Mum's Thread

Just after my mum's stroke I pinned a tweet and started a thread to help me keep stuff together. It has occurred to me that one day I'll need another such thread for my dad. And that will require unpinning my mum's tweet. And losing that thread is abhorrent to me.

So I have decided to preserve it here. I imagine I'll edit this post accordingly.
LAST EDIT DATE 05/02/2022

It all started with a photo - posted 20th April 2018 (four days after her stroke). The photo is one of the few I have - she has always hated having her photo taken. It's from Spain in 2006.

On June 6th I started the thread:

My mum's stock phrases since her stroke (a thread) [although the thread later mutated into an assortment of funny comments and random nonsense to be saved for posterity]

I shall have to think about that

Who knows (drawn out intonation)

Well, there's a thing

As those were all the same date I'll list the rest with their dates after:

In response to you going ANYWHERE (e.g. work, the loo): Have a lovely time (2 July)

To anything making a noise (e.g. passing helicopter, herself coughing): oh, shut up! (2 July)

Not a stock phrase but tonight at dinner: Is there any salt for this? ...no...for eating...bread...bread in a box...over there...bread in a box! Bread in a box! Erin bought it...BREAD IN A BOX!!! (Turns out she was asking for tissues - my composure was deeply compromised ) (4 July)
I have to know about these things (11 September)

I'm a heap (22 September)

Delight...delight... (8 October)

Things to yell at the TV: Bollocks! I hate him/her He/she's AWFUL Oh go away (25 October)

Overheard (to my dad): It's no good rushing me, I'll bite you! (25 October)

I'm all wrong (3 December)

IT'S NOT 'HAYTCH' IT'S 'AITCH' - AITCH AITCH AITCH - IGNORANT PEASANT!
(1 January 2019)

Someone on TV: I was laying there... Mum: it's 'lying' you bloody moron. You LIE not LAY! Me: maybe they're a monotreme (11 January)

Overheard My dad: I wanted to have a talk to you this morning about- My mum: NO THANK YOUUUU!!! (13 January)

• I'll stay in my room forever • Because I'm old • I'm too old (Sometimes these three come in sequence) (13 January)

I *think* my mum just asked me if I've cooked any of the pokemon I've caught...I am more than a little worried. (11 February)

Me: did @17_Erin get you to brush your toofs earlier? Mum: no...(realises tactical error - she hates being made to brush her teeth) yes - yes - YES!!! Me: *scowls* I'll let you get away with it this time... (12 February)

My mum wants the 'old stuff' ...or the stuff that goes with the old stuff... or she wants to know what happened to it. The context is pudding. Does anyone have the foggiest idea?! Conciliated with banana instant whip.  (17 February)

Things my mum can't stand about #Endeavour He's always got his hands in his pockets It's 'aitch' not 'haytch' you idiot! That bloody moustache!!! (3 March)

Overheard... Mum: How's Heggie Dad: A bit Heggieish Mum: OH DEAR! Me (Heggie): OI! (8 March)

The next one had an image attached - something I saw on Facebook:

This actually very like how messaging my mum used to be. Certain questions were completely ignored, answers arrived without context - she always deleted the email thread so I had no idea which message she was actually replying to. (pt1)
(pt2) Not a lot has changed: Me: Would you like some pudding? Mum: What've you got? Erin: *rattles off a list of the usual suspects* Mum: *pause* Yes. (18 March)

Me: (pauses dvd 10 mins early, suggests a loo break) *time ticks* *theme tune starts* Mum: I think I will go after all Me: *audible eye-roll* (23 March)

My cat Hennessy has precious little to do with us hoomans (sensible lil furgit) but his favourite interaction is to play 'chicken' with my mum's walking frame...I think my mum enjoys this too - "MOVE DOG!!!" she shouts at him ;) (TBC)
(cont) Tonight however, instead of shifting his hairy butt at the last possible moment, he let mum roll her wheel right into him! He just lay there and let her prod him with it!!! We were cracking up! (26 March)

Mostly to my dad, fussing & trying to keep her warm and comfy: LEAVE IT ALONE!!! / LEAVE ME ALONE!!! (It seems mum doesn't want to be either warm or comfy) (28 March)

My mother is pissed off that her coffee is cold because she didn't drink it, doesn't want another and, when asked what's the matter, told me "twenty to three"... (10 April)

My mother doesn't want to watch anything but she also doesn't want to watch nothing. This means endless channel hopping with me getting the blame for not picking something I have no interest in watching...whut??? I AM SO BORED. (20 April)

A year since I started this thread - back when I was still telling close family what had happened to mum. (20 April)

Me: *passes mum her toothbrush* Mum: (Mutters darkly) I don't love you anymore Me: (silent response) Did you ever? (21 April)

Top secret, hush hush - apparently my mum sulking the other day was because she had somehow misinterpreted my going to get a signature witnessed as my running away & leaving her. Blinkin' heck... (6 May)

TV: ...twenty one pounds and sixteen pee... Mum: PENCE! Me: (aside) L - M - N - O - Pence

@17_Erin: *snort* (9 May)

Dad (O): how old are you? Mum (J): 2 years younger than you O: *strained composure* okaaay...how old am I? J: 2 years older than me O: *cracks up* Me: how old am I, then? O: a lot younger than the both of us (24 May)

After watching #BohemianRhapsody for the first time mum said she'd wished it had that duet in it... Me: Oh yes, her with the odd name...why am I getting "Big Gnome"??? Everyone: *blank stares* Me: *racks brains* Me: Oh yes, Monster Rat! Mum: *nearly dies laughing*
[Pt 2] Mum: (still cackling) 'Montserrat Caballé'
Me: That's the one! My mum, stroke survivor with impaired speech, can still pronounce things I can't.(11 July)

*Mum presses call bell, I come running* Me: Do you want to get up? Mum: There was someone at the door Me: Yes, that was- Mum: GET ME UP!!! [and every variant of this ignoring the question followed by being indignant you can imagine] (13 July)

Mum didn't want to go out of her room so I sat in her armchair to stop her staying put... so she SAT ON MY LAP! (21 July)

Re-reading this thread... T'other day Hennessy was playing chicken with her frame again and he lifted each leg out of the way in sequence while staying flopped on the floor. Nearly died laughing! (21 July)

Mum just had to turn a cookery show off cos it was American. What is with the 'Erbs and oh-Rehg-uh-no anyhow? It's HERbs and oh-reh-GAH-no! Also why are chilis in cans? I am so confused. (17 August)

Mum just had her first District Nurse visit (annual diabetes blood test) - infinitely less stress but she still hates everyone and everything and wishes she was dead. This is partly why doctor's appointments are impossible. Difficult ol' bat she is. (21 August)

My dad attended a family funeral today. Overheard this: Mum: did you tell [my cousin] I'm a heap Dad: she knows you're a heap (17 Sept)

My mum is slut-shaming a woman on Say Yes To The Dress who has children but hasn't been married before. Fucking livid. Bad enough if it was just me being a single mother but SHE was an unmarried mother too! Cow! (9 Oct)

Mum: I'm old Me: You're *only* 74, you could be a lot older Mum: (incredulous) Is that ALL???? Me: How old did you think you were? Mum: Nearly 79. Me: Nope, you'll be 75 on Thursday Mum: Oh gawd...are you sure?! Me: *gets out calculator to check* Yep. (11 Oct)

My mum turned 75 on October 17th

Dad: (helping my mum out of bed) I've got cold hands Mum: Don't touch me then *a beat* Mum: (shouts) Why aren't you helping me?!?!?! (25 Oct)

My mum keeps asking me these impossible questions like "do I want to go to bed?" and "what do I want to eat?" how the bleep do I know what you want, I barely know what I want! (28 Oct)

My mum is having a bit of a paddy cos she has an eye appt at the hospital NEXT YEAR and she doesn't want to go. She never wants to go. But she won't tell THEM that. Not my fault she never signed the form for me to make medical decisions for her. (5 Nov)

Me, to my mum who is sitting alone in the dark: Would you like the light on? Mum: Whatever you like Me: It's what YOU like Mum: WHATEVER YOU LIKE! Me: I'm not the one in here, you are etc etc etc (21 Dec)

Me, clipping my mum's toenails: Goodness your feet are scaly - are you a fish? Mum: DRAGON! (27 Jan 2020)

Overheard:- Dad: How was your night? Mum: Alright. Woke up 2 or 3 times Dad: But you didn't get Heg up? Mum: (inaudible) Dad: OH - Me, silently seething: Why don't you get how this works?! (30 Jan)

Me: You have to keep moving, you need to co-operate, if you're not mobile I won't be able to look after you anymore. Mum: You want to get rid of me! Me: That's the exact opposite of what I'm saying here you cantankerous old bat! (6 Feb)

My mum just tearfully asked if I'll look after her when

@17_Erin

is away in Paris next week. Like, really mother? REALLY?! (19 Feb)

Mum: Shall I go on? Me: On and on and Ariston Mum: Do they still advertise? #oldpeoplehumour (2 Mar)

That thing when your elderly mum has you rummaging around the library for a kid's book at a quarter past three in the morning and then gets almost teary when you find it #PlayingBeatieBow (5 Mar)

I loved that book as a kid. She only 'discovered' it a few years back when she bought a hot pig in a charity shop and I told her that's why I knew what it was. She then read it and offered to get me a copy... Even though she'd bought MY copy for me some 20 years earlier. (5 Mar)

Mum: I need to breathe... give me... let me breathe... please... Me: ***PANICS*** She was thirsty. She wanted a drink. (1 May)

There went another year off my life. My life expectancy is now lower than my chronological age. (1 May)

Curious how the meals my mum most consistently turns her nose up at are the ones that most resemble her cooking... Maybe she hated her cooking as much as I did growing up?! (3 May)

My mother just threw a mega hissy fit * 'YOU NEVER CAME IN!' Woman, I have been sitting outside the door all evening * I didn't put her to bed when she told me she wanted her hair done * she's now super over tired * I asked if she was an adult or a toddler and she says 'TODDLER!' (19 Jun)

My mum just chewed me out for my not telling her my dad decided not to do something for her. Well I'm sorry madre, didn't seem important considering you nearly died in the meantime*. Didn't exactly seem high priority. (30 Jun)

* Mum had what we believe to have been another severe stroke on March 29th. I say 'believe' because being a week into the Covid-19 lockdown hospital wasn't an option so there was no formal diagnosis... and indeed nothing on record whatsoever. Unlike the majority of Britain we aren't filled with awe and love and respect for the NHS. When she was in hospital before she was emphatically NOT treated well (allergies not alerted, wrong medications given, put at risk of falls, frequently left without water or an alert button etc etc) and part of why she had at least one visit a day was to keep an eye on her... The pandemic has meant that wasn't an option. And if we can't visit she's not going.

The first few days were so bad we were 1000% convinced she was about to die. I actually sent kits - with incense and spirit money - to her partner & my younger daughter away at uni so that (given funerals & travel were off the menu) we could memorialise her in a different way when the time came. And yes, writing this at the end of October 2020 I am ASTONISHED she's still here.

So I looked after her at home. 'Fortunately' the pandemic made it a little easier to have Erin work from home during the greater part of the crisis. She spent at least two weeks confined to bed, it was 8 or 10 weeks before she was mobile enough to go in her en-suite bathroom! Erin and I had to lift her, bathe her in bed... I cannot praise my 24 yr old enough for knuckling down and doing anything that was necessary.

BEFORE Me: Do you want to watch something? Mum: I don't know what there is Me : *types up full list of our DVD collection* AFTE Erin: Do you want to watch something? Mum: I don't know what there is Me: Kill me already (4 Jul)

So far today my mum has asked for chips and cheese - we have neither - and fruit. Every time she has asked for fruit in recent times she has meant fruit cocktail. Apparently today she wanted a peach. We don't have one of those either. (28 Jul)

And thanks to this stupid mask bollocks I can't get her what she wants either. (28 Jul)

Me: How are you doing, mum? Still feeling a bit 'off'? Mum: The end is nigh Me: Well there's some positive thinking! (9 Sep)

Not part of the thread but it really should have been:

Me: *fast asnoozlebye* Mum: Heg! HEG! Me: *comes running* Whut? Mum: What's that noise? Me: I hear the washing machine and you yelling Mum: *points at bathroom* Bathroom: *FLAMES* (30 Oct 2020)

Was wondering aloud if my mum needed exorcising rather than exercising... Mother shuddered.

@17_Erin

: *reciting the Latin* Mum: SHUT UP! Bwahahahahahahahaha! (10 Nov)

Mum: Bedtime! Me: *puts her to bed* Mum: You're cruel Nice. Thanks mum. (31 Dec)

Last night my mum refused her meds, screaming: BECAUSE I DON'T WANT THE FUCKING THINGS!!! Then she added, sweetly: Dear Then she gave a big, toothy, evil grin. I cracked up!

[A very specific LOTR gif] (22 Jan 2021)

Mum: I'm a heap Me: What are you a heap of? Fish? Mum: Pilocarpine! I cannot believe she got that reference! The Thumb Mark of St Peter by Agatha Christie (1928) (8 Mar)

My mum: "Tuscaloosa Opelika Apalachicola" Me: How the heck do you remember that?! Three words from an ad on TV when we were in Florida for 16 days in April 1989. (11 Mar)

Me to my mother: You're being very un-cooperative

@17_Erin

: Yep, she's being Londis Me: ??? Me: ?!?!?! Me: *penny drops* Me: *melts into hysterics* (20 Mar)

Me: Stop grabbing the radiator* - one day it'll come off and then where will you be? My mum: On the floor Me: And where will the radiator be? Mum: On top of me Me: And what will dad do? Mum: Shout at me Me: And what will I do? Mum: Shout at him for shouting at me

* it's a heated towel rail she insists on using as a grab rail. Have a go at her for pulling on it multiple times a day. (14 Apr)

Tweet from Erin / 17 April 2021: Grandma: *grabs radiator* Me: you're not supposed to do that G: it's not on M: won't be on the wall much longer if you use it as a handrail G: good M: and then what would you grab? G: the floor M: no... (18 Apr)

Last night my mum was telling me how awful I am and how everything is my fault (nice): Me: And why is that, I wonder Mum: I suppose it's the way you were raised Me: So whose fault would that be, HMMM??? Mum: Your dad (7 May)

Me: You seem surprised to see me, are you surprised to see me? Mum: Yes Me: Where would you expect me to be? Mum: January It's a good thing I find this funny cos really, it's not. (14 May)

Mum: I don't know anything Me: That's sad; don't you know me? Mum: No Me: Who am I? Who am I? Mum: I'M JEAN VALJEAN! Me: Correct!

@kathy1452_ (1 Aug)
So my mum was writing birthday cards today. She asked me to check they were legible. One line flummoxed me. She looked at it and admitted she couldn't remember! Anyway... we puzzled over it until the penny dropped, for her. It was "Hope you can read this" LMFAO! (30 Sep)
Then my mum, who can barely see worth a damn, looks across the room and says "what's that?" I, a limaxaphobe, go to investigate and pick a rice grain sized SLUG off the WALL OVER HER BED. What the actual fuck?! (30 Sep)
Actual interaction: Mum: *alarm rings* Me: *jumps up* Mum: *rings alarm a 2nd time while I am on my way from the next room* Me: What can I do for you? Mum: I've been ringing for HOURS* Me: It's only just rung - twice Mum: Then it isn't working* Me: Well it clearly is
* it's worth mentioning that in addition to the battery operated emergency bell she also has an old brass bell to hand precisely for that eventuality... she did not use it
Me: What can I help you with? *crickets* Me: What it your emergency? *deathly silence* Eventually I find out what the problem is and go to help in a prompt fashion Her: HELP!!! Me: I am helping you
Honestly, I know she can't help being an old dingbat but this is actually amazingly in-character for her. She gets so infuriated by people not being psychic. Help should arrive BEFORE it is summoned and results should be instantaneous... yep, that's her.
A whole bunch of my childhood trauma centres around her being ready to leave the house and enraged because I haven't been given any time to get myself ready to go. Not. Bloody. Psychic.*
* okay so I've had a few instances but it doesn't work like that. (7 Oct)
Tonight my mum gave me a spontaneous hug and told me she loves me. Should I be worried?! Such a thing is unheard of. (31 Oct)
Tonight my mum told me she wished I would drop dead and tbh it's the most back-to-normal thing she's said in 3 1/2 years. It's no good pretending we ever had a good relationship. She's just less toxic than my dad. (4 Dec)
Mum called me through because 'people in the shed' Eventually got it decrypted as 'cat is in the porch' (i.e. wants to come in) (5 Feb 2022)

Second thread off the original photo for memories and factoids:

Starting a sub thread of things I have learned since my mother moved in: My grandad knew how to blow up trains I think this was a Dad's Army kind of thing...at least, I hope so! (20 February 2019)

My grandad used to keep bees and would rescue bees from the neighbourhood and bring them home.  (20 February - with stock photo of beehives)

My mum had a dog called Patch Patch bit a neighbour so my grandma had Patch put down. My grandma didn't TELL my mum this but let my mum go to the dogless yard...my mum STILL hasn't forgiven her (20 February) [my grandmother died 25 Dec 2000]

A manège may be home to part of your ménage (20 February)

Mum used to work with an Oliver Cromwell who objected to being called 'Ollie'
(18 March)

My grandad worked in Iceland around WWII time. The British had pulled out and the Americans had come in. The British had left two guys to help with the radar - one to teach the Americans gow to use it and one to fix it when it went wrong (mum thinks her dad was the fixer)
(9 Oct)

They went from British rations to American rations. He was asked how many eggs he wanted for brekkie and thought he'd died and gone to heaven! He entered an ice cream eating competition just cos he hadn't had ice cream for years.
(9 Oct)

I knew there was something about Iceland cos I believe that's where the family rock came from but I thought it was more radios than radar if you know what I mean. My grandad had a thing about radios.
(9 Oct)

FAO @kathy1452_
I always understood my mum's Auntie Kitty (for whom my youngest is named) lost her sight at age 14. Today she came out with the info that she'd regained it briefly shortly after her marriage. Apparently Ted* took her everywhere so she could see everything.
(25 Oct)

*Kinda glad I never met Uncle Ted because I don't think a man could live up to the myth.
(25 Oct)

Edward 'Ted' Hogben died of a heart attack in 1971 at the wheel of his car. He had no time to seek help or even cut the engine. He used his last moment to pull into a car park so as not to take anyone else with him.

Apparently my mum could've confirmed my dad's gas lamp memories years ago because the Liddiards and Felthams lived a few doors apart... not only did he never ask her but no one ever mentioned the families lived close!
(30 Oct)

My dad's mentioned any number of neighbours but I'm sure I'd have noticed if he'd mentioned THEM.
(30 Oct)

My mother's mother (Winifred Keating Nee Weight) had a sister Doris Liddiard whose daughter Elaine (being my mum's cousin) married Graham Feltham. Elaine tried to set my mum up with Peter Feltham (whose first name is Raymond...no one mentioned this until I was in my 20s) but my mum got together with another brother instead - my dad, Owen!
For the record, there's four brothers: Fred who married but had no issue; Graham who married Elaine Liddiard and had two children Carl & Kathryn. (Carl married Dahlia and has two children - Melissa and Aaron; Kathryn, known as Kay married Tony Kirtland and had two children - Dylan and Kaidyn); Owen who never married yet had me; Peter who never married and has no issue.

In recent years my dad has been unable to process that while Carl and Kay are older than me their kids are currently children whereas mine are adults!

On Dec 1st 2019 Kathleen Dennehy (daughter of Brian) shared this thought with me via twitter re: Uncle Dave's death:
Wrapping your whole family and everyone who loves your uncle in white healing light. Our loved ones never really disappear, they move into a higher plane of existence, and are always with us... according to my Buddhism Sunday school.
I'm gonna need that thought when the time comes.

Kathleen's dad Brian died 15th April 2020 of cardiac arrest from sepsis. He was 81.

Apparently my grandmother (born 1905) had a teacher who made fun of her name. "Don't be ridiculous, nobody's called Winnie-FRED"(5 Dec)

It was a perfectly normal name of the era, a SAINT'S name. No idea how old this teacher was but it had been #36 in 1890, #18 1900, #12 1904, #10 1914...it was unlikely she'd never encountered it. Nasty, ignorant teachers are nothing new it seems.(5 Dec)

'Winifred' had also been a US top 200 girl's name since at least 1880 and remained so until 1927 https://nameberry.com/babyname/Winifred (5 Dec)

My mum in her youth was hot stuff!

(19 Feb 2020)

I had never heard of this but she randomly started quoting it on the commode. (link to 'Seven Old Ladies' lyrics) (19 Jun)

I had long had it in mind that my cousin Sean (1965-2014) had been a nurse at one time but after finding out after he died that his degree was in archaeology I started to think I'd imagined it... Mum confirmed he was a psychiatric nurse. (26 Jun)

Mum: I'm a wreck Me: What are you a wreck of? Mum: Hesperus Me: Never heard of it Me: *now reading about "The Wreck of the Hesperus" - a narrative poem by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow* Me: Oops, ordered it. And 'Evangeline'. (21 Apr 2021)

Struggling

Moving to The Nook in August 2017 was an exciting but daunting prospect. I had moved to Somerset in 1997 in a determined effort to get away from my parents - it backfired; they bought a house down there where I lived for 19.5 years. Moving back to Reading was exciting because it offered me so many more opportunities (especially coinciding with my youngest going off to uni and my own graduation) but it also represented a huge step backwards.

I haven't moved back to square one exactly...I am in the house next door. So much closer to my dad than I would ever choose to be. But approaching 40 and still working part time as a cleaner, and with my parents in their 70s, I acknowledged it was the only logical thing to do.

Perhaps in some regards I have caused my own misery - I planned the move for 2.5 years, I bought new and new-to-me things to put in it, I imagined joining the local Egyptology society, finding a half decent job. Even after I realised my eldest would be moving in after uni I thought we're two adults sharing, I can have my life back.

And that is saying a lot. I went from an unhappy childhood to lone teenage parenthood where I stayed until my kids were full grown ready-to-vote adults. It's not a matter of getting my life BACK so much as finally being able to BEGIN.

How it actually worked out wasn't too bad, to begin with. The elder beastie and I found jobs straight off. Neither job was especially fabulous but Erin got a decent wage while I was gaining vitally important experience - I'd already been told I couldn't get my dream job because I had no experience of cash-handling or customer service. Those boxes were finally getting ticked. Six weeks later I graduated; a month after that it was Erin's turn. Autumn 2017 was all mortarboards and gowns ;)

We had a first Christmas at The Nook - the first time I had had a 'full' family Christmas since I was a nipper. There were only six of us but that was double the usual and it felt so important.

In March I had my 40th birthday. I don't mind being 40 but 41 still feels a step too far, which is unfortunate as it is now approaching particularly rapidly. By this point I was particularly stressed with work - my 4 hours a week sales assistant contract having been totally disregarded I was now often working 40+ hours and running the whole shop several days a week. I don't know how much clearer I could have been that I did not feel trained or prepared for such a level of responsibility...I was actively looking for another job.

Then it all changed.

I've already blogged about my mum's stroke but so newbies don't have to trawl through all my opinionated potato wafflings the basics are:

My mum suffered a severe stroke on 16th April 2018 affecting both hemispheres. She was not treated as such because they failed to diagnose her for 24 hours (apparently the NHS can only recognise strokes if they only affect one hemisphere, despite the fact it was bloody obvious to us laypersons and we said so repeatedly) they just offered support and physio through the worst of the aftermath. She was in hospital for 9.5 weeks.

There was never any question that she would come and live with me after. There just weren't any other options. Her flat was inaccessible to her.
Her partner's health was too poor to be her carer - he's been hospitalised several times already this year - and his house would have required adaptations. My stepdad rings every day to check in but I get so frustrated at hearing about him spending time with his mates or going out to play boules (or whatever it is). Does he think I *want* to hear that?! He has his freedom because I have the responsibility; I likely won't be seeing my friends again. TBH if it was down to him my mum would've had to go into a home cos he just couldn't have done the things I do. 
Even if she and my dad had still been together whilst his health is better he's still mid 70s, and again the house would need adapting. Even he talks about the difference all this makes to his life...he literally visits my mum an hour or two a day. From right next door. Yeah, sure, this has made a HUGE difference to your daily routine! 
I have no siblings. 

My house however needed no alterations although arrangements had to be made for Erin as my mum needed her bedroom. Also, I was her named next of kin and there was an Enduring Power of Attorney set up so I could take care of everything.
I gave notice at work although my coworkers struggled to understand - one coworker had a mother who was still independent after multiple strokes and, as is inevitable, people do see things through the lens of their own experiences. Even my aunt (my mother's sister) thought she would bounce back like her husband had. He had three strokes that March and by the time my mum had hers he was pottering at home again. That would have been fair enough but their father had suffered a severe stroke...I thought she would understand what we were facing.
One of the more difficult moments was when my dad acknowledged that my mum's stroke was much worse than her dad's. He lived 16 years with what seemed a very poor quality of life. They didn't know he'd suffered further strokes until after he died. Meanwhile, we're fairly sure my mum has already had subsequent strokes...

But I am not cut out to be a carer. Being stuck at home with my own kids drove me demented. I HATED IT. And I had every expectation of them growing up and leaving...I know damn well that there's only one way this can go...and when it's over I have my dad and my stepdad (who came into our lives when I was 29), both of whom have signed Power of Attorney documents putting me in charge. I feel crushed under the weight of responsibility I just don't want.
The stress is chronic. I want to run away, to be free, to live MY life at long last. I feel like I can't BREATHE.

Basically, I'm in mourning. For the life I never had. For the life I never will have. 
My kids' dad was nothing to write home about but there's a blog here somewhere if you really want to know. He was TOTALLY out of our lives when I was 20, before our youngest was born. Zero contact, zero child support. I've been on my own ever since. Now I have to accept being alone forever - even if I met someone (which I can't as I'm stuck at home) my mum wouldn't allow it.
The degree I worked my arse off for won't lead to anything. My CV is decades behind my chronological age. I'll never buy a house, or learn to drive or even just pay for a holiday. Anything I ever have will be inherited, I can't achieve anything for myself - not even a pension now.
No relationships, no friends, no career; not even a bog-standard job. None of those life landmark achievement things.

The best my life has ever been was my mid-life crisis (age 33-38 in my case). It was the point my kids were old enough to do their own thing while I could enjoy the little disposable income I had going to rock gigs, fucking up my hair and getting tattoos.
Dealing with the fact that was it, all the life of my own I'm gonna get, is something I just can't wrap my head around.
What's more is that in that time I lost a load of weight and actually whipped my fat butt into a halfway decent shape. Now I can't get out I'm getting fat again. And I'm drinking a helluva lot.

I don't want my mum to go but I know it's gonna happen, sooner rather than later most likely. I know that what she's going through is worse than what I'm going through but...

• when she's gone her sufferings will be over; I will still have responsibility for my dad (EPoA to be activated) and stepdad (LPoA pending). There isn't an end when the end comes.
• My mum's mum died of stroke, albeit at 95; as I mentioned above her dad died 16 years after a severe stroke. From the day it happened I've been feeling a nasty fear that this is also my personal future...and not one that can be avoided by any means. So who gives a fuck about the diet and alcohol?

I feel like I'm being selfish but I *am* doing the best I can by my mum. I just want there to be something for ME as well, y'know?!

Ex libro (vel mente) de Heggie

(Apologies if my title is wrong - I dropped out of Latin so I have to use Google translate. It was inspired by my mother's annoyance many years ago at seeing "ex libro" - meaning 'from the book of' - painted somewhat illogically on the wall of a pub...I pointed out that it was probably someone's idea of a joke - or else a mistranslation - because the building was a former library.)

I have been having some fabulous arguments over on Twitter on the subject of the UK's public libraries.
This has lead me to quite a few interesting things which I thought I'd like to share.
I want to say at the outset that I bloody love books. I am desperately trying to get back into reading for pleasure - a habit I broke studying for my degree, and which has been difficult for me given the stress following my mother's stroke. But it has long been my opinion that public libraries in their current form are often antiquated and unfit for purpose. Throwing public money at them will not fix the fundamental issues with them. Sure there are good libraries but that doesn't mean the poor ones ought to be saved, especially at the tax payer's expense.

In 1850 the Public Libraries Act (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Public_Libraries_Act_1850) established the principal of free libraries for the masses. From Wikipedia, pros included:

• Public libraries would provide facilities for self-improvement through books and reading for all classes, not just those who were wealthy enough to afford their own private libraries and collections.
• The greater levels of education attained by providing public libraries would result in lower crime rates.

Cons included:

• Although the boroughs were represented by elected bodies, many people argued that the Act enforced taxation without consent.
• There was opposition to the Act simply on the grounds that founding and maintaining the new libraries would mean an increase in taxation at all, consensual or otherwise.

• Others felt that there were more pressing concerns, and wondered about the necessity for a library when literacy levels were so low.

According to this source (https://www1.umassd.edu/ir/resources/laboreducation/literacy.pdf) male literacy in 1850 was 70% and for females it was 55%. I can't find any data for what percentage of the population could afford books but it's fairly safe to assume it was pretty low. Today we have 99% literacy and books are dirt-cheap.
I have had THAT particular argument numerous times in the past 36 hours... You can get e-books free, the internet provides endless reading opportunities, ebay and Amazon sell books for pennies and charity shops are a great resource for poorer people. The number of people who've told me charity shops don't sell books at 99p is incredible. Obviously I can't speak for the entire country but I know charity shops in several areas that sell books extremely cheaply - my last purchase, in December 2018, from my local Sue Ryder shop (in a fairly affluent small town), got me four paperback novels (padding out my Simon Brett collection) for £2.98...£27.96 to buy new.
Someone accused me of hoarding books - which is true enough - but somehow misses the point that charity shops are stocked with DONATED books. You can share the resource by passing unwanted books on to others - donate them back to charity, local residential homes, hospices, hospitals etc. children's books can go to schools. preschools and daycare centres. Honestly finding the fact that I got criticised for supporting charities rather than supporting my local library (which only makes money out of me if I incur fees) utterly ludicrous!

This 2017 article is very interesting (https://www.theguardian.com/voluntary-sector-network/2017/oct/19/uk-national-public-library-system-community). There are a bunch of knee-jerk reactions you could make from it - like blaming the Tories for closures - but the truth is libraries haven't been adequately funded in decades. That and a financial crisis that required implementing austerity measures across the board. The need for public libraries has declined with increased literacy and the availability of affordable literature. Poorly stocked libraries with inadequate resources are threatened with closure for actual reasons. Many are now completely unstaffed and looking at the shelves you might think it was still the mid 70s; my old local library didn't even have a proper reference section. You often can't request books from other libraries because of either staff shortages or the lack of networking as per the article above.
As for community services, that very much depends on where you are. I took an IT class hosted at my local library in the mid noughties...the computers weren't up to scratch so they had to bring in laptops...they eventually relocated the classes completely, presumably as the facility wasn't fit for the purpose. Did I sign the petition to keep it open? No I did not. There was a bigger one barely a mile away and even that was pretty useless! I think libraries need to branch out into becoming community resource centres in order to survive; I suspect the many threatened with closure are principally the ones that don't have the scope to do so.

People keep arguing that the government had 'loads of money' for things like libraries. Have they really not noticed the 'austerity measures' that have been a running theme through most of the last decade? And such people can blame that on the Tories all they like - financial mismanagement is a problem of successive governments and local authorities, not just one time period or political party. The whole damn country needs an overhaul.
As of writing our national debt is approaching £2.2 TRILLION (http://www.nationaldebtclock.co.uk/) and all our essential services are under threats of cutbacks and closures. Twitter user @ABosseChitty messaged me (regarding the issue that libraries don't make money):

Yup. The era when not everything was judged on whether it made money.

Hospitals are a drain on resources, too.

So are schools.

So is the probation service.

So is the police.

So is the justice system.

Etc.

Hence the Tories' desire to privatise them all.

Wake up.

Hospitals provide an essential, lifesaving service...libraries don't. Schools educate, libraries allow for self education - and as school libraries are often an utter disgrace I'd rather any love for books got focused that direction. The probation service, the police, the justice system all protect public safety...libraries do not. The 1850 idea that education would lower crime rates turned out to be a false hope: education has been compulsory for decades and still crime is a serious problem of our society. All these services are cash-strapped, all provide far more valuable services to our society.

I get that people all have their own biases - nurses will defend the NHS, PCs will demand greater funding for the police, ditto parents and teachers re: schools. And they all have valid points. But libraries? REALLY? Just as in 1850 people argued that there were more pressing concerns so too do I.

People can read online, most can afford cheap charity shop books - what the average person can't do, for example, is build their own swimming pool. Now THAT is a valuable public resource that has been stripped away for many. The area in which I live has closed all the public pools for miles. The one in my town has been demolished without planning for a replacement facility. The nearest must be a good five miles away - at least three in that radius have been permanently closed.

Twitter user @sefkhet messaged me: 

And you can say that parents will provide books for their children if its important to them, but what if it’s not important to them? Kids shouldn’t have their options limited by what their parents are willing to provide.

*SIGH* Parents who don't think providing books is a priority aren't the kind of people to take their kids to a library. Kids can't just take themselves off to libraries and they need parental consent to become members. Will people who don't prioritise books, or who are 'too poor' to afford them, really do so??? I even took my kids' schools to task over the requirement that I was liable for any losses, damages or late fees incurred by my kids when borrowing from the school library - I couldn't afford to pay for their mistakes.

I also received the comments that poorer families might not have computers and internet access...well, their kids are gonna fail at school anyway then. Much homework HAS to be done online or with online research nowadays. The area where my kids grew up limited use of its computers to half hour slots, even when one was available (and they didn't have many) it wouldn't allow time for a kid to do their homework. Perhaps existing library funding could be put to use providing IT resource centres or grants to get low income families online?

I have received comments such as that I am lucky to be able to afford books (I bought cheap books from charity shops during TWO DECADES on welfare) that I am fortunate to have escaped poverty (I am on a zero income as a carer to my mother). My kids grew up 'disadvantaged', we didn't use our local library because it was rubbish, we always had books in the house so it must be possible for poor people to acquire them. Also, having books didn't seem to do my kids an awful lot of good - for all I tried to encourage them they struggled at school - even so they both ended up going to uni but I'm fairly sure it wasn't my buying them Horrible Histories or Harry Potter that got them there...

I am impressed that people seem so passionate about defending our libraries but I am bemused that they also think books are the only source of knowledge and learning. There has been much discussion of print heading for obsolescence in recent years, so many things are becoming paper-free - universities are ditching printed materials in favour of online resources and schools are reducing the teaching of handwriting as typing skills are considered more relevant.

I don't LIKE the fact that books and handwriting are going obsolete but they are. The overheads of maintaining buildings and paying staff keep going up even without providing new books or computers, meanwhile putting a resource online costs peanuts.

Why are we so keen to retain an initiative of the early Victorian era?! Lots of things were great at the time but have failed to move with the times. Then we feel obliged to keep them - misplaced nostalgia? - without full consideration of whether it's really worth the effort.

I'll finish with my absolute favourite response - unfortunately it seems to have been deleted so I shan't @ name the user who sent it but it started something along the lines of "I see from your profile that you are a recent graduate so you must have had access to a great library". Bonus points for actually looking at my profile to get an idea about who I am (I love that thing where people find themselves 'mansplaining' to actual legit experts in their fields) and the logic is actually good but curiously turns out to be completely wrong:-

I got my degree with the Open University - no access to an actual library (the OU are also ditching printed materials). There was an online library resource service - at no time in my 5.5 years of study (Feb 2012 - Jun 2017) could I get the bloody system to work. And at no point during my studies did I step foot in a public library, I used online resources (loads of academic sources there) and my own books. 

On a teenage mother who has seriously f*ck*d up

Never one to shy away from the controversial this opinionated potato is now contemplating the Shamima Begum case...here's a few sources to get started:

• Plea for return: https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-47260916
• Block return: https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/shamima-begum-isis-bride-latest-uk-return-home-secretary-sajid-javid-syria-a8780401.html
• Could face prosecution: https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-47237051
• Has given birth: https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2019/feb/17/shamima-begum-who-fled-uk-to-join-isis-has-given-birth-say-family

Quick summary: Shamima Begum is a 19 year old British national who, 

having been indoctrinated, ran off (age 15) to support IS in Syria 

(as a jihadi bride). At 9 months pregnant with her third child

(her older two having recently died) she made headlines

for wanting to come home...despite still holding IS sympathies.

This has understandably provoked strong negative reactions.

But lets have a proper look at this, shall we?

First of all, does the UK even have the right or power to strip a citizen of that status? 

Begum is believed to be a British-born citizen, which in the past would have prevented the Government from stripping her of her nationality.
Only dual-nationals or those who had become British citizens— known as “naturalisation” — could be hit with “deprivation orders” removing their UK status.

It emerged the legal test to exclude the wife of an ISIS fighter from the UK is whether she is eligible to claim citizenship elsewhere. Her parents are from Bangladesh — raising the bar to re-entry here.

(Source: https://www.thesun.co.uk/news/8431345/jihadi-bride-exclusion-british-citizenship/)

I am decidedly dubious about this. Just because someone could potentially claim citizenship elsewhere doesn't mean that they should be obliged to...or that the other nation is obliged to take them surely? It can't be right to deliberately render someone stateless.
If Shamima's parents are indeed Bangladeshi she might've been entitled to automatic citizenship as a child...but she is not a child now. And are the parents STILL Bangladeshi or did they surrender their citizenship? Can Bangladesh be forced to take her? And does Shamima even have any links to the country?! There's also the point that her husband is a Dutch national; surely THAT claim would supersede her parents origins. 
One of the most disgusting things about deportation and 'repatriation' is the idea that someone can just go live in a country because they (or in this case their parents) were born there like they necessarily know anything about the language or the law or the culture of that place. We've found this 'logic' abhorrent in terms of the Windrush scandal. If anything we belong to the place(s) we were raised, the places we know - this idea of belonging to your ancestral nation smacks of the racist phrase "go back where you came from", whether anyone likes it or not she came from the UK.

Secondly the use of emotive and prejudicial language: a line in The Sun article cited above (about her desire to return to the UK) starts "shameless Shamima Begum whined..." EXCUSE ME? There's not even an effort toward impartiality here. Shameless? Right or wrong should she be obliged to express shame for her beliefs? Obviously I'm not gonna defend IS but "one man's terrorist is another man's freedom fighter" - it all just depends on your viewpoint. 
Condemning people on their actions is one thing but condemning them on their ideologies just increases feelings of disenfranchisement and people feeling marginalised and oppressed leads inevitably to more crime, civil unrest and violence.
Are sympathisers inherently evil? I don't think so. Every conflict in history has sympathisers on both sides. Also, she hasn't even undergone any de-radicalisation as yet. Whining? She's a bereaved young woman who has been through more in the last 4 years than most of us will endure in a lifetime. And we whine when the wifi is slow. A bit of perspective here would go a long way.

Thirdly, her age. She was 15 when she ran away, lots of 15 year olds run away from home. If they turned up again four years later how would we judge parents who did not welcome them home with open arms? Here we talking about a nation refusing to allow her home to her family. IF she is tried for crimes she will have to face charges as a minor - unless they can prove any of her actions since turning 18 was criminal.
The lack of understanding that she is a young woman who, whatever she may have done, was still legally a child when this situation started and she has had little chance to address. Frankly I'm astonished - can people not remember the shit they got up to in their teens? Can they not imagine having a teenage daughter they'd want treated fairly but with sympathy? I'm not one for fuzzy maternal feelings - if my kid got up to no good I'd expect them to face the consequences...but not this mob mentality.

Fourthly, the assumption of criminality. Maybe I'm wrong but I don't recall British citizens being ousted for having sympathies with the IRA in the not-so-distant past. If people are to be persecuted for their politics it at least ought to apply equally to all terrorist organisations.
Shamima left the UK to be a jihadi BRIDE, not (so far as anyone seems to have any evidence of as yet) to take part in any terrorist activities. Perhaps she can be charged as an accessory but that requires due process, courts, a war crimes tribunal perhaps. Stripping her citizenship is at the very least premature if she has not been convicted of anything.

Fifthly the rights of her child and her concerns as a parent.
One of the stupidest claims I saw argued (before her new son was born) was that she wanted to come back to give birth on the NHS. How dumb are people?! At nine months pregnant that was NEVER an option. She could neither have flown nor endured an overland journey.
A woman who has lost two children is going to be quite reasonably terrified for the wellbeing of her child. If she will risk coming home and facing prosecution and / or being stripped of custody of that child in order to ensure it's survival why should that be frowned upon?!
The child is born of a British mother and a Dutch father - he is an EU citizen, not a Syrian. Should he not have a right to life regardless of his parentage? There is enough criticism of EU nations not taking in Syrian refugee children - rejecting a child who has every right to be here is beyond the pale.

Shamima's second child, her son Jarah, died aged 8 months in December 2018 of malnutrition; her elder child, daughter Sarayah, died in January 2019 aged 21 months. Losing a child is generally held to be one of the worst things that can happen to you; losing two so closely together must be beyond words. Losing your existing children when you are pregnant with another must be terrifying. Losing your children when you are little more than a child yourself...well, I would have imagined that people could stretch to a little more empathy.

I shouldn't be astonished at how judgmental people are...humans are, in my humble opinion, bloody awful. Maybe Shamima Begum is an exceptionally awful person but everyone deserves a fair hearing and the chance of redemption. It says a lot about a society that we seem to be collectively willing to condemn her without trial...and to leave her child in danger. Perhaps there would be a security risk allowing her home but we have procedures in place for that. Even if she'd been a mature adult when she went out there she is just as deserving of justice through due process as anyone else; the child should not suffer for his parents mistakes.

UPDATE
Predictably Bangladesh denied she had any right to citizenship and the Netherlands (her husband's nation) blocked her too. This means that the UK had indeed made her illegally stateless - in all honesty, revoking someone's citizenship BEFORE an alternative citizenship has been set up is always going to be wrong.

On March 8th news broke that Shamima's third child - a two week old son named Jarrah after her firstborn - had died.
Given the predominant public opinion of her case I expected comments condemning her, calling it 'karma', maybe even saying her kid was better off dead than with her as a mother...
THREE CHILDREN DEAD is beyond anything most of us can imagine, and in three separate incidents in the space of three months is just too awful contemplate. No mother deserves that; no child deserves to die.
I was fully gearing up to unfollow people for the comments I expected to see, given the opinions expressed earlier in the case.
Actually, public opinion has swung about and the gov't - especially Sajid Javid - Home Secretary (Conservative) who took the decision - are now being heavily criticised for their harsh action. This only annoys me more because this was a predictable outcome. It was a bad call before a child died, and he may have died anyway, but the failure to see Shamima FROM THE OUTSET as a vulnerable young woman who needs help, rehabilitation and justice - for what she has done and what has been done to her - utterly appals me.

A tweet from Anna Soubry - MP for Broxtowe (Liberal Party):

"It was wrong to take away Shamima Begum's British citizenship

in the first place @sajidjavid must now restore it

& she must be able to come home.

Shamima Begum is our responsibility

whatever she may or may not have done

however abhorrent her views"

A tweet from Twitter user @0Calamity:

"I don't care how unpopular this will make me.

Shamima Begum was groomed as a 15 yr old,

and after, effectively, being a sex-slave, has now lost her third child. And our govt.'s response is to persecute her

instead of seeking to rehabilitate her. Hard to find words."

The top listed response to this (from @MickDavies1968) reads:

"It shows the sorry state of this country

that you felt the need to include your first sentence."

And that is absolutely it - where the hell are we if the perceived unpopular opinion is one of compassion and the hope of redemption??? Why did it take the death of her third child to change public opinion?!

Parts of a Heggie - new edition

I was scrolling through old blogs to see if I'd already written about something but, being me, I got distracted and forgot what I was looking for!

Anyway, I stumbled across a post entitled "The Parts of a Heggie" dated 30th May 2013. In it I discuss my identity based on my twitter bio and it seemed like a good idea to do a sequel of sorts. After all, twitter bios change over time and mine had gone through several variants since that blog.

I also found that I wanted to write an update because during the whole shit-storm referenced in my last post "Unequal Equality" some asshat - since blocked - made some comment that my whole twitter profile offended them.

• I like to think that I am very much the same person online as I am in real life. More expressive perhaps, I find it easier to type than to talk to people, but I don't hide behind a 'persona'. I am who I am.
• If you don't like me that's fine - I'd rather that than pretend to be someone else. My twitter profile doesn't exist to make friends and influence people. I don't WANT to be some popular account by sticking to 'safe' topics and going with popular opinions. 
• I'm offended by people who've gone out of their way, for no reason whatsoever, to be offended by my existence while I'm just being myself over here .

I'm going to write this assuming you haven't read my blogs or follow me on twitter, simply because it's easier to just explain stuff as I go.

First things first. WHAT IS MY CURRENT TWITTER PROFILE?

Heggitha ;;

@HeggieTBK

Opinionated potato. Agender. Slytherin [snake emoji]

Mother of adults. Graduated 2017 [graduation cap emoji]

Ordained. Attorney. Carer.

Hedgehogs & coelacanths. Praise the Aten.

Location: Looks like hell, but colder

Joined: October 2009

USERNAMES

Heggitha - Yes, Heggie is my 'real' name, I changed it (aged 15) back in 1993 and never used my birthname for anything official. This nickname was given to me by Drew Woolnough, former bassist of Fearless Vampire Killers (FVK), now of The Broken Kings. 

;; - the typed version of FVK's fangs logo.

@HeggieTBK - formerly @Heggie 42, @Heggie31 & @HeggieFVK - 42 was for 'Life, The Universe and Everything', 31 was the age I was when I restarted my account, FVK for Fearless Vampire Killers and after they disbanded three of the five members became The Broken Kings...ergo, TBK.

So far so straightforward. No ambiguous user names or aliases here; just my own real world identity. As a matter of fact I tend to use 'Heggie' alone as I have a problem with my surname - it's the name of my mother's former husband from long before I was born so I have no connection with it. Using my surname only reminds me that I am a bastard.

PROFILE

My avi is a photo from my graduation - I am the green haired one in robes in the middle, my dark haired younger daughter is on the left and my blondish haired older beastie is on the right of the shot. My header is a montage of ten pics of me with my celebrity crush - Laurence Beveridge (formerly of FVK, now of TBK).

Okay so these pics aren't exactly recent. My graduation was September 2017; the pics with Laurence date from April 2013 to July 2016. Hair colours vary and none of them are natural (which hasn't been seen since 2012). But I am not a no avi pic anonymous tweeter like a bunch of the people who've given me grief. Nor do I have a bitmoji avi (although I did when they were the in thing) or a pic of a celebrity or whatever.

BIO

Opinionated Potato - a big ol' clue there. My twitter is a lot of me ranting about whatever's got my knickers in a twist that particular day. I call myself a potato cos I am ugly.

Agender - I don't much like labels but since I realised this was me I think it's worth a mention. I do not conform to gender stereotypes and I think basing any kind of assumption about a person based on their biology or how they present makes no sense to me...so don't expect me to accept your ideas of gender norms. For the record I am perfectly fine with female pronouns - I didn't even hear the term 'agender' until my late 30s so I am really used to it.

Slytherin - this tells you two things...I love Harry Potter and I think my house fits. Slytherins are much maligned - traits are considered to be pride, cunning, ambition, determination & resourcefulness. I have not been a go-getter in my life, yet I do what I have to do to get things done - whether it's to raise my kids as a fully single parent or to get my degree from the Open University while raising aforementioned kids and working two jobs. Yes, I am selfish as Slytherins are often thought to be. Why? Because I have no one else who is going to consider my needs, let alone put me first. (I am very VERY single. Practically a nun.) I am a strong believer that if you don't take care of yourself you'll be of no use to anyone else.

Mother of Adults - I'm not actually allowed to watch GoT anymore (my daughter decided it was too scary for me - and she is so right, I am a wimp!) but obviously this is paraphrasing Daenerys' 'Mother of Dragons' title. My 'kids' are now 20 & 23. Being involved in a music fandom where a lot of the people are a helluva lot younger than me I like to own my age so as no one suddenly 'finds out' and thinks it weird. I think being older and a parent goes some way to explaining the opinions I express too. A lot of tweeters work on the erroneous assumption that everyone on the platform is under 30.

Graduated 2017 - My BA (Hons) Humanities with Classical Studies from the Open University is probably the only thing I will ever achieve in my life so yes, this is definitely getting a mention.

Ordained - you know that thing when you suddenly start wondering HOW people get ordained on the internet in the middle of the night? Well, yes, that kind of went further than I expected. It's a nod to my spiritual and philosophical outlook. It's also in respect of the really weird shit my life is made up of.

Attorney - again with the weird. Attorney doesn't just mean 'solicitor' or 'lawyer', it simply means 'representative'. I have Enduring Power of Attorney - a legal status to take care of my mother's affairs.

Carer - my mother had a severe stroke on 16th April 2018; I now look after her full time. Not only does this mean I don't have a job anymore but I'm also not able to pursue my other interests - such as art and reading - fully at this time. I am struggling emotionally with the unexpected change in circumstances.

Hedgehogs & coelacanths - I am a hodgeheggie. Prickly outside, squishy underbelly, unhealthy relationship with slugs (I am limaxaphobic) and generally in decline. I have a bunch of hedgehogs in my bedroom; I was going with a woodland theme for my home - owls for my eldest, foxes for my youngest and a theme of poppies and cornflowers for the story 'Sleeping Murder' which made me a real Agatha Christie fan. Coelacanths are my favourite animal - I have been fascinated by their rediscovery since I was 7 - and they have been the subject of several of my paintings.

Praise the Aten - I'm not a sun worshiper in the traditional sense, I have an interest in Egyptology and since my mum took me and my kids on a Nile cruise for my 30th I have had a particular fascination for the sun cult of Akhenaten. My elder daughter and I designed tattoos for each other - the one I got includes an Aten.

So as I said in my previous edition - I am a Heggie of many parts. Is this all I am? No. Is it representative? I hope so. I chose key words and phrases carefully to sum myself up as best as I could with a limited character count. It's a bit of a mishmash but then who isn't?!

And if, after all this, you agree with that random asshat who was offended by my profile...BYE!!!

Unequal Equality

Over the last few days I've been getting a fair bit of hassle over a tweet. Specifically:

Somewhat vexed that the disappearance of Libby Squire (21, Hull Uni)

seems to be getting more coverage than that of

Daniel Williams (19, Reading Uni). Everyday sexism?

- @HeggieTBK; 10:24pm 4th February 2019

I have been called disgusting, despicable, bloody awful etc for it...why? Because I dared to suggest a man might be disadvantaged based on gender. Equality, it seems, is only attractive if it applies to our preconceived ideas of the underdog.

First of all lets just go over the facts. Both disappearances involved young white British university students. Daniel disappeared first - he was last seen alive around 1am on Thursday January 31st 2019. Sadly his body was found in a lake on campus five days later but he was still missing at the time of the tweet. Libby vanished less than 24 hours later - last seen at 11:40pm. At the time of blogging she remains unfound. 

Let me go through a few key points for a moment here...

• Neither student has been flagged in the media for being an especially at-risk individual (eg. medical issues or disability) which would be an acceptable contributing factor to the discrepancy in coverage. In short, both cases are strikingly similar and noteworthy for being the same day - making an assessment of the coverage that bit easier. However, I certainly acknowledge that what I personally have seen is just a partial sample. I deliberately wrote that it 'seems' to be a difference in coverage, not an absolute statement that this was the case.
• Contrary to what people inferred I never stated that the reason for any discrepancy was sexism. The question mark after 'everyday sexism' is significant here; I was SUGGESTING it as a cause or at least a contributing factor.
• A few people claimed that Libby's case got more coverage because she had gone missing more recently. At the time, Daniel had been missing 22 hours longer, not that a matter of hours should matter - if one had been already missing weeks or months it would be different. Indeed, at least one person claimed Daniel had been missing since New Year's Eve, confusing his case with another. A genuine mistake or perhaps another sign that Daniel's case really was less reported?
• Several people asserted that Daniel's family wanted privacy and that was the reason his case got less media attention. This may be so - but is it acceptable that a missing young person should get more or less attention based on their family's interaction with the press? I certainly understand that some families actively drive media campaigns, especially after the first flush of interest dies down but just because a distressed family aren't keen to talk to journalists or make TV appearances doesn't mean their loved-one shouldn't still be front page news. The missing person should take precidence over their family's actions / inactions.

One of the weirdest accusations leveled against me was that I was "trying to score points" off these people's disappearances. What the hell is that even supposed to MEAN? It's not a game. I was commenting on my perception of current affairs. I could comment until the cows come home on how historically the disappearances of various young people have been handled in the press - girls and young women getting far more attention than boys, men and older women; whites getting more attention than other ethnicities; well-off getting more attention than the poor. I have nothing to gain from my speculation, it merely bothered me that the lad at a university geographically close to me seemed to be getting mentioned as a footnote to a girl's disappearance. I would not be happy if my child's disappearance only seemed to be mentioned as an afterthought in the coverage of another person's case.

For many the problem seems to be applying the word 'sexism' to a scenario where the male is disadvantaged on grounds of gender. Men ARE disadvantaged in many ways in our society; they are inherently distrusted, a woman's word is valued more highly; men are disadvantaged in many careers and in custody hearings. But people seem to find acknowledging this distasteful.

Now, those of you who have read my blogs will know that I am agender. I am biologically (and presenting) female but I don't identify as such - my sex has nothing to do with who I am as a human being. I don't expect to be treated better or worse for being biologically female; the only reason that should matter is in terms of sex-differentiated medical conditions. I am also the parent of two biologically female offspring - one is at uni, the other has graduated. I don't expect them to be treated any differently based on their biological sex or gender identities either! I am not beyond imagining myself to be the parent of male offspring who I also would not want treated any differently based on gender. This is what equality means to me.

The only reasons to treat people differently in this scenario is if one was at more risk than another - one is an insulin-dependent diabetic, for example, or if there are specific indications of foul play. It makes me mad to think that a young woman is considered to be at greater risk than a young man purely because she is female. Like men cannot be victims of sexual assault or violence. It makes me mad that people think their fathers / brothers / husbands / sons deserve anything different than their mothers / sisters / wives / daughters.

I have commented a number of times that I dislike 'feminism' and prefer the term 'egalitarian'. Strictly speaking the one is a branch of the other but to me, feminism implies firstly the necessity of a female identity (and there are self-identified feminists who disregard non-cis females - there are also groups of feminists who disregard the problems specific to women of colour - feminism is not especially inclusive) and also a strong suggestion that women are inherently disadvantaged and victimised. On this second point I disagree. I know that my own experiences of being female aren't an absolute but I cannot relate to issues such as cat-calling or being disrespected on ground of gender. I am not saying these things are not common but at 40 years old I can only say that I have not experienced them - I can be indignant that others have suffered but so many interpretations of feminism start from a position of victimhood that I cannot identify with...and even if I could, I do not find strength in victimhood. I prefer to assume I have power; that I am equal to anyone else.

Now obviously, that is all about me and why I look at things the way I do. I understand that others are different, of course I do. But I find it confusing how my tweet calling for actual meaningful equality resulted in personal attacks on me. That their are women who think wanting males to be treated equally is unacceptable is both weird and disturbing but the fact that men responded angrily to my tweet I find utterly baffling. Is that toxic masculinity - men who are offended that any man could be considered as vulnerable as a female? Or is it toxic feminism - convincing men that their needs are less than those of women?

Maybe Daniel and Libby's disappearances were treated equally in the press...but why are people (of a non journalist persuasion) so offended by the suggestion that they weren't? In my humble opinion this is why true equality is a long way off for our society - because we still can't acknowledge that certain forms of inequality even exist. I for one only want equality if it really is the same set of rights and privileges for everyone.

UPDATE
Libby Squire's body was found in the Humber 7 weeks after her disappearance and is being treated as a potential homicide.
Daniel Williams' death was considered misadventure - drowning under the influence of alcohol.
I'm not saying Daniel didn't die in a tragic accident or that Libby wasn't murdered but it still seems odd from my outside perspective that the cases STILL strikingly similar seem to be considered so differently - that the male caused his own death but that the girl must've been hurt by someone else? Presumably there is some evidence but what evidence would there be if a drunk lad was pushed into a freezing lake? I also wonder what evidence of foul play they might have in Libby's case as nearly 2 months in the water isn't good for preserving traces...