Day 28

I can't cope.

My mum has been in hospital for four weeks now and it seems to be all about complications and apathy. Without going into too much detail she has a medical condition but is on a rehab ward with no doctor; we got a duty doctor called but he arrived at 3am, my mum was asleep so he didn't bother to see her OR organise any follow-up. She's in a lot of pain and distress; they've done NO follow-up testing to see if the treatments are even working and they give her paracetamol only occasionally. On top of that she's at serious risk of dehydration because she just can't / won't drink enough. I'm looking at having to quit work now so I can look after her while she's still in hospital because it's that bad!

The cat's paw thankfully seems to have healed, the plumbing crisis has been fixed (thank you, dad!) but naturally now *I* am having a health scare too.

The bit that finished me off though was my daughter's uni finances application which I hate on principal and always get super stressed out over but this time ended up with the entire family screaming and me getting the blame for everything. My father started banging on "there's no point having a panic attack" ...well thanks for that astute observation you absolute FUCKTARD! Not like it's a matter of choice and you're not bloody helping. Complete bloody moron.

I just want everything to STOP.

Day Nineteen

My mum is starting to make some baby steps toward progress. We guessed at the outset that this was going to be a long hard journey...I don't especially like being right but I feel it's better to plan for the hard stuff than setting yourself up for disappointment expecting it to be easy. I'd rather fear a difficult recuperation and be right (or pleasantly surprised if it's 'not that bad') than anticipate a speedy recovery and be disheartened.

So...she's starting to spend a bit more time awake and alert; she's doing better enunciating and projecting her voice - more than half the trouble understanding her is how quietly she's been talking, especially difficult in a noisy ward with lots of distractions.

Tonight though we had a little bit of a hiccup. Toward the end of our visit my mum asked if her parents were alright...

As I said in an earlier post my grandad, her dad, was left severely incapacitated from a stroke. He died, aged 91, in 2000 from related causes. Her mum died, aged 95, just a matter of weeks later - also, as it turns out, from a stroke.

My mum cared for them from the outset right to the very end so the fact she'd lost track of those memories came as quite a shock. Not only that, but they died a long time ago - back when my kids were really small so the fact she recognises them as being adults (and me as a middle-aged woman) seems a tad incongruous.

At the same time I'm seeing it as progress - she's thinking more about life outside of her hospital bed, of people and things that are important to her...even if she's getting a bit muddled on the details.

She took the 'news' pretty well. Thankfully it didn't seem like she was going to grieve them over again. However, she is starting to get a tad depressed as the realisation of how ill she's been starts to dawn on her. For two and a half weeks she's been in a weird kind of bubble of existing in a hospital bed and just accepting that's how things are but now she's remembering a life outside of that and feeling frustrated she isn't better yet...there's a lot of hard stuff still to come, I think.

Understanding and Forgiveness

This blog is directly linked to my last: '22 - 40 - 70-something'

I have always been the sort of mum to talk to my kids; to explain things that are going on in an age appropriate way and not to hide stuff from them. One thing that particularly bugs me is parents who, when expecting a new baby, avoid having The Talk with their kids when it's the perfect opportunity to do so. My daughter Erin was 4 when her great granddad died and like everything else I explained to her why everyone was sad but that he had been very ill for a long time. Just as at age 2 I explained how she was going to become a big sister and at 5 and a half I explained 9/11 to her as best I could.

I did not have a happy childhood. One of the worst parts was being at a certain primary school, between the ages of 6.5 and 9.5, where I had a rough time being bullied by my teacher. I felt that by age 9 my parents, my mother especially, had lost all interest in me. In trying to explain what was happening at school I was told to "fight your own battles" which a kid of that age clearly can't do and I felt utterly abandoned. In year 5 I finally got out of that school but the damage was done; beyond criticising my grades and perceived lack of effort at school they didn't seem to care anymore, then, when my behaviour deteriorated in consequence, that was just another thing to have a go at me for.

Despite now being 40 I have had a realisation about all this just in these last couple of weeks - and more than ever I advocate HONESTY and talking to even very young children.

When I was 6 years old my parents moved house (to a fixer-upper, they would spend YEARS putting it right) and I was enrolled at that school where I had such a hard time. Also when I was 6 my granddad had a severe and debilitating stroke; he died when I was 22. Although I associate my difficulties with a few years later I now see the connection.

Sadly I only came to this realisation now my own situation mirrors it somewhat. I moved into this house (with a fair few teething troubles) nearly 9 months ago, I have been struggling with stress in my 'new' job...and now my mum has had severe and debilitating strokes. On the plus side my children are now 19 & 22 and far better equipped to understand and deal with my being extremely worried and distracted.

Now I realise what a tough time my parents were going through, my mother especially. Obviously I knew my granddad was ill and in hospital, later that he was home and disabled but, as I saw it, he was old and that happens. I don't think I especially lacked empathy for my mother but I certainly didn't understand just how stressful it was for her - because she didn't tell me - maybe it sounds ridiculous but even as a full-grown adult with full-grown adult children of my own I could not have imagined just 3 weeks ago how traumatic this would be. I knew my mum was worried when her dad was in hospital and later I knew she had a rough time caring for her parents so that they could stay in their own home, but only now do I get an inkling of what that entailed.

I wish my parents had talked to me more, back then especially but at all other times as well; I wish that I had had a better chance to understand. Maybe I'd still have been a needy little shit but I could have tried to add less to their burdens.

As the only child of a stay-at-home mum I expected more attention - I literally got picked on because other kids were jealous I had that, but it sucked being so alone all the time. Kids NEED parenting support, I can't judge myself too harshly for wanting something I needed so badly.

I do feel bad that I've been a teenager, an adult, a mum since then and I still didn't get it but it's the domino effect. Because of how I grew up feeling neglected I've seen the world in a certain light, and at no point over the years have we talked about what happened with my granddad and how it affected our family. I wish I had come to understand this without my mother having to go through all this - sadly it may be true that you can't understand until you have walked in someone else's shoes... Maybe it would have been different if I had ever related my childhood experience with my granddad's stroke.

Over the last 2 weeks I have had an awakening - I understand so much more what was going on in my childhood and how that has affected my relationship with my parents right up to the present day. I even understand better why they reacted so badly to my teenage pregnancies. They were going through so much but I just thought, because of the suffering I was going through, that they hated me. Finally, I feel like I can forgive.

22 - 40 - 70-something

When my mum turned 40 I was 6. Her dad was 75...and that's when he had a severe and debilitating stroke. He lived another 16 years, dying in 2000 when I was 22.

I have a 22 year old daughter. I turned 40 a month ago. I feel like I have aged 40 years in the last week: my 73-and-a-half year old mum just had a stroke.

On Sunday my mum came over for a roast dinner. We talked for hours. I keep thinking of odd things that came up - like her spotting my old baby blanket (which was also my daughters' when they came along) in my cat's wicker carrying basket, or her interest in modern washable sanitary pads

Just over 24 hours and a migraine later I was just about to step into the shower when I heard the phone ring. My 22 year old daughter, Erin, answered and a moment later said, perfectly calmly, "Mum, emergency". In fact, it was so calm that's what got my attention. It still seems weird that it all began so low-key.

My stepdad had been trying to get hold of my mum - she spends most of her time with him but still has a flat here; she values her freedom and independence - she finally answered and he couldn't understand her. He rang me and raised the alarm. Erin and I don't drive but my dad lives next door...minutes later we were tearing across town, split between fearing the worst, and imagining how pissed my mum would be for us pestering her!

I've hardly known which way was up since then. This week has been all about difficult phone calls and decisions and whole lot of adulting...I just want to do colouring in my blanket fort!

My mum is stable and has finally been moved onto a specialist stroke unit but I don't feel like the stress will let up any time soon.

I am so grateful I had my kids young. I couldn't imagine going through this with a 6 year old to look after. Think about that if you're ever inclined to judge teen parents!

I'm glad I had such a good mid-life crisis.


Update:
I described that first week as the longest seventeen months of my life. When we got past the seventeen month mark we agreed that for a randomly selected time period it was pretty spot-on. 
Mum's stroke was described as 'severe' and she had multiple points of damage in both hemispheres.

But what about the piggies and the cowsies and the absolute units???

I know I really need to lay off the vegan-themed blogs BUT I saw this comment on a post via Facebook about Richard Branson supporting alternatives to meat and I just HAD to respond-slash-rant. Here it is:

"But my worry is what will happen to all the animals. 

I am vegetarian and love animals but if no-one makes a profit from farm animals, 

will anyone look after them or will they be left to roam wild. 

It's such a dilemma but animals do need to be protected"

And this response from another complete idiot:

"Exactly my concern. If there is no profit in raising cattle, pigs, etc., who will raise them? What will become of them? 

If everyone becomes vegan, then chickens, goats and more will also become too expensive to feed and provide veterinary care. It's not that simple."

WHAT??? Honestly, the stupidity here is mind-boggling, especially from someone who already identifies as vegetarian, but sadly it's an argument I have heard time and again.

Who is 'looking after' the animals now? Animals are BRED to be used and abused and slaughtered for our 'needs'. Is that 'looking after' them? We feed them so they can grow. We give them medical aid so their flesh is safe to eat. We address only our needs not theirs.

Farm animals exist not because they were provided for our use because God or nature created them that way but because of animal husbandry. The selective breeding of animals which originally existed in the wild changed them beyond all recognition. They would most likely not survive in the wild although I think rehabilitation would be possible. As and when meat production ends they will simply not be bred anymore. Just as since motor vehicles came in people breed far less cart-horses! It is AMAZINGLY simple.

The meat industry will, sadly, not screech to a halt overnight leaving millions of farmed animals to starve. IF it ever ends completely it will fizzle out slowly, become a niche market and only THEN will the industry die out, with comparatively few animals left within it. And what would most likely happen is that show animals, petting zoos and regular zoos would prevent certain breeds and species from going extinct. Hopefully existing agricultural laws would protect any farmers' unwanted livestock from being left to starve or whatever these idiots imagine will happen...

Seriously, how do people not understand this?!

An Open Letter To My Ex

Today marks the 24th anniversary of the day we met, next month will be the 20th anniversary of our breaking up. If that's not a clue as to how pathetic this blog entry is gonna be I don't know what would be. Feel free to leave now and save me the embarrassment...but ye gods I needed to get this off my chest. It's been a long time since we were together and we weren't exactly together for those four years either - not just the standard drama of breaking / making up either. I wish that the fact I'm still thinking of you, and our anniversaries, meant ours was a wonderful relationship, but it wasn't.

Believe it or not, this would be a lot easier if you had been the love of my life but you weren't. The love of my life, so far as I can tell, is a person I met five years ago tomorrow...but will never be with. Even knowing it's not gonna happen the lowest moment of the past five years has been better than the highest point of my time with you. And if those two extremes weren't enough, the next bit is extra difficult to say - that's all there's been for me.

One shitty relationship (dat wit u) in my teens and the unrequited love of my midlife crisis. Nothing more. It's not something I'm proud of because it hasn't been by choice. Twenty years single.

I swing between wanting you to know that and hoping you never do. Today I'm in a wanting you to know that mood. You didn't have to pretend to love me...not that you made much of a pretence about it really but that's what you did. You didn't have to lie and plan a future with me; you chose to do that. What did I do to deserve that, and why should I pretend that you didn't cause me immense pain? Why shouldn't you know that your actions had consequences that I still live with?  Do you even remember that we were still planning our wedding to the day you walked out?! YOU were the one that insisted on a wedding, why would you even do that??? 

Obviously I was an idiot for imagining that was ever going to happen but all I had ever wanted was to be loved, that's why I believed all your BS; because I desperately wanted to believe no matter how much evidence was stacked against it. Even after you left I spent YEARS believing it was my fault, that it was something I had done. I tore myself apart over it and I know damn well I was hard to live with, I know I wasn't perfect but I also know I did everything I could to keep my family together. I would have done ANYTHING; I gave EVERYTHING I had. It wasn't even close to being enough. Because I would rather take the blame than face the truth: you never wanted me. I figured it out eventually but it didn't help any. I had spent such a long time thinking "well XXXXXX loved me so eventually someone else will" - that thought had given me strength and now I don't even have that. Just like for years I thought it was because I was fat...so I lost a load of weight and discovered that no, it's just me, no one's interested and I'm gonna die alone. Maybe one day I'll make my peace with that.

I swing between being pathetically grateful I even had your pale imitation of love and being angry at you for giving me false hope. Today angry wins. You didn't owe me anything but you also didn't have to do this to me and I will never understand why you did. I assume you never considered what it would do to me, or what would become of me after you were through. Maybe you just never realised how much pain I was capable of feeling.

Over all the years I don't suppose you've ever given me a second thought. I've thought of you though... Sometimes I hope karma's being a bitch to you, even if I was the only one you ever hurt this way. Sometimes I hope you're a better person today than you were back then. Sometimes I hope you're happy, cos what's the point of us both being miserable? Mostly I hope you never treated anyone else like this; if you did, I hope that they found someone else...I wouldn't wish my life on anyone. Even you.

I've wondered what you would have thought if you'd ever seen how things were with us. Whether you'd have been shocked at how broken I was, or at the fact that I'm still alone. Maybe, in your mind, this is what I deserved... Did you ever consider what it would do to our kids to grow up without a father, or did you imagine another man would step up and take that role? I don't suppose you ever thought about any of us. Sometimes I wish you could know what we've done and achieved without you, that you knew what you missed out on, that we're better for not having had you be a part of it but I do realise you wouldn't care. You chose not to be a part of our lives, you chose not to even stay intermittently in touch. You got exactly what you wanted: you got out.

I'm glad you walked out and stayed gone, for all the hardships it brought on me and our kids. The only way you could have possibly hurt me more was for me to have to see you being the husband and father in another family the way you couldn't be for us. Whatever the last twenty years have been like for you I am sure I didn't need to see it. 

Obviously I'm still an idiot for thinking about such things. You weren't capable of caring when I knew you. And if you changed, as I hope you have, then the man who hurt me is long gone. It's all pointless.

But as a bit of a footnote: don't get to thinking I miss you. I don't even miss what we had cos frankly it was actually pretty awful. I've known all along I had a lucky escape. The only reason I even think of you is that there was no one else. If there had been, the memory of you would have long since been relegated to the dustiest corner of my mind along with all the other things best forgotten - like school bullies and that bad pizza in Malta. I deserved better than you but you were all I got...and that pisses me off.

I want this post to serve as a warning. I don't care about the whys and wherefores of what caused your destructive relationship(s) to be that way. Just remember that while the shit you do can come back on you it definitely stays with whoever you did it to in the first place. I will go through the rest of my life wishing I knew why my life had to turn out this way...why my karma is shit...what sin I committed and how could I ever atone for it...all because he said he loved me. I'd have been better off never having had a relationship at all.

Despicable Heggie

Okay...so today is my 40th birthday (UGH!) and...where to begin?

So it all started with work, where there are helium balloons, and ever since I started there I wanted to buy Minions balloons for my birthday. And that is just what I did. A dozen Minion balloons just for me.

BUT I had never seen ANY of the films. I just thought the little Twinkie-looking critters were cute.

My eldest, Erin, got me a whole bunch of DVDs and I bet you can guess what (if you can't, I fear you).

We just watched Despicable Me and all I can say is as a film about my life it's not particularly accurate but...I LOVE IT!

I am Gru.

I acquired children, two girls not three unless I have miscounted, with somewhat misguided intentions. Not in the attempt of accomplishing the crime-of-the-century but in the attempt of keeping the man I was with. Not in the usual sense of entrapment (*glares at my mother meaningfully*) but because he claimed to want a family.

Yeah, right. That lasted all of about five minutes. He *ahem* off and I got screwed over, literally and figuratively. As a homeless 17 year old I didn't think I could cope and begged to put my poor elder beastie up for adoption. Fortunately no one listened.

Three years later, exact same scenario, exact same guy. Look. I never said I was smart. In fact, a high IQ has absolutely no correlation to common sense. I am / was / ever more shall be a complete dumbass. Got it?! 

I went from struggling to get by to absolutely shitting it. At one point, when my kids were 4 and 1, I actually dragged them to Social Services and BEGGED them to take my kids cos I couldn't cope. They ignored me. I was living hand-to-mouth with virtually no adult contact and my kids were *ahem* not the easiest of little cherubs. 

The point is, like Gru, I didn't think my [evil] plan through and ultimately I love my kids and am so glad I got to raise them. Being a single parent on welfare is SHIT. I got zero support. I had a health visitor who scared the bejeezus outta me talking about her psychiatrist. My parents...HMMMM...they felt that the best thing was to compel me to step up by means of their not helping me out. Not saying they were necessarily WRONG just that it was harsh and the fact the three of us are still alive to tell the tale is probably just sheer dumb luck.

That bit where Gru's girls are destroying EVERYTHING? Utterly relatable. If I'd had access to a freeze ray they'd still be defrosting! (*thinks about that time K poisoned the ketchup / curried her sister's shoes / painted herself blue / got drunk on sherry AGE 4 / salad-creamed her sister in bed etc*)

I wish I'd done better.

I wish I hadn't fucked up once...instead of the 57,73,888,947,465,635,434 times I actually did.

I wish I had possessed even ONE maternal instinct.

I wish it had only taken me the length of a kids' movie to accept the situation and step up.

I wish I'd got my kids all the fluffiest unicorns.

I wish I'd read all the bedtime stories. Even though Erni would've pitched seven fits and hurled all the books like an anti-literature poltergeist.

Why? Because now my kids are adults and I can't turn back time. Because now the hard times have passed it's hard even for me to understand why I was struggling so badly. Because I am so proud of the young women my daughters have become in spite of being burdened with a mum like me.

I am sorry, kids. I love you. I am proud of you. 

You did me good. I only wish I had been good for you, too.