Anti-Bullying Week (UK)

This is an issue very close to my heart as I and my eldest daughter suffered pretty badly through school. To be honest, if you say you haven't been affected by bullying I don't really believe you. Seems like it's a universal problem, but that doesn't mean we should just accept it.

However, I do have a problem with the anti-bullying campaigns. They all call for the victim, or witnesses of bullying, to speak up - like under-reporting is the main issue with tackling the problem. Like they're blaming the victims for not coming forward.

I don't think you should suffer in silence but ultimately there's only one thing I've found that works - get out of the situation.

My daughter has been bullied at two out of four schools she has attended. She has also been home-schooled for a time because the situation became so intollerable. The bullying was reported to the schools - immediately and in full, on each occassion. The results varied slightly but ultimately the result was the same each time - nothing changed.

All of the following happened to us in response to our complaints, some at one school, some at both:-

• That's terrible, we'll deal with it straight away (nothing done)
• We don't have a bullying problem in this school (yes you do, I am reporting it to you that you do!)
• We can't discuss your child's bullying with you because it involves someone else's child (the bully)
• The assault happened off school grounds - we're not interested
• The assault happened on school grounds but after class - we're not interested
• The assault happened in class - but we think your daughter faked her injury / over reacted
• We're not responsible for your child's safety (WTF?!)
• We're not responsible for reporting serious assaults to the police / seeking medical attention for your injured child (also WTF?!)
• My daughter kept in (like detention) through lunchbreak "for her own safety" while the bully and her gang roamed free
• After umpteen incidents involving the same bully being told each incident was treated as an isolated incident because they "couldn't prove a link"
• Being told: you are manipulating your daughter into making false allegations (after months of trouble and on withdrawing my daughter from the school)
• My daughter being kept in the school counsellor's office almost all day on her last day as her head of house (or was it head of year?) tried to force her to withdraw her complaints
• On complaining to the local authority: no response
• On complaining to the secretary for education: two letters which bore no relation to the complaints I had made (one said I should discuss my issues with the school - grrr! - the other just said there was no funding for home-schooling...um, did I ask for money?!)
• On lodging an appeal to get my daughter into another school her ex school made a statement that I'd withdrawn her before they could correct the situation - they had done nothing, for months! I only withdrew her when they missed their own deadline for tackling the problem.

I did everything I could, by the book and got nowhere. They tried to turn it around saying my daughter was oversensitive and it's normal childhood pranks. Being punched on an almost daily basis is not normal. Having rumours put about that you made a false allegation of rape against a boy in your class is not normal. I was told I had unrealistic expectations: I expected my daughter to spend more time in class than the school counsellor's office! How is that unrealistic?!

I am definitely not saying anyone should suffer in silence but what good did reporting it do? My daughter was treated as a troublemaker because she dared to complain. The headmistress refused to speak to me. I was told it was my fault for making waves. And when I tried to take it higher no one cared.

Why spend thousands of pounds on bullying awareness? Everyone's aware of it! Why encourage kids to come forward if nothing is done when they do? Sort out the damn system!

It's not just my own experiences at school or those of my daughter. I see it around me all the time. A friend home-schools her son after he was urinated on by his bully at school. Stories of kids suffering drug addictions, eating disorders, teen drinking, teen pregnancy, teen suicide are in the news all the time. A principal cause in all of these is bullying.

Just two weeks ago a school dinner lady went to tribunal after she was sacked for "bringing the school into disrepute"...by telling parents their child was being bullied! If that's how they treat the staff just imagine how they treat the parents who complain and the children who are victimised.

At the moment, in all the government cutbacks, quangos are being axed left right and centre. But there NEEDS to be some kind of external authority to report these things to. Allowing schools to police themselves DOES NOT WORK. They are supposed to log all incidents of bullying but of course they don't cos it makes them look bad!

Even after almost two years the whole thing makes me furious. My daughter was in daily physical danger. She stopped eating and contemplated suicide. Even the referral to see a counsellor never came to anything...I suspect the referral was never made.

Just before she left that last dreadful school was Anti Bullying Week 2008. My daughter was being put through acting out the scenarios she was living every day in a disgusting parody; being taught to speak up at the same time as she was being ignored!

If I had my time over I don't know exactly what I'd do differently...other than pull her out of that s***hole sooner...because I did what I was supposed to.

The Karma Kwiz

Question 1
There is a strange cylindrical object underneath your desk, is it:-
a) a bin for my rubbish
b) a bin for all sorts of crap like that half drunk cup of manky coffee and rotting fruit
c) I haven't been trained for this - it might be a bin...I chuck my rubbish in its general direction
d) I don't know and I fear it

Question 2
You're on the phone after office hours and the cleaner comes in, do you:-
a) end my call, it's a personal one anyway
b) carry on regardless
c) speak up. It's a confidential call but the cleaner probably doesn't 'speeka de englisch'
d) glare at the cleaner. How dare she interupt me.

Question 3
It's Friday on a Bank Holiday weekend and the bins won't get emptied until Tuesday morning, do you:-
a) take my food scraps home for the compost heap - I do anyway
b) wrap my food scraps before putting them in the bin - I do anyway
c) carry on regardless
d) eat a couple of fruit baskets for lunch and leave it all to moulder in my waste paper basket

Question 4
Under your desk is:-
a) very little
b) a few storage boxes
c) a lot of messy clutter including about fifteen pairs of shoes
d) how would I know? It's scary down there!

Question 5
When I see the cleaner doing her rounds do you:-
a) say "hi" or "bye" or "thanks" or just smile and nod
b) ignore her
c) give her a wary look
d) glare. I get paid more therefore she's below my notice, right?

Question 6
The cleaner is hoovering, working her way around the office. Do you:-
a) make sure you're out of the way by the time she reaches your desk
b) stay put, she can hoover around me, I'm busy
c) empty the hole-punch on the floor so she can hoover that up too
d) contrive to stand in her way as many times as is possible and then act surprised to see her when she says "excuse me please"

YOUR RESULTS
Mostly As - Your karma is excellent
Mostly Bs - Your karma is fine but there's room for improvement
Mostly Cs - Your karma needs work. A lot of work.
Mostly Ds - Your karma is TERRIBLE! Heaven help you...and it's nothing to do with that voodoo doll that looks a lot like you strung up in the cleaning supplies closet. Honest.

Five Brothers and a Million Sisters

I wish I could remember how I heard about the reunion of New Kids On The Block...

I was a technophobe for the longest time and a few years ago (2006-ish?) I finally took the plunge and went on a course called "Computers for the Curious and Terrified"...practically the first thing I did on learning how to look stuff up on the internet was to search "Donnie Wahlberg".

According to my kids I had never even mentioned NKOTB. I can't believe that's true but I had put it away, not followed the guys' solo careers. When they split up it was painful, and I was having some major issues of my own (see previous blog) - it was easier to leave it behind.

Anyhoo...sometime in 2008 I was presumably looking him up again to see how he was doing when I stumbled across the news about the reunion. I confess I wasn't that excited. Well, maybe "in denial" is more accurate.

I was like "Oh, that's nice. I hope it goes well," and "I'll probably buy the album, just for old times' sake."

I did not analyse my motivation too closely the night I played Summertime for the first time. I didn't have broadband in those days and I heard it in 4 second fragments and the whole song took the best part of an hour.

September 1st 2008 was the day it changed. I got up, put on the TV to a music video channel and squealed like I was 13 again! The kids came running "Mum! What's wrong?" they cried. All I could do was point at the TV and babble incoherently. I've been fairly incoherrent ever since...

An hour later I'd ordered the single, album and greatest hits CDs online. Three days later, driven half loopy by the wait I went into the local record store and got the single and a (different) compilation CD. I was in for a bit of a shock. The first track was one of my all-time favourites 'Cover Girl' but it was all wrong. Nearly 2 years on I still haven't found out where the "Video Version" comes from cos it's not on Hangin' Tough Live or the album or the single (7" or 12"). I know because I bought them all to double check! Answers in a tweet to @Heggie31 if you know...

So since then I've got broadband so I can watch New Kids videos on YouTube; signed up with iTunes to complete by back catalogue on MP3; got myself a PayPal account to watch the webcast last summer; learned to use ebay (oh dear) to replace what I can of my memorabilia collection (actually i have more stuff now than I did in my teens); learned to Tweet so I could get that all-imprortant Donnie Wahlberg follow (#686)...it's been an amazing ride and I wouldn't have missed a minute of it.

The friendships I have made, the wonderful people I have got to talk to all over the world - all because of New Kids. It has been a thoroughly enriching experience (and long may it continue). I am not reliving my youth. My youth was crap! This is so much better.

And the highlight of it all? 25th January 2009 - Hammersmith Apollo, London.

That I got to see New Kids again: Dream come true
That I got to see them in a theatre, like on Hangin' Tough Live, not some big ass arena: Dream come true
Fifth row balcony seats: OMG OMG OMG
NKOTB coming up to the balcony for 'Tonight': OMG OMG OMG!!!
Them coming past and reaching out to touch Donnie: How I didn't pass out on the spot I'll never know...
Getting my moment immortalised on the Coming Home DVD: *incoherent sounds of ecstasy*


Maybe I should be sad - because surely it can't get any better than this...but knowing New Kids it just might so I'm Hangin' Tough and I'll Be There until it's Officially Over. And even then...I'm a Blockhead for life, I won't be leaving my love for those five boys from Boston behind again.

I Hate Summertime

I'll be happy to get to mid August and not just because I'll be on holiday...I really hate this time of year and, being exceptionally slow on the uptake, I've finally figured out why:
Between mid June to mid August my life has a history of falling apart.

1994
I was 16 years old...NKOTB split up, I found out I was pregnant, parents kicked me out and I spent some time in hostels for the homeless, he walked away saying he didn't want to "influence my decision" and left me to the mercy (ha!) of my parents. As I don't have a 15 year old you can guess how that worked out... By mid August I had taken him back...because I am exceptionally stupid

1995
Same guy, same time of year, much the same story only this time I DO have a 14 year old to show for it...
I'll also mention that I'd had an early miscarriage in the January - I was stupid but in my defence my head was seriously screwed up by this point.

1996
It was in mid June that I took THE SAME GUY back AGAIN. I did say I was REALLY STUPID, right?!?!

1998
The same guy had been in prison for a year, he came home to me and left 5 weeks later and yup, pregnant again. That's four pregnancies before I was 21 and all with the same useless bloke. There aren't words for just how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly stupid I was.
It was in July that I last saw him. He let me down when I was rushed into hospital for emergency surgery - torsion of a volleyball-sized ovarian cyst at 15 weeks along is not fun and the [bleep] wouldn't even bring me a nightie! Luckily I made it and I have an 11 year old. Sometimes the way she acts suggests she wasn't worth the trouble mind you

2007
After a stretch of quiet summers I found a lump in my abdomen as I was leaving for a holiday in Croatia. History was repeating with another big ol' ovarian cyst. After being rescheduled I finally had surgery on July 26th - the day before my 1st baby's anniversary
All went well but back on the ward a nurse commented that both tumours had been successfully removed. What do you mean BOTH?! I had been under the impression there was one cyst on the same, previously damaged ovary. Somehow they'd forgotten to tell me there were two, one on each and in fact the bigger one (at 6 inches by 4) was on the other ovary so both were now badly damaged.
I totally freaked. Threw a big ol' hissy fit too when they said my oxygen sats were too low. "Of course they're low, you morons!" I screeched between heaving sobs, "Can't you see I'm crying my heart out?!"
All my hopes for one day meeting a half-way decent guy and having a baby the traditional way - i.e. not on my bleedin' own - went out of the window. I'm still menstruating on borrowed time but there's not much hope. As there's not much hope of finding a man either I suppose it shouldn't bother me... In all honesty I'm no fan of babies, it's just the disappointment of knowing that experience is not something I'm ever going to have.
Whilst I was in hospital my front door "broke" - the locking mechanism gave up and the whole thing had to be replaced. The day I got home the new boiler sprang a leak. A week or so later, my tumble drier spontaneously combusted and my mother and I carried it, still smoking, up the garden when I still wasn't supposed to be lifting anything heavier than a kettle

Nope. I really don't like this time of year.
In memory of Jake Reece ~ I think about you in the Summertime...

Eliminate Inequality!

There is a lot of discussion in Britain about banning the Burka at the present, following bans in Belgium and France. I am fully in favour of a ban on the Burka - not because I am racist or feminist but because it is FUNDAMENTALLY UNFAIR.

I have heard a Burka ban described as prejudiced, un-British or infringing on personal freedom of choice - this is not true for one very simple reason: every other person in this country HAS to show their face.

A ban on Burkas would simply close a loophole in British law. Why should a Muslim woman be exempted from breaking existing laws? Anyone else walking around a public place with their face concealed could be challenged and possibly arrested! The police have the power to seize masks and garments used for concealment. Yet, on the grounds of religion, these women are given a freedom denied to every other citizen. If that is not racist, and indeed sexist as this exemption only applies to women, I don't know what is!

No other member of our society can conceal their face and that is inequality. I do not approve of the Burka - I think it is inappropriate and a potential factor in supressing women. However, if I lived in a country where wearing one was required by law I would abide by that. The law of this land is that no one should have their face hidden from sight without ample cause. Islam is not ample cause, because wearing the Burka is not a requirement of the faith but a matter of personal choice.

A British Airways employee was sacked not so long ago for wearing a non-regulation Christian cross to work. She appealed and lost. She did not have the right to express her faith in the manner she chose because it was a matter of personal choice.

I am irritated that in all the discussions I have heard on the news no one has brought up this simple point. I have heard anti-Burka ban politicians spouting about how there should never be a law saying what we can or can't wear but the point is THERE ALREADY ARE! I cannot walk about in public naked (as if I'd want to!) or disguised or concealed.

If I wear a mask I would be challenged. If I wear a hooded top into a shop I can be kicked out as such garments conceal a face from security cameras - I heard of a toddler being banned from a shopping centre because he was in a hoodie! I cannot choose to hide my face...so why should anyone else regardless of race, religion or gender?

If the Burka is not banned the law ought to be changed to allow everyone the choice to conceal their face in a public place - but can you imagine if anyone and everyone could wear a Burka-like garment?! Security cameras would be rendered obsolete and crime would soar!

Police Officer: Can you describe the person who mugged you?

Victim: Not really...

Police Officer: Height?

Victim: Medium-ish...

Police Officer: Male or female?

Victim: No idea...

Police Officer: Ethnicity?

Victim: No idea...

Police Officer: Well, what were they wearing?!

Victim: Ah, you see officer - they were dressed as Mickey Mouse...

I used to be terrified of people in costumes like that when I was a kid. There was actually an acid attack case some years ago, loads of people saw the perpetrator but I don't think he was ever identified...he was dressed as a clown at the time.

People are supposed to be identifiable for a reason and no one should be exempted. One law for all please!

[Edit: This is badly phrased and I apologise. I have always understood the importance of cultural exemptions but the burka is a choice not a cultural marker - some Islamic women choose to wear them, others do not. There is no consensus. This is not anything like the Sikh Kirpan (knife) which is on obligatory article of faith although many Sikhs use a symbolic Kirpan rather than a 'real' (functional) blade or choose to forgo it in order to avoid frightening the ignorant. Fairly sure that if a Sikh used a Kirpan to threaten or harm someone the cultural exemption would be negated.]

Mi Familia

I don't suppose anyone is remotely interested but as I've mentioned my sort-of-step-dad a few times on Twitter lately I felt I should clarify the situation for future reference.

First to explain my parents - they are two of the most screwed up individuals I have ever met. They were screwed up before they met and succeeded in making each other worse. They are difficult enough people individually but together...let's just say my childhood was decidedly odd.

My mother got pregnant with me...this presumably seemed like a good idea at the time but backfired on her spectacularly. Just like me, my mother wouldn't recognise a maternal instinct if it jumped up and bit her on the bum - like millions of other women throughout history she thought she could win my dad's affection this way. My dad (who I also call Pogsy for no adequate reason) never got over his resentment of this; my mum never got over the disappointment and I got well and truly screwed up being caught in the middle.

Strangely, my parents actually got on quite well for people who despised each other. This only served to confuse me even more! They developed a kind of friendship from being stuck with each other.

My parents split up when I was about 25. I was rather disappointed they couldn't have done it 20 years earlier...or better yet, before my conception therefore avoiding a lot of trouble.

My dad is still single - he will fall for married women... My mum has had a few boyfriends and for several years now has been with Neville bringing us back to the sort-of-step-dad issue.

My mother has no interest in getting married again (my mum and dad never married but she had been married before) or even co-habitting again. Admittedly she spends an awful lot of time at Neville's but I think she's happier knowing she has her own place to go back to if they start getting on each others nerves. So Neville is not legally my step dad or in a common-law kind of way either. However, he's a great guy and definitely part of the family so far as I'm concerned. Even my mum had a Freudian slip recently where she referred to both in an anecdote; calling Neville as my dad and my dad by his Christian name.

Years ago I told my mum that my dream boyfriend would be a long-distance lorry driver. Someone I could enjoy being with but wouldn't be under my feet all the time. But it was my mum who got the lorry driver in the end! Well, technically it's a white van and he's semi-retired but who's being pedantic?!

When they first got together Neville was travelling all over Europe couriering (sp?) stuff around. It wasn't long before my mother was tagging along. My mother who had insisted she was only going to stay in comfortable hotels in future CHOSE to camp in the back of a delivery van...nuts!

Often it was just random boxes of documents or supplies for pharmaceutical companies but sometimes it was working for popstars... One day my mum rang to say they were doing a job for "a group you'll never have heard of...Violent Femmes" I rather put her out because I had heard of them! She never once managed to catch me out: Morcheeba, Chicane, Hot Chip, Tori Amos... That seemed to bug her somehow. You'd think she'd actually have been pleased...

Anyway, in late 2008 I started harbouring a secret fantasy...that Neville would get a job for the European leg of New Kids On The Block's tour and let me tag along instead of my mum! It wasn't to be. The company he drove for went bust ahead of time. Never mind...

Neville with Smokey Robinson

Keep Out Of Reach Of Children

Six little words, so often noticed on everyday household items yet so rarely understood, let alone heeded.

So many people foolishly think the warning refers to the item on which the words appear - that the batteries, lighters or whatever are to be kept away from children. Wrong!!! After all many things are dangerous to children but do not carry such a warning. For example - a bottle of vodka would be hazardous in the hands (or stomach) of a child but it it is more likely a harrassed parent, driven to the edge of sanity, will be the one reaching for the bottle. For a parent to see that warning all too painfully late might be the last straw which sends them in a swan-dive off the nearest multi-storey car-park. Therefore no "keep out of reach of children" message appears on the label of the vodka bottle.

The words are, in fact, a warning to the reader to keep at a safe distance from children. Children are dangerous to your mental and physical wellbeing; they drain your resources and destroy your property.

Men take this well-meant advice far more than women. A man at the first hint of a child will often flee - literally! A woman tends to go all sappy and often doesn't realise the error of her ways until the child is a teenager...by which time the woman's hair has prematurely greyed from stress.

I can't stand children. Never could, even when I was one! How I ended up with two of the little blighters I am still not entirely sure about. "Hormones" had a lot to do with it, and a persuasive ex who subsequently fled in the best time-honoured tradition.

There are no maternal-instincts in my family. My own existence is similarly a confusion to my own mother - and she has had over 32 years to ponder the question. Perhaps instead of maternal-instincts in our genes we have a kind of hereditary insanity that causes us to have children despite despising the little beasts?

Thankfully my little monsters are not so little now; in fact I am well past the halfway stage! I hope and pray that by the time I turn 40 they will have flown the nest and I will be in peace at last...although the way things are going that peace might be more of the "eternal rest" variety... A friend of mine has rug-rat commitments until the age of 52. Rather her than me!

Can you tell I have been having some trials and tribulations with my offspring? Stealing, lies, fighting, cheating, betrayal of trust...and that's just the last 24 hours! Some days I really wonder how come I have managed to not kill them...

A Fish For Friday

I created this pic the other day as a joke inspired by one of my friends on Twitter - combining two of my favourite things: Donnie Wahlberg, of New Kids On The Block, and Coelacanths.

I dare say I'll blog plenty in due course about my NKOTB issues but tonight I'll talk about the darling fishies.

I first came across the coelacanth story when I was about 7 years old. I was fascinated from the start about Marjorie Courtenay-Latimer, a young museum curator, who acquired a strange fish which she had an unlikely hunch about. That first "living" (as opposed to fossilised) coelacanth was found in 1938...it took another 14 years for a second specimen to turn up. When you consider that the coelacanth had been presumed extinct for 65 million years 14 years seems nothing but it must've seemed like forever to those at the heart of the tale.

That interminable wait. The accusations that the first specimen was a fraud. The fear that Latimeria Chalumnae might never be seen again... It is a strange yet fascinating story and if you can find a copy of Samantha Weinberg's A Fish Caught In Time I highly recommend it. To write a story that is engaging yet has huge lapses in the pace of the action takes real skill.

The coelacanth in the image above is the less endangered Latimeria Menadoensis (wow, I actually spelled that right on the first attempt!) from Indonesia. It is listed as a vulnerable species. The diver was actually Arnaz Erdmann who was on honeymoon in 1997 when her husband Mark spotted a coelacanth on a barrow in a fish market. Like others who come into contact with the mysterious coelacanth Mark and Arnaz made it their quest to find another specimen. Their wait was fortunately not so long and the second living species was described to science in 1999.

The Indonesian coelacanth, known locally as Rajah Laut, is actually a brown fish, and to me not quite as fascinating as the blue version (artistic impression below) found in the Comoros which is now listed as critically endangered. Because the coelacanth is a deep water fish, known in the Comoros as Gombessa, its vivid blue colouring in life is rarely captured. By the time a fish is brought to the surface it is dying and already losing its colour. All fish are grey in the darkness of the deep...

Edit: In 2014 I combined my two favourite things again - this time Laurence Beveridge of Fearless Vampire Killers, but still a coelacanth ;) And rather than a crappy attempt at image manipulation this is an original painting, acrylic on canvas.

I have painted coelacanths (and Laurence Beveridge many times...but I only attempted to paint Donnie once:

Long Hot Summer

I'm a strange duck I know but I'm dreading the possibility of a scorcher. I've never much liked the heat; especially since I was caught in an Indian heatwave back when I was 11. February was supposed to be one of the coolest months of the year and we got 108 in the shade!

India, 1990

On top of that I burn badly; pasty, non-sparkling vampire that I am. In Venezuela a couple of years later I burned so badly I blistered and had to spend about a week stuck in a hotel room.

But apart from the usual dislike of warm weather this year poses an extra challenge. At the grand old age of 32 it will be my first working summer.

When I left school I got a job in the Prison Service as an Admin Assistant. It was only a temporary position running from November until the end of the financial year - at which point my job was getting phased out anyway. After that I was a full-time mum for near enough 15 years.

I couldn't work when I was pregnant because of a condition called Hyperemesis Gravidarum - excessive morning sickness - I could barely go anywhere or do anything almost the whole way through. When my eldest was born in 1996 there really was no option but to go on the dole unless you had a high-paid job and could afford childcare...or else you had family to take up the slack. Neither applied in my case so I fell into the benefit trap.

Earlier this year after six months of searching but only getting two interviews I finally got a job. Not my dream job but there weren't many options. Going back into admin proved impossible without current experience, references and buckets of confidence (which after a decade and a half trapped at home I was severely lacking) so I became a cleaner.

To work the requisite number of hours to qualify for the variety of top-up benefits my family would need for survival I had to take two cleaning jobs; at opposite ends of the day. My jobs run 0545-0745 and 1700-1900 most days. Getting up at 0430 and, being a night owl I'm rarely asleep before 0100. Fortuunately I grab what sleep I can in the daytime. Even at weekends a full night's sleep is rarer now that when I had a newborn in the house because my body-clock is so messed up!

It has been a physical struggle. For a woman my considerable weight I have always been active if not actually fit - but walking 8km just to and from work every day has been agony. Four hours physical activity on top of that and I live in a permanent state of near-exhaustion.

I don't mean to complain - so many people need jobs desperately now and I know I'm lucky but it's hard adjusting. A lot of my co-workers are younger, slimmer and many have cars. Listening to one teenager b**** about her car being in for repairs so she had to walk was almost beyond my endurance! That said, one of my co-workers is 75 and I have no idea how she does it...

So I've been at this for over three months now. The aches and pains are easing but I'm not losing weight unfortunately. Leaving the house at 5am is far, far easier now it's daylight. But, as I said to begin with, I am dreading a long, hot summer.

Already I'm catching the sun on the walk to work and sweltering in the heat. I fear passing out of heat exhaustion and losing my job. I know that I shouldn't worry about things I cannot change but it's hard knowing there is nothing I can do.

Last winter we had the coldest snap for 30 or more years but that eventuality can be tackled. I can carry a change of clothes against the rain and snow, I can buy thermal undies and a thermos flask for a hot drink.

There is nothing I can do to help with the heat. I have invested in a patio set and a barbecue to 'tempt fate' but still the mercury climbs...wish me luck!

MJ Anniversary

Okay, okay I know...hardly original today but there it is! Gotta say I was never a Michael Jackson fan. I got into music after his solo heyday and it wasn't the sort of music my parents played either (they were into Queen, The Carpenters and Rod Stewart). I did buy one MJ single - Give In To Me - but pretty much only cos Slash was on it and I loved Guns n Roses.

The Jordan Chandler allegations seemed to me borne out of greed. What parent agrees to a cash settlement when their child has been harmed and other kids are in danger?

When the Martin Bashir interview came out I watched with as open a mind as I could muster but it confirmed to me my every suspicion - that MJ was vulnerable, gullible and most likely innocent. Martin Bashir came across (to me) as prejudiced and detirmined to portray MJ as a monster. I became more sympathetic to Michael's difficulties from that point on.

Later, when MJ was accused of child molestation for a second time, rather than thinking "there's no smoke without fire" I felt sure it was a second family's attempt to extort money from the star. I was probably as relieved as any MJ fan when he was found not guilty on all charges. I wept tears of joy because the whole thing stunk of a witch trial - the public seems to like nothing better than to put someone on a pedestal only to knock them off it - I thought there was no way he would receive a fair trial. As it was, trial by media nearly killed MJ - he was thin, gaunt and I believe he never truly recovered from the ordeal.

I wasn't bothered when MJ announced his This Is It final shows at the o2. It meant nothing to me but I was surprised by the media hype. For someone who hadn't had a hit in years and had only been in the headlines for all the wrong reasons it came as a surprise to me how many fans he still had; fans who would be prepared to pay a small fortune and, in many cases, fly to London for a concert.

Late evening on 25th June 2009 I was lurking on Twitter. Lots of random conversations going on with a general NKOTB flavour...then a girl I follow retweets a news headline: Michael Jackson suffers cardiac arrest. Within minutes there is only one topic of conversation - we are all Googling MJ, searching news websites for scraps of information, researching statistics on cardiac arrest - if the story is true it doesn't look good.

But is it true? Michael Jackson has been surrounded with random stories, particularly about his health, for years. Only a few weeks earlier a rumour was going around that he had skin cancer...

Sadly it does look like MJ has been rushed to hospital...all the same, the reason might be wrong. A lot of suspected heart attacks turn out to be far less serious...

Then come the first reports he has died...

That's the moment it goes from a sense of anxiety to OMFG. Not the sort of thing you report without being certain of your facts. I turned on the TV... Flicking between BBC News and Sky News and back and forth to check on Twitter it all unfolded. Site by site was confirming the death of Michael Jackson, the King of Pop, at the age of 50. I wept.

I wonder how MJ would have felt that even his death made history - the first news story when most people heard about it first via the internet. For a man who achieved so much I like to think he'd have been impressed at achieving another first, and kind of glad to go out with a bang rather than a whimper.

Mind you, he would never have wanted to go before his children grew up. I can't imagine a worse moment for him to have died either, just weeks before This Is It was set to kick off. Knowing how excited I was to see NKOTB after 17 years I can only begin to imagine how I would have felt if my concert had been cancelled. This Is It ticket holders did not have a concert cancelled - their idol died...they must've gone through hell. I can't imagine losing one of NKOTB. The only things that are certain in life are death and taxes...inevitability doesn't make either one easier to bear.

He was a damaged soul - an abnormal life from early childhood took it's toll as did the media's later vilification. In some ways I am glad he is beyond being harmed by them anymore. His so-called friends too. I remain disgusted that Mark Lester would claim to be the biological father of MJs children. Even if it were a genuine possibility the media is not the place to discuss it. What on earth do claims like that do to the mind of a bereaved child?!

I hope Michael knew how much he was loved - it is always a pity when someone dies that they cannot see how much they are missed.

• Michael Jackson left 3 children - Prince (now 13), Paris (12) and Blanket (7).
• Omer Bhatti (25) is a possible 4th child; he sat with the family at MJs funeral.

Hello world...welcome to The Heggie Zone - world of weirdness and general rambling!

This pic is of my elder daughter Erin, then aged 6 months, with my grandmother Winifred, then aged 91. I've been thinking of this photo a lot lately...getting retrospective. My grandma died 24th December 2000 so she's been gone a while. Erin is 14 now...she's getting scarily grown up and is significantly taller than me...not my 'little' baby for a long time now. Not that she ever was particularly little, weighing in at 9lbs 11!

I'm starting to look back on the past with a new eyes... I look back on my kids' younger days and wish I hadn't been so tired, stressed, young and generally barely able to cope. I look back on my relationship with my grandparents and wish I had been mature enough to get to know them...and less afraid. There's something quite scary about old people when you are young I think. A fragility that seems at odds with youth's understanding of life.

There is nothing that can bring back bygone days; to take hold of missed opportunities but I look at this photo and think how I'm going to try not to miss any more.

I will though... We cannot see what might have been, what we ought to have done until the moment has passed. Which is why history is important and why hindsight sucks! All we can ever do is live in the moment and do what we can. So I look at this photo and think - I'm glad my grandma is at peace and I'm glad my daughter has grown up strong and healthy and then I move on. Back in the present, back to what is really important.

:-)