Parts of a Heggie - new edition

I was scrolling through old blogs to see if I'd already written about something but, being me, I got distracted and forgot what I was looking for!

Anyway, I stumbled across a post entitled "The Parts of a Heggie" dated 30th May 2013. In it I discuss my identity based on my twitter bio and it seemed like a good idea to do a sequel of sorts. After all, twitter bios change over time and mine had gone through several variants since that blog.

I also found that I wanted to write an update because during the whole shit-storm referenced in my last post "Unequal Equality" some asshat - since blocked - made some comment that my whole twitter profile offended them.

• I like to think that I am very much the same person online as I am in real life. More expressive perhaps, I find it easier to type than to talk to people, but I don't hide behind a 'persona'. I am who I am.
• If you don't like me that's fine - I'd rather that than pretend to be someone else. My twitter profile doesn't exist to make friends and influence people. I don't WANT to be some popular account by sticking to 'safe' topics and going with popular opinions. 
• I'm offended by people who've gone out of their way, for no reason whatsoever, to be offended by my existence while I'm just being myself over here .

I'm going to write this assuming you haven't read my blogs or follow me on twitter, simply because it's easier to just explain stuff as I go.

First things first. WHAT IS MY CURRENT TWITTER PROFILE?

Heggitha ;;

@HeggieTBK

Opinionated potato. Agender. Slytherin [snake emoji]

Mother of adults. Graduated 2017 [graduation cap emoji]

Ordained. Attorney. Carer.

Hedgehogs & coelacanths. Praise the Aten.

Location: Looks like hell, but colder

Joined: October 2009

USERNAMES

Heggitha - Yes, Heggie is my 'real' name, I changed it (aged 15) back in 1993 and never used my birthname for anything official. This nickname was given to me by Drew Woolnough, former bassist of Fearless Vampire Killers (FVK), now of The Broken Kings. 

;; - the typed version of FVK's fangs logo.

@HeggieTBK - formerly @Heggie 42, @Heggie31 & @HeggieFVK - 42 was for 'Life, The Universe and Everything', 31 was the age I was when I restarted my account, FVK for Fearless Vampire Killers and after they disbanded three of the five members became The Broken Kings...ergo, TBK.

So far so straightforward. No ambiguous user names or aliases here; just my own real world identity. As a matter of fact I tend to use 'Heggie' alone as I have a problem with my surname - it's the name of my mother's former husband from long before I was born so I have no connection with it. Using my surname only reminds me that I am a bastard.

PROFILE

My avi is a photo from my graduation - I am the green haired one in robes in the middle, my dark haired younger daughter is on the left and my blondish haired older beastie is on the right of the shot. My header is a montage of ten pics of me with my celebrity crush - Laurence Beveridge (formerly of FVK, now of TBK).

Okay so these pics aren't exactly recent. My graduation was September 2017; the pics with Laurence date from April 2013 to July 2016. Hair colours vary and none of them are natural (which hasn't been seen since 2012). But I am not a no avi pic anonymous tweeter like a bunch of the people who've given me grief. Nor do I have a bitmoji avi (although I did when they were the in thing) or a pic of a celebrity or whatever.

BIO

Opinionated Potato - a big ol' clue there. My twitter is a lot of me ranting about whatever's got my knickers in a twist that particular day. I call myself a potato cos I am ugly.

Agender - I don't much like labels but since I realised this was me I think it's worth a mention. I do not conform to gender stereotypes and I think basing any kind of assumption about a person based on their biology or how they present makes no sense to me...so don't expect me to accept your ideas of gender norms. For the record I am perfectly fine with female pronouns - I didn't even hear the term 'agender' until my late 30s so I am really used to it.

Slytherin - this tells you two things...I love Harry Potter and I think my house fits. Slytherins are much maligned - traits are considered to be pride, cunning, ambition, determination & resourcefulness. I have not been a go-getter in my life, yet I do what I have to do to get things done - whether it's to raise my kids as a fully single parent or to get my degree from the Open University while raising aforementioned kids and working two jobs. Yes, I am selfish as Slytherins are often thought to be. Why? Because I have no one else who is going to consider my needs, let alone put me first. (I am very VERY single. Practically a nun.) I am a strong believer that if you don't take care of yourself you'll be of no use to anyone else.

Mother of Adults - I'm not actually allowed to watch GoT anymore (my daughter decided it was too scary for me - and she is so right, I am a wimp!) but obviously this is paraphrasing Daenerys' 'Mother of Dragons' title. My 'kids' are now 20 & 23. Being involved in a music fandom where a lot of the people are a helluva lot younger than me I like to own my age so as no one suddenly 'finds out' and thinks it weird. I think being older and a parent goes some way to explaining the opinions I express too. A lot of tweeters work on the erroneous assumption that everyone on the platform is under 30.

Graduated 2017 - My BA (Hons) Humanities with Classical Studies from the Open University is probably the only thing I will ever achieve in my life so yes, this is definitely getting a mention.

Ordained - you know that thing when you suddenly start wondering HOW people get ordained on the internet in the middle of the night? Well, yes, that kind of went further than I expected. It's a nod to my spiritual and philosophical outlook. It's also in respect of the really weird shit my life is made up of.

Attorney - again with the weird. Attorney doesn't just mean 'solicitor' or 'lawyer', it simply means 'representative'. I have Enduring Power of Attorney - a legal status to take care of my mother's affairs.

Carer - my mother had a severe stroke on 16th April 2018; I now look after her full time. Not only does this mean I don't have a job anymore but I'm also not able to pursue my other interests - such as art and reading - fully at this time. I am struggling emotionally with the unexpected change in circumstances.

Hedgehogs & coelacanths - I am a hodgeheggie. Prickly outside, squishy underbelly, unhealthy relationship with slugs (I am limaxaphobic) and generally in decline. I have a bunch of hedgehogs in my bedroom; I was going with a woodland theme for my home - owls for my eldest, foxes for my youngest and a theme of poppies and cornflowers for the story 'Sleeping Murder' which made me a real Agatha Christie fan. Coelacanths are my favourite animal - I have been fascinated by their rediscovery since I was 7 - and they have been the subject of several of my paintings.

Praise the Aten - I'm not a sun worshiper in the traditional sense, I have an interest in Egyptology and since my mum took me and my kids on a Nile cruise for my 30th I have had a particular fascination for the sun cult of Akhenaten. My elder daughter and I designed tattoos for each other - the one I got includes an Aten.

So as I said in my previous edition - I am a Heggie of many parts. Is this all I am? No. Is it representative? I hope so. I chose key words and phrases carefully to sum myself up as best as I could with a limited character count. It's a bit of a mishmash but then who isn't?!

And if, after all this, you agree with that random asshat who was offended by my profile...BYE!!!

Anti Labels

Facebook, On This Day 24th May 2015:

I just found myself on Stedman Graham's Wikipedia page and I need to share this...

"Stedman Graham gives inspirational speeches at schools. His driving question is "Who are you?", questioning peoples self-identity. Ironically when asked "Who are you?" at a recent speech in early 2015, he didn't have anything to say."

I don't think there's ANYTHING ironic in that actually. How do you answer the question "who are you?" without using LABELS??? I see people use labels in their Twitter bios...I do it myself - goth, student, mum - but is that who I am? What I am maybe... Who are you...are you a colour, a religion, a nationality, a gender, a sexuality, a set of pronouns? Are you a JOB??? Perhaps the best possible answer is enigmatic silence.

In a similar vein...

Facebook, On This Day 24th May 2017:

[Shared post] 

Imprisoned by their barbaric, primitive beliefs,

they hate their lives & envy our freedom & joy.

Fuck them. Carry on. Have fun.

They lose. 

- Facebook post by Ricky Gervais, 24th May 2017;

regarding the Manchester Arena Attack

[My response]

This makes me all kinds of uncomfortable.

Are you talking about terrorism or Islam here? Is that deliberate ambiguity to 'disguise' Islamophobia? From the comments I see it's how a fair proportion of people are interpreting it. At a time like this be careful how you phrase stuff or you become part of the problem.

Again with the 'them' and 'us' mentality. Who are 'they'? Who are 'we'? 

This guy was British. He was one of us. His freedoms and our freedoms were the same. We need to acknowledge this.

We're all PEOPLE. Divide and conquer is not the solution. Should we not aim for unity and dialogue instead of emphasising difference?

The same topic in two very different posts two years apart.

Labels.

We use them all the time and they're not an inherently bad thing. We use them to understand ourselves and each other. BUT all the labels we use DIVIDE us. They emphasise how we differ from one another. Now, variety is the spice of life and we should not be afraid or ashamed to be different...but 'us and them' is always bad. People who are not as we are should not be feared or hated.

I’m Tibetan, I’m Buddhist and I’m the Dalai Lama,

but if I emphasize these differences it sets me apart

and raises barriers with other people.

What we need to do is to pay more attention to the ways in which we are

the same as other people.

- Tweet by His Holiness The Dalai Lama, 21 May 2018

So, who are YOU Heggie Speller?

• White / British...with about one 16th Irish if anyone cares about such things
• Church of England heritage but Pagan tendencies
• Ordained minister (I looked up online ordination and did the thing. Ooopsie!) 
• University graduate
• Single mother (one at uni, one graduate...PROUD MOMMA!)
• Cat momma (not at uni but still proud)
• Dead-end job, soon to be a carer (which could also be defined as a dead-end job...)
• Fat
• Vegan
• Tattooed
• Agender
• Straight but terminally single
• Artist with a thing about coelacanths
• Loves alt rock and Agatha Christie books

Should any of that matter to anyone? I really don't think so. Most of it doesn't matter a helluva lot to me!

Use labels wisely...and sparingly. Use them to place yourself (and others) in the world not apart from it.

Agender ex-Cinderella and Name Change Schizz...

Apologies if I have already blogged on this but I had a browse of my titles and nothing seemed to suggest I had so here I am.
Also, I have an update so...

AGE THREE
I was a bit of a git as a child. For example, I can't remember ever being unable to read. Somewhere, around age 3 I remember reading something in one of my grandparents' old Readers' Digest magazines about Elton John's 'Candle In The Wind'. This (somehow) led to my mum explaining that Elton John wasn't HIS birth name and Marilyn Monroe wasn't HER birth name. That is when I *discovered* that if you were famous you could choose a new name...so, naturally, I spent the next few years trying to decide how I was gonna become famous. Cos I LOATHED my birth name, even then.

AGE SIX
Boys and girls confused me. Girls, even at that age, were weird and shallow and bitchy. I wanted none of that. Boys were better but I was neither one of them nor able to become any kind of honourary member. This was the start of a lifelong whatever of being antisocial and a bit of an outcast.

AGE SEVEN
The discovery ordinary people could change their names!!! Maybe I don't have to become an author after all...although that would be nice.

AGE TEN
Contemplating the name 'Jennifer'

AGE ELEVEN
My mum sent me (kicking and screaming) to an all-girls school. A cruel and unusual punishment in my opinion. Five years later I'd gone from disliking girls to loathing them outright.

AGE THIRTEEN
Contemplating the names 'Henrietta' and 'Harriet'. Henry or Harry...

AGE FIFTEEN
I discovered the nickname I'd been using for years - 'Heggie' - was actually a *real* name, albeit a surname, and I changed it - by public declaration, on 15th December 1993.

AGE TWENTY
Despite already being 'Heggie' on everything (GCSE certificates, medical records, my kids' birth certificates etc) I had to get a Deed Poll document for my name change so I could get a passport. The name-change laws are pretty daft TBH. Weirdly I've only ever needed it for passports, a cleaning job and a meeting with a solicitor.

MID TWENTIES
I did a spot of investigating and found out that the name Heggie was a branch of the McIntosh clan, originating from the Western Isles (according to my source).

MID THIRTIES
After years of being anything from low-key annoyed to high-key pissed off that I was expected to think, act or FEEL any particular way because of my birth sex I discovered the term 'agender'.
One of my biggest bugbears had been the whole 'sisterhood' thing. No. I am an only child, thanks. I would have loved siblings but my biological sex wouldn't make me closer to a sister than a brother. That would surely be down to personality, life experience, interests etc.
I found the term 'cisgender' particularly offensive because all the time I assumed I was a biological woman identifying as a woman it seemed to be negating a lot of the stuff I'd felt over the years. Turns out the reason being assumed to be cis annoyed me so much was because it simply wasn't me...although I still suspect cis people don't always have it easy. Like you don't have to be gay to have questioned your sexuality.
To me 'agender' means exactly its definition:

It can be seen either as a non-binary gender identity

or as a statement of not having a gender identity.

People who identify as agender may describe themselves

as one or more of the following:

Genderless or lacking gender.

I am not lacking biological sex, I am not androgyne, what I am is not buying into any dumbass stereotypes, or the idea that mentally experienced gender is even a thing (obviously it is for most people but it's like explaining vision to someone blind from birth). I don't feel gender neutral as such...I just don't feel gender AT ALL.
I really hate labels but finding the term agender was liberating to me. Suddenly I understood why I couldn't understand, if you follow my meaning. Gender issues simply made no sense to me because to me it's not a thing. There's biology and how you choose to identify and a bunch of social norms (which are fairly ludicrous TBH) but to FEEL a particular gender? Nope, does not compute.
For the record I am fine with her/ she etc etc, I guess I generally present in a feminine light but I am also not over my mum telling me (as a preteen) that my wanting to wear jeans and Doc Martens meant I was a transvestite. I care not at all what gender my clothing has. I have no interest in chick-lit or chick-flicks. I don't do the makeup thing or nails or hair, particularly for that matter... I have shaved my head more than once. Nothing gets my back up more than someone projecting their gender stereotype bullshit onto me: i.e. No, I will not stop swearing and be more 'ladylike', dad!

AGE THIRTY NINE YEARS, TEN MONTHS AND ONE DAY
After umpteen times discussing my name change issues, often with the disclaimer - "not that it's comparable with your transgender experience" - I suddenly clocked the comparison.
I had chosen for myself a gender neutral name a full two decades (and change) before I identified myself as being agender. Even then it took at least another two years to see that the two things might have been connected.
I don't want this to come across as me trying to muscle in on or try to assume my issues are in any way shape or form comparable with those experienced by trans men and women because I know damn well that it's not but I honestly had never connected the two issues before: rejecting the (girly) name my parents had given me and accepting my gender identity. Asserting my own sense of identity.

Ultimately, be who you want to be. Let your outside reflect your inside if that makes you happy. Not that you have to, of course. Live your life as YOU choose not as anyone chooses for you or tries to dictate how you should live. If the name chosen by people who hadn't even met you yet doesn't fit the person you've become - you can change it. You have the power, no one else.

The Parts Of A Heggie

Just over a week ago someone queried on Twitter:

"Part punk part panda part vampire? Just how many parts are there?"

To which I replied - Not entirely sure tbh. I am a complicated being (^_~)
Well, let's just say I've been thinking about this a bit and I thought I'd better write it out.

Part Punk Part Panda

This is in reference to my name on Twitter (not my @ name - that's @Heggie31; I'm HeggiePanda on Tumblr). I picked the name cos a) Punk - fucked up hair, piercings, tattoos and b) Panda - dark circles around eyes (which have mysteriously faded after 35 years...), cuddly, tendency to sit around eating. So those parts of me fit fairly well.

Part Vampire

The original tweet was about wanting the sun to come out and I said I was part vampire so I wasn't keen. As I am pasty to the point of sparkling in the sun and I've been known to burn even on overcast days this also seems reasonable. My eyes are also very sensitive to light which has caused no end of trouble getting eye injuries seen to at AandE...

Next let's consider my Twitter bio which reads:

FVK ;; ~ OU student ~ single mum of two teenage girl-beasties ~ 

got funky coloured hair ~ I cinderella at a castle

So other parts of me include:

• FVK fan (Lost Heart) - since January 2013
• University student - since April 2012
• Mother - since 1996 (so you know I am also female and of a certain minimum age - I'm 35 as it goes, I started early)
• Single - since I am so not telling you!
• Employee - you should be able to figure out what I do and where

Is there anything else?!  Well, yes actually...

My current Twitter header is a painting of mine so you might say I am an artist - in a purely for my own pleasure kind of way; I am an avid bookworm; I am a devoted farmer...on FarmVille that is (^_~); I am a daughter, a slob, a loner and heaven only knows what else.

Can anyone identify as only one thing?  You can stand in front of the mirror in the morning and say "I am a goth...that is me" but is that all you are?  Of course not!

I wear a bracelet with the phrase life is about creating yourself on it, as a reminder that I am not finished.  As long as I am alive I am capable of change, of reinventing myself, of discovering new parts of who I am - and that what I have been is not who I am or will become, just a part of the journey.  I decide who I am and who I will be.  Perhaps when I am gone there will be a definitive list of the parts of me, but I doubt it.  

Perhaps my kids will have "I was a Heggie...that was me" on my gravestone.