 'til he died of dehydration. Maybe there was a reason no one cared about him in life but it's a horrible way to imagine someone going.
*Only in the past couple of weeks did I become aware that there's also such a thing as a spinal stroke - so you can end up permanently and completely paralysed for no damn reason.

I'm certainly not gonna say I speak for any stroke survivor when I'm not one myself; I'm not even gonna claim to speak for any other person whose life has been affected by stroke. Maybe I am being an over sensitive snowflake but this is my reality.
For some people a stroke is little more than a TIA - a 24 hour scare. Some have more serious experiences that require a longer recovery time. Some people will never fully recover; some don't even get a partial recovery but remain seriously impaired as long as they live. Some will die. And they're all called stroke, regardless of whether you can live a fairly normal life, go back to work etc...or whether you're left catastrophically disabled. Lumping all stroke-survivors (and their loved-ones) into one category like that is just nuts when it's a ridiculously diverse set of circumstances.

• Dead within 28 days of stroke - 28%
• Dead within one year of stroke - 41%
• Dead within five years of stroke - 60%

Source: https://www.saebo.com/stroke-statistics/

• Around 2% of the UK population is a stroke survivor.
• Stroke is the UK's 4th biggest killer (1 person every 13 minutes) and the leading cause of acquired disability.
• 1 in 8 deaths worldwide is caused by stroke.

Source: https://www.stroke.org.uk/sites/default/files/state_of_the_nation_2017_final_1.pdf

I find the statistics pretty hard reading though:
About half get a brain scan WITHIN AN HOUR of arriving in hospital, almost 9 out of 10 patients have a brain scan within 12 hours. At 18 hours in they were still insisting it couldn't possibly be a stroke and finally agreed to do a scan 'just in case'.
In Scotland 8 out of 10 people are admitted to a stroke unit within 24 hours. We're in England, my mum waited a week for a bed to become available.
And then the shit about therapies and rehabilitation - everything stopped dead as soon as she was discharged. No physio, no speech therapy, nothing.

So yeah, forgive me if I don't find it funny.

Celebrating

I just caught a YouTube video that reminded me of a story I heard at work - told to me by a co-worker. One of the joys of retail is dealing with customers' strange expectations, this one struck me as strange at first but this video made me realise it's really not and needs to be acknowledged.

A lady came in looking for a very specific card. It was a major wedding anniversary but it was not to give to a couple, parents or a spouse (all available), it was for herself. She wanted to mark her anniversary when no one else would because she had been widowed some time before. Death did not negate her love, her marriage, her wanting to mark the milestone. We didn't have a card for that. 

And she should mark / celebrate the occasion imho. We all should mark / celebrate whatever milestones and anniversaries that are meaningful to us, positive and negative.

I don't think forgetting a wedding anniversary should be a catastrophic thing. Marriages are every day weddings are a one time deal...I know which I think is more important. Honouring your marriage EVERY DAY is more important than an annual thing the way I see it. If you don't want to mark your birthdays that's cool too (I have that line from the Twilight Saga running through my head about Bella, aged all of 18, not wanting to celebrate her ageing...just wait until you're pushing forty grumbles the old lady). It's all about CHOICE. Celebrate / don't celebrate. Mourn / don't mourn. Commemorate / don't commemorate. Choose how to honour your experiences and how to continue your life.

The YouTube video I mentioned was about an approaching first wedding anniversary after the death of a husband but it makes me think of other videos and comments I have seen - like ridiculing loss parents for marking their 'angelversaries' - the anniversary of the loss of their child. Excuse you, internet trolls, what is it to you if or how people mark that day? Do you honestly think anniversaries like that can or should be ignored or forgotten?! For me it has been 23 years but I still think of Jake every 27th July; which is not to say I don't think of him at other times. Nor do I make an EFFORT to remember, it just happens. If should an anniversary pass and I forget that's okay too but you can't force it. Time doesn't heal exactly, but it does change things.

On a different note: when I was dieting I marked EVERY milestone I could think of. Every half stone, every 5lb increment every 5% off my start weight. Multiplying the milestones makes the goal seem more attainable. Same, I think, with addicts taking it one day at a time. Each day is its own achievement. And my god, it you WANT to buy a 'Well Done' card or a helium balloon or a bunch of flowers to celebrate then just DO IT!!! For your parent, child, sibling, partner...or yourself.

I don't think we celebrate OURSELVES as much as we should. It's seen as prideful or selfish but you know what? A lot of us have low self esteem. A lot of us don't have families who celebrate us or our achievements. So yeah, celebrate yourself, love yourself.

Tattoos and Piercings Tag

I have been watching tattoos and piercing tags on YouTube so this is my version

PIERCINGS
Left side nostril - 1994 (age 16), re-pierced a mm or two up 2015? - pain 1/10
Earlobes - 1996 (age 18 - yes, I got my ears pierced AFTER my nose) - pain 9/10, I swear one clipped a nerve OMG!!!
Both of the above done at Cavalier's in Reading, all piercings & repiercings are self done
Helix, left ear - 2012 - pain 3/10 except when I hit it with a cardboard box a few days later and that was a 201/10!
Earlobes - 2012, 2013 - pain 1/10. I added in 2 more piercings each lobe but then I decided the originals were two low so I put in a 4th hole each side to replace those. My original ear piercings are now stretched to 8mm which I did in 2015, 2016.

This gives me a total of 10 active piercings with one retired in my nostril.

TATTOOS
1) Two monogram symbols above right shoulderblade, black ink - 2011 (age 33) - pain 2/10
These are the initials of my family members and the top one is based on a design my mum came up with that was built into the brickwork of my childhood home
2) "Espantapajaros", left wrist, black & red - 2013 - pain 3/10
Meaning 'scarecrow' in Spanish, this is for the MCR song S/C/A/R/E/C/R/O/W and acts as a reminder that fear is what holds me back. The middle a is an open heart-shaped padlock, the o at the end is taken my the first dot of the FVK fangs. I got the FVK logo inked 11 days BEFORE I first saw the band live.
3) "Te mantendre a salvo esta noche", right wrist, black & green - 2013 - pain 3/10
A quote in Spanish from S/C/A/R/E/C/R/O/W - "I'll keep you safe tonight" - to remind me to support myself. Includes a cross and a key with a ribbon tied to it
4) "Tu eris in solis radios aurorae", left upper arm, emerald green - 2016 - pain 1/10
Latin lyrics from FVK's City Falls To Dust - "You'll be there, in the sun's first rays of the morning" - in the handwriting of the singer-songwriter Laurence Beveridge
5) "Hic sanguis meus eris usque in diem morior", right upper arm, pomegranate red - 2016 - pain 1/10
Latin lyrics from FVK's City Falls To Dust - "You'll be here, in my blood til the day I die" - in the handwriting of the singer-songwriter Laurence Beveridge
6) Lyrics in Ancient Greek, right thigh, periwinkle blue -2016 - 2/10 at front rising to 7/10 at back
From FVK's Fetish For The Finite - "I can't stand another night, knowing you're not mine" - the line Laurence sang to me at my 1st show
7) Aten, left shoulder, black, royal blue and atomic yellow - 2016 - pain 2/10
Aten in black & yellow above the Amharic (in blue) of "my only sunshine" (because my dad sang me that song as a kid). Designed for me by my daughter Erin - she got a tattoo I designed for her the same day
8) Heliskull, right thigh, tahitian teal ink - 2016 - pain 1/10
When I got the Greek I deliberately left a gap on the outer thigh for something else but I didn't know what. Eventually I settled on the simplified FVK heliskull logo only with vampire fangs...the original artist, Shane Sumner, says he's okay with that (I did try to get approval ahead of time honest!
9) "Always Forgive", just above left ankle, purple heart ink - 2016 - pain 3/10
Always Forgive is a song by FVK and the last ever new song I ever heard from them as they split up this year. I decided to use the song name as a twist on the 'traditional' Harry Potter 'Always' tattoo, which this is. Deathly Hallows symbol for the capital A and the writing is taken from a sample of the late, great Alan Rickman's handwriting
10*) Ankh, 2nd toe left foot, silver ink - 2016 - pain 3/10
This has a * because I am planning to number my stick-and-poke tattoos separately from my paid for ones...so yes, this is my first self inflicted one. Am thinking of adding an outline and/or detail. The meaning here is like my Aten, a love for all things Ancient Egyptian.

UPDATE
Shortly after the Ankh I gave myself a stick-and-poke heart just below my right knee. Probably a 1 out of 10.

 6 & 8 - Ancient Greek & Heliskull, thigh

 4&5 - Latin handwriting

3 - Spanish

 11 - Stick-and-Poke, below right knee

7 - Aten & Amharic, left shoulder