Five Brothers and a Million Sisters

I wish I could remember how I heard about the reunion of New Kids On The Block...

I was a technophobe for the longest time and a few years ago (2006-ish?) I finally took the plunge and went on a course called "Computers for the Curious and Terrified"...practically the first thing I did on learning how to look stuff up on the internet was to search "Donnie Wahlberg".

According to my kids I had never even mentioned NKOTB. I can't believe that's true but I had put it away, not followed the guys' solo careers. When they split up it was painful, and I was having some major issues of my own (see previous blog) - it was easier to leave it behind.

Anyhoo...sometime in 2008 I was presumably looking him up again to see how he was doing when I stumbled across the news about the reunion. I confess I wasn't that excited. Well, maybe "in denial" is more accurate.

I was like "Oh, that's nice. I hope it goes well," and "I'll probably buy the album, just for old times' sake."

I did not analyse my motivation too closely the night I played Summertime for the first time. I didn't have broadband in those days and I heard it in 4 second fragments and the whole song took the best part of an hour.

September 1st 2008 was the day it changed. I got up, put on the TV to a music video channel and squealed like I was 13 again! The kids came running "Mum! What's wrong?" they cried. All I could do was point at the TV and babble incoherently. I've been fairly incoherrent ever since...

An hour later I'd ordered the single, album and greatest hits CDs online. Three days later, driven half loopy by the wait I went into the local record store and got the single and a (different) compilation CD. I was in for a bit of a shock. The first track was one of my all-time favourites 'Cover Girl' but it was all wrong. Nearly 2 years on I still haven't found out where the "Video Version" comes from cos it's not on Hangin' Tough Live or the album or the single (7" or 12"). I know because I bought them all to double check! Answers in a tweet to @Heggie31 if you know...

So since then I've got broadband so I can watch New Kids videos on YouTube; signed up with iTunes to complete by back catalogue on MP3; got myself a PayPal account to watch the webcast last summer; learned to use ebay (oh dear) to replace what I can of my memorabilia collection (actually i have more stuff now than I did in my teens); learned to Tweet so I could get that all-imprortant Donnie Wahlberg follow (#686)...it's been an amazing ride and I wouldn't have missed a minute of it.

The friendships I have made, the wonderful people I have got to talk to all over the world - all because of New Kids. It has been a thoroughly enriching experience (and long may it continue). I am not reliving my youth. My youth was crap! This is so much better.

And the highlight of it all? 25th January 2009 - Hammersmith Apollo, London.

That I got to see New Kids again: Dream come true
That I got to see them in a theatre, like on Hangin' Tough Live, not some big ass arena: Dream come true
Fifth row balcony seats: OMG OMG OMG
NKOTB coming up to the balcony for 'Tonight': OMG OMG OMG!!!
Them coming past and reaching out to touch Donnie: How I didn't pass out on the spot I'll never know...
Getting my moment immortalised on the Coming Home DVD: *incoherent sounds of ecstasy*


Maybe I should be sad - because surely it can't get any better than this...but knowing New Kids it just might so I'm Hangin' Tough and I'll Be There until it's Officially Over. And even then...I'm a Blockhead for life, I won't be leaving my love for those five boys from Boston behind again.

I Hate Summertime

I'll be happy to get to mid August and not just because I'll be on holiday...I really hate this time of year and, being exceptionally slow on the uptake, I've finally figured out why:
Between mid June to mid August my life has a history of falling apart.

1994
I was 16 years old...NKOTB split up, I found out I was pregnant, parents kicked me out and I spent some time in hostels for the homeless, he walked away saying he didn't want to "influence my decision" and left me to the mercy (ha!) of my parents. As I don't have a 15 year old you can guess how that worked out... By mid August I had taken him back...because I am exceptionally stupid

1995
Same guy, same time of year, much the same story only this time I DO have a 14 year old to show for it...
I'll also mention that I'd had an early miscarriage in the January - I was stupid but in my defence my head was seriously screwed up by this point.

1996
It was in mid June that I took THE SAME GUY back AGAIN. I did say I was REALLY STUPID, right?!?!

1998
The same guy had been in prison for a year, he came home to me and left 5 weeks later and yup, pregnant again. That's four pregnancies before I was 21 and all with the same useless bloke. There aren't words for just how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly stupid I was.
It was in July that I last saw him. He let me down when I was rushed into hospital for emergency surgery - torsion of a volleyball-sized ovarian cyst at 15 weeks along is not fun and the [bleep] wouldn't even bring me a nightie! Luckily I made it and I have an 11 year old. Sometimes the way she acts suggests she wasn't worth the trouble mind you

2007
After a stretch of quiet summers I found a lump in my abdomen as I was leaving for a holiday in Croatia. History was repeating with another big ol' ovarian cyst. After being rescheduled I finally had surgery on July 26th - the day before my 1st baby's anniversary
All went well but back on the ward a nurse commented that both tumours had been successfully removed. What do you mean BOTH?! I had been under the impression there was one cyst on the same, previously damaged ovary. Somehow they'd forgotten to tell me there were two, one on each and in fact the bigger one (at 6 inches by 4) was on the other ovary so both were now badly damaged.
I totally freaked. Threw a big ol' hissy fit too when they said my oxygen sats were too low. "Of course they're low, you morons!" I screeched between heaving sobs, "Can't you see I'm crying my heart out?!"
All my hopes for one day meeting a half-way decent guy and having a baby the traditional way - i.e. not on my bleedin' own - went out of the window. I'm still menstruating on borrowed time but there's not much hope. As there's not much hope of finding a man either I suppose it shouldn't bother me... In all honesty I'm no fan of babies, it's just the disappointment of knowing that experience is not something I'm ever going to have.
Whilst I was in hospital my front door "broke" - the locking mechanism gave up and the whole thing had to be replaced. The day I got home the new boiler sprang a leak. A week or so later, my tumble drier spontaneously combusted and my mother and I carried it, still smoking, up the garden when I still wasn't supposed to be lifting anything heavier than a kettle

Nope. I really don't like this time of year.
In memory of Jake Reece ~ I think about you in the Summertime...

Eliminate Inequality!

There is a lot of discussion in Britain about banning the Burka at the present, following bans in Belgium and France. I am fully in favour of a ban on the Burka - not because I am racist or feminist but because it is FUNDAMENTALLY UNFAIR.

I have heard a Burka ban described as prejudiced, un-British or infringing on personal freedom of choice - this is not true for one very simple reason: every other person in this country HAS to show their face.

A ban on Burkas would simply close a loophole in British law. Why should a Muslim woman be exempted from breaking existing laws? Anyone else walking around a public place with their face concealed could be challenged and possibly arrested! The police have the power to seize masks and garments used for concealment. Yet, on the grounds of religion, these women are given a freedom denied to every other citizen. If that is not racist, and indeed sexist as this exemption only applies to women, I don't know what is!

No other member of our society can conceal their face and that is inequality. I do not approve of the Burka - I think it is inappropriate and a potential factor in supressing women. However, if I lived in a country where wearing one was required by law I would abide by that. The law of this land is that no one should have their face hidden from sight without ample cause. Islam is not ample cause, because wearing the Burka is not a requirement of the faith but a matter of personal choice.

A British Airways employee was sacked not so long ago for wearing a non-regulation Christian cross to work. She appealed and lost. She did not have the right to express her faith in the manner she chose because it was a matter of personal choice.

I am irritated that in all the discussions I have heard on the news no one has brought up this simple point. I have heard anti-Burka ban politicians spouting about how there should never be a law saying what we can or can't wear but the point is THERE ALREADY ARE! I cannot walk about in public naked (as if I'd want to!) or disguised or concealed.

If I wear a mask I would be challenged. If I wear a hooded top into a shop I can be kicked out as such garments conceal a face from security cameras - I heard of a toddler being banned from a shopping centre because he was in a hoodie! I cannot choose to hide my face...so why should anyone else regardless of race, religion or gender?

If the Burka is not banned the law ought to be changed to allow everyone the choice to conceal their face in a public place - but can you imagine if anyone and everyone could wear a Burka-like garment?! Security cameras would be rendered obsolete and crime would soar!

Police Officer: Can you describe the person who mugged you?

Victim: Not really...

Police Officer: Height?

Victim: Medium-ish...

Police Officer: Male or female?

Victim: No idea...

Police Officer: Ethnicity?

Victim: No idea...

Police Officer: Well, what were they wearing?!

Victim: Ah, you see officer - they were dressed as Mickey Mouse...

I used to be terrified of people in costumes like that when I was a kid. There was actually an acid attack case some years ago, loads of people saw the perpetrator but I don't think he was ever identified...he was dressed as a clown at the time.

People are supposed to be identifiable for a reason and no one should be exempted. One law for all please!

[Edit: This is badly phrased and I apologise. I have always understood the importance of cultural exemptions but the burka is a choice not a cultural marker - some Islamic women choose to wear them, others do not. There is no consensus. This is not anything like the Sikh Kirpan (knife) which is on obligatory article of faith although many Sikhs use a symbolic Kirpan rather than a 'real' (functional) blade or choose to forgo it in order to avoid frightening the ignorant. Fairly sure that if a Sikh used a Kirpan to threaten or harm someone the cultural exemption would be negated.]

Mi Familia

I don't suppose anyone is remotely interested but as I've mentioned my sort-of-step-dad a few times on Twitter lately I felt I should clarify the situation for future reference.

First to explain my parents - they are two of the most screwed up individuals I have ever met. They were screwed up before they met and succeeded in making each other worse. They are difficult enough people individually but together...let's just say my childhood was decidedly odd.

My mother got pregnant with me...this presumably seemed like a good idea at the time but backfired on her spectacularly. Just like me, my mother wouldn't recognise a maternal instinct if it jumped up and bit her on the bum - like millions of other women throughout history she thought she could win my dad's affection this way. My dad (who I also call Pogsy for no adequate reason) never got over his resentment of this; my mum never got over the disappointment and I got well and truly screwed up being caught in the middle.

Strangely, my parents actually got on quite well for people who despised each other. This only served to confuse me even more! They developed a kind of friendship from being stuck with each other.

My parents split up when I was about 25. I was rather disappointed they couldn't have done it 20 years earlier...or better yet, before my conception therefore avoiding a lot of trouble.

My dad is still single - he will fall for married women... My mum has had a few boyfriends and for several years now has been with Neville bringing us back to the sort-of-step-dad issue.

My mother has no interest in getting married again (my mum and dad never married but she had been married before) or even co-habitting again. Admittedly she spends an awful lot of time at Neville's but I think she's happier knowing she has her own place to go back to if they start getting on each others nerves. So Neville is not legally my step dad or in a common-law kind of way either. However, he's a great guy and definitely part of the family so far as I'm concerned. Even my mum had a Freudian slip recently where she referred to both in an anecdote; calling Neville as my dad and my dad by his Christian name.

Years ago I told my mum that my dream boyfriend would be a long-distance lorry driver. Someone I could enjoy being with but wouldn't be under my feet all the time. But it was my mum who got the lorry driver in the end! Well, technically it's a white van and he's semi-retired but who's being pedantic?!

When they first got together Neville was travelling all over Europe couriering (sp?) stuff around. It wasn't long before my mother was tagging along. My mother who had insisted she was only going to stay in comfortable hotels in future CHOSE to camp in the back of a delivery van...nuts!

Often it was just random boxes of documents or supplies for pharmaceutical companies but sometimes it was working for popstars... One day my mum rang to say they were doing a job for "a group you'll never have heard of...Violent Femmes" I rather put her out because I had heard of them! She never once managed to catch me out: Morcheeba, Chicane, Hot Chip, Tori Amos... That seemed to bug her somehow. You'd think she'd actually have been pleased...

Anyway, in late 2008 I started harbouring a secret fantasy...that Neville would get a job for the European leg of New Kids On The Block's tour and let me tag along instead of my mum! It wasn't to be. The company he drove for went bust ahead of time. Never mind...

Neville with Smokey Robinson

Keep Out Of Reach Of Children

Six little words, so often noticed on everyday household items yet so rarely understood, let alone heeded.

So many people foolishly think the warning refers to the item on which the words appear - that the batteries, lighters or whatever are to be kept away from children. Wrong!!! After all many things are dangerous to children but do not carry such a warning. For example - a bottle of vodka would be hazardous in the hands (or stomach) of a child but it it is more likely a harrassed parent, driven to the edge of sanity, will be the one reaching for the bottle. For a parent to see that warning all too painfully late might be the last straw which sends them in a swan-dive off the nearest multi-storey car-park. Therefore no "keep out of reach of children" message appears on the label of the vodka bottle.

The words are, in fact, a warning to the reader to keep at a safe distance from children. Children are dangerous to your mental and physical wellbeing; they drain your resources and destroy your property.

Men take this well-meant advice far more than women. A man at the first hint of a child will often flee - literally! A woman tends to go all sappy and often doesn't realise the error of her ways until the child is a teenager...by which time the woman's hair has prematurely greyed from stress.

I can't stand children. Never could, even when I was one! How I ended up with two of the little blighters I am still not entirely sure about. "Hormones" had a lot to do with it, and a persuasive ex who subsequently fled in the best time-honoured tradition.

There are no maternal-instincts in my family. My own existence is similarly a confusion to my own mother - and she has had over 32 years to ponder the question. Perhaps instead of maternal-instincts in our genes we have a kind of hereditary insanity that causes us to have children despite despising the little beasts?

Thankfully my little monsters are not so little now; in fact I am well past the halfway stage! I hope and pray that by the time I turn 40 they will have flown the nest and I will be in peace at last...although the way things are going that peace might be more of the "eternal rest" variety... A friend of mine has rug-rat commitments until the age of 52. Rather her than me!

Can you tell I have been having some trials and tribulations with my offspring? Stealing, lies, fighting, cheating, betrayal of trust...and that's just the last 24 hours! Some days I really wonder how come I have managed to not kill them...

A Fish For Friday

I created this pic the other day as a joke inspired by one of my friends on Twitter - combining two of my favourite things: Donnie Wahlberg, of New Kids On The Block, and Coelacanths.

I dare say I'll blog plenty in due course about my NKOTB issues but tonight I'll talk about the darling fishies.

I first came across the coelacanth story when I was about 7 years old. I was fascinated from the start about Marjorie Courtenay-Latimer, a young museum curator, who acquired a strange fish which she had an unlikely hunch about. That first "living" (as opposed to fossilised) coelacanth was found in 1938...it took another 14 years for a second specimen to turn up. When you consider that the coelacanth had been presumed extinct for 65 million years 14 years seems nothing but it must've seemed like forever to those at the heart of the tale.

That interminable wait. The accusations that the first specimen was a fraud. The fear that Latimeria Chalumnae might never be seen again... It is a strange yet fascinating story and if you can find a copy of Samantha Weinberg's A Fish Caught In Time I highly recommend it. To write a story that is engaging yet has huge lapses in the pace of the action takes real skill.

The coelacanth in the image above is the less endangered Latimeria Menadoensis (wow, I actually spelled that right on the first attempt!) from Indonesia. It is listed as a vulnerable species. The diver was actually Arnaz Erdmann who was on honeymoon in 1997 when her husband Mark spotted a coelacanth on a barrow in a fish market. Like others who come into contact with the mysterious coelacanth Mark and Arnaz made it their quest to find another specimen. Their wait was fortunately not so long and the second living species was described to science in 1999.

The Indonesian coelacanth, known locally as Rajah Laut, is actually a brown fish, and to me not quite as fascinating as the blue version (artistic impression below) found in the Comoros which is now listed as critically endangered. Because the coelacanth is a deep water fish, known in the Comoros as Gombessa, its vivid blue colouring in life is rarely captured. By the time a fish is brought to the surface it is dying and already losing its colour. All fish are grey in the darkness of the deep...

Edit: In 2014 I combined my two favourite things again - this time Laurence Beveridge of Fearless Vampire Killers, but still a coelacanth ;) And rather than a crappy attempt at image manipulation this is an original painting, acrylic on canvas.

I have painted coelacanths (and Laurence Beveridge many times...but I only attempted to paint Donnie once: