A copy of my letter...

Dear Laurence,

Obviously you've been going through some very dark and monochrome times lately but hang tight (or, in reference to my matinee show 'outfit', hang tough) and trust that light and colour will come back into your life, even if not all-at-once, Wizard Of Oz style.

I don't know if the copy of one of my all time favourite films - Marilyn Hotchkiss' Ballroom Dancing And Charm School - which I dropped off at CotD ever made it to you. Or, if it did, whether you ever found time to watch it. So, trying not to give too much away because I really do recommend it...Frank Keane, a struggling widower, ends up attending dance classes where the teacher tells him:-

"Dance is a very powerful drug Mr Keane. If embraced judiciously it can exorcise demons, access deep-seated emotions and color your life in joyous shades of brilliant magenta that you never knew existed."

Of course, you can colour your life in joyous shades of brilliant magenta (or stunning chartreuse or gentle cerulean blue...) in many other ways than through dance. Follow your heart. Do what you love. Create. Be happy.

Anyway, the point of all this wafflage was to explain the reason for my costume tonight [30 Oct 2016] - Rocky Horror's Magenta, for all I'm not going to be colouring anyone's life. Well, all the aforementioned stuff and also wanting to have all my FVK ink* on display!

Thank you SO much for writing out the Latin for me by the way - I love them to bits for all my tatdoodlist and I messed up on the alignment...won't be so noticeable as I get more bits and pieces, plenty of room to represent the next chapter!

I know FVK hasn't ended up being everything you'd hoped but it has been a band that has changed and saved lives [my own included]. A whole lot of us will be taking that forward in music and art and fan-fic, in our hearts and under our skin, for the rest of our lives - and that is an incredible achievement. I have total faith in you and I am certain that the best is yet to come. For what it's worth you have my love and support - always.

Heggie xxx

*Red fangs, left wrist
Green CFTD lyrics (Latin), left upper arm
Red CFTD lyrics (Latin), right upper arm
Blue FFTF lyrics (Ancient Greek), right thigh
Teal heliskull, right thigh
Purple "Always Forgive" (my only tattoo in English so far), left ankle

Veganism, Heggie-style

I don't have a specific date because these things tend to happen gradually but... I have been vegan for about a year now. I know next to no one will read this cos "OMG NOT ANOTHER PREACHY VEGAN?!?!!" but I wanted to write about some of my thoughts and experiences.

#1 Why????
In 2012 I got a hint that my YEARS of ill health could be due to lactose intolerance (not the IBS several GPs had asserted) so I immediately started cutting out dairy. Amazingly it worked and I started getting better but I soon realised my system couldn't tolerate any dairy at all and my will power is rubbish so I still wasn't properly well.
This got worse when I went back vegetarian in 2013 - not for ethical reasons, just totally fed up with and grossed out by meat. I quickly discovered that just about every vegetarian option whether at a sandwich counter or a restaurant - involved cheese. For a long while I just accepted this as unfortunate but eventually, wanting to get properly well and decided I had to cut it entirely. My mum similarly can't tolerate eggs so the sensible thing seemed to be to presume veganism was my future so I'd best just get on with it.
So yes, my choice is more about my health than animal welfare but you don't have to be overly fond of cows to see that there's a lot of animal cruelty in the world so doing my bit for that is a bonus.

#2 Why are vegans so damn preachy?
Because it's good and we'd like you to share? Now obviously you can eat many types of vegan diet - you can have all mock-meat burgers and fries or a fully raw health-freak diet or anywhere in between - but over all eating plant-based is likely to leave you feeling good

• Better for the environment
• Better for animals
• Good for your health

I wasn't 'ill' from being morbidly obese back in 2012 and losing weight hasn't made much impact on the state of my overall 'wellness' BUT giving up meat and animal products HAS made me feel better, and yes, there is a nice little self-righteous glow of knowing I'm doing my bit for animals and the planet. So that's why we like to share.

#3 Why do vegans get a bad reputation?
Cos we can be a tad too enthusiastic, as above.
We also get very pissed off by people putting animal products where they have no business being and about poor labeling and about Costa coffee shops where not one of the three members of staff on duty even knows what 'vegan' means!!! Seriously, it should NOT be so hard so yes, sometimes we get vocal about it cos others deliberately make our lives more difficult than need be.
We also get a LOT of flak from meat eaters (carnists) who love to belittle us, hate on us and be generally shitty because somehow us eating vegetables offends their 'right' to torture animals in order to eat their flesh. Yes, vegans like to point out to carnists the holes in their thinking, such as:

• "I am not an animal" - really, are you a mineral or vegetable???
• "Humans are designed to eat meat" - wrong
• "Humans have to eat meat" - wronger
• "You can't be healthy and vegan" - wrongest
• "Animals are put here for us to use" - people use to say the same about black people and women...yeah, you can shut up with that.

The important thing is MOST vegans only make such comments when carnists start on us for sharing our views or whatever. Like, I am not forcing my opinion on you by posting a photo of my lovely vegan dinner but if you want to make an issue of it I will argue my point.
Also there are some really vocal psycho vegans out there giving the whole lot of us a bad name. Thinking about going vegan? Don't look at YouTube cos 99.9% of those vegans are crazier than the nuts they eat.

The REALLY big thing with YouTube is going to be my final point:

#4 How to be vegan
Now it seems like everyone and their vegan-fed dog has an opinion on this one and some are especially vile about it. The vegan-on-vegan hate out there is astounding.
Being a dietary vegan is, on the face of it, pretty basic - don't eat animal products. But while passing on the cheeseburger and milkshake combo the issue is, as I hinted above, a whole lot more convoluted.
It means reading every damn label and knowing exactly what is an animal product. Some vitamins are derived from animal sources, some alcohol is made with fish or milk...it can be a real minefield if you want to do it 'properly' but, just for the record, I'm going to say that 99% vegan is just fine. So long as you're minimising animal suffering and doing whatever you can it's all good. That includes vegetarians, demi vegitarians, meat-free Monday enthusiasts...hating on people cos they forgot to check every last item in their shopping cart is not okay.
The same goes for the non-dietary aspects such as cosmetics, toiletries and medicines. Obviously some of these things are easier to avoid than others. Because I'm lactose intolerant I try my best to find painkillers and so forth where lactose is not the bulking agent which is, sadly, very common, I am less fussy about avoiding shellac coatings. So far stuff that I do not physically consume is lower on my list of priorities but I do make some effort at least. I am on a low income and I have issues of whether I can afford the super vegan eco friendly alternative at 15 times the cost. Similarly if your essential medications are animal based or only available in gelatine capsules I'm not going to tell you to eschew them - cos that's insane.

Veganism is a way of living which seeks to exclude, 

as far as is possible and practicable, all forms of exploitation of, 

and cruelty to, animals for food, clothing or any other purpose

Possible and practicable. Very important distinction there.

That brings me to my cat. Some people try to feed cats an all vegan or mostly vegan diet. Cats are OBLIGATE CARNIVORES. Humans do not need meat, cats do. TBH dogs don't need meat but I'd feel decidedly iffy about feeding a dog an all vegan diet - maybe a mix of vegan and meat to salve my conscience but to me making a dog vegan is kind of mean. Like if I was a mum over again now I'd probably want my kids to be vegan too but if they ate pizza and ice cream at a friend's party that'd be their choice. Dogs don't get a choice so forcing them seems somewhat doubtful on a moral scale. So no, I don't have any problem buying meat for my cat.

Also, I personally have recently bought two pairs of leather Doc Marten boots and my mum has bought two leather chairs for my new house...all are second hand. That's not supporting the leather industry. That's not supporting animal cruelty. To me that's bog-standard recycling.

At the end of the day - if you want to be vegan, be the vegan it is right for you to be. don't accept hate cos you're doing it a little differently. Don't hate on others cos they're not living up to your standards. To be honest, if someone calls them self a vegan yet eats the occasional chicken burger it's not on you to criticise their hypocrisy either, although I can certainly see why you would...

The most important thing is to be a HEALTHY vegan. Good dietary advice is sadly lacking and healthcare professionals are all too often brainwashed carnists who believe meat and dairy are essential. They're not. Unfortunately too many people fall victim to faddy over-restrictive variants of veganism extolled by people who know nothing about nutrition or health...so do the reading and do it your way!!!

Abusive Relationships

I have seen an awful lot about this Suicide Squad movie (not that I could care less) and about the relationship between The Joker and Harley Quinn. Specifically comments of the "stop idealising abusive relationships" variety.

Now, I know next to nothing about The Joker and Harley, although my daughter assures me she's a depraved psychopath rather than some meek victim of domestic abuse. So I'm not going to comment about that directly.

Here is what I want to say:

Stop representing abusive relationships as entirely meek women being controlled by violent men

• Not all domestic abuse victims are women; men are vicims too
• Not all domestic abuse situations are abuser-victim; abusive relationships can be two-way
• Not all domestic abuse victims are desperately seeking a way out; why do you think people stay with their abusers? BECAUSE THEY LOVE THEM (love is not rational)
• Not all domestic abuse victims are meek, weak, pitiful or unintelligent. This can happen to ANYONE, EVERYONE. This stereotype is especially unhelpful as it means 'unlikely looking' domestic abuse victims get little or no support - you're a headteacher, a company CEO, a bodybuilder, a politician, a police chief, a brain surgeon, a rocket schientist, a marathon runner...strong, successful, smart...so how can you be a victim? 

If Harley is an intelligent, powerful woman it doesn't diminish her ability to be a victim but it does bring me on to my next point. If she's an intelligent, powerful woman perhaps she is in that relationship by her own choice? People don't always do what is best for themselves. Plenty of smart, successful types who smoke, drink to excess, get obese, do no exercise, gamble, do drugs etc etc.

Stop disempowering people in abusive relationships by making assumptions about them and what is best for them

• This is not you life; yes, you are probably right but that doesn't matter - you being judgmental makes them less empowered toward change
• Telling someone they're fat doesn't make them go on a diet, why do you think that criticising their relationship will make them leave? How do you think that criticism will make someone stronger? Stop chipping away at their possibly limited self esteem!!!

EMPOWER domestic abuse victims. I befriended someone while they were living in a refuge and one of the hardest things I have ever done was to decide, instantly, how to react to their phone call telling me they'd gone back to their abuser. In a split second I had to make a choice...I chose empowerment. It's your life, your choice, you have the right, you have that power, if you need anything call me. That was over a decade ago and I still wonder... But I stand by my words. I may possibly have been the only voice of empowerment in their life as friends, family and abuser told them that they were useless, worthless, unimportant. No way in hell was I gonna add to those voices of negativity. If I could plant just one seed that might ever help them try to leave again someday...well, that was what I was going to do.

So yeah, that's what's annoying me about all this Suicide Squad hype. (Again emphasising that I know next to nothing of the film, comics or characters) Stop disempowering Harley, quit assuming you know what's best for her. If she wants to leave her abusive relationship support her in that, if she chooses to stay accept that she's her own person and has the right to mess up her life any which way she chooses! 

ALSO IT'S A FUCKING FILM! Ever heard of FICTION?! Get a grip, people.

Kierless Vampire Killers at ShieldFest

17 July 2016

Bridgend, Wales

A Few Months Before

I'd contemplated going to ShieldFest (in Swansea) in 2015 but financial restraints meant I ended opting for Macmillan Fest (in Nottingham) a few months later. As it happened this was a truly blessed decision for me. Nottingham was great but a cancer charity festival was where I needed to be the day after I heard my cousin's prognosis had gone from bad to worse. He died on April 21st this year - exactly a year after I first learned his diagnosis.

So when ShieldFest 2016 was announced with FVK headlining I was keen to go this time. A friend of mine, M, is at uni in Swansea and I didn't know if she was going to be there over the summer or not. I asked if she was interested, she was, and I booked us a twin room in Bridgend for the convenience. As it turned out she wasn't going to be in Wales over the summer anyway so the room was definitely a good move.

4 July 2016

FVK did the thing (see previous blog entry). ShieldFest was quickly announced as the ONLY remaining show they would be playing, cancelling all other appearances. Naturally Lost Hearts who'd opted for other shows like Reading, Leeds, Truck Fest or Butserfest wanted to get to South Wales instead. I chased up M (who'd been avoiding me) and she confirmed she wasn't going...in fact she hasn't spoken to me since. No idea why - possibly the way I tore apart a particularly idiotic article (which blamed women who act with caution / use self defense for other women being raped - sorry, but it was VILE) she'd reposted on FB.

Anyway, I now had a spare bed I offered up and was accepted. I was also able to offer another couple a room for the night of the 16th so they could travel up for the show. Nice to be of use to someone for a change :)

I looked forward to the gig (my 19th) with some trepidation...they'd announced the show would be sans Kier Kemp but I had no doubts they'd do just fine without him. no, what worried me was that it'd be sad. That it'd end up being a sob-fest and depressing. That 'Kierless Vampire Killers' would take it as an ending, not a bright new beginning.

I decided to wear the outfit I'd planned for Reading which had been intended for outdoors and being seen at a distance...very anti goth. Boy, was I gonna stand out like the middle-aged idiot I am!

17 July 2016

No idea what was going on cos the first train was uncommonly packed for a Sunday, I was on the edge of a panic attack by the time I got to Bristol Parkway. It was the same again on the way home - really horrible conditions and so hot!

Got into Bridgend a bit early for the hotel check in and while we were lurking outside Drew came by and it was hugs all round - there are good and valid reasons I love these guys so much. Booked in, showered, got changed and then spent entirely too long getting up the nerve to go out in my extremely silly outfit so that I missed the first two bands.

• Clear The Auditorium - The only other band on the bill that I'd seen before...and their last show as a band too :'(
• Far From History - far from being my thing, soz
• Veridian - ditto
• All To Ruin - these guys were great, very much enjoyed their set
• Junior - I was flagging a bit by this point so I didn't really get into them
• More Than Most - heard great things about this band so I watched with interest and they were indeed pretty good

I'd heard At War With The Thirst was going to make a reappearance on the set list but it was still a helluva surprise to hear them open with it as it's always been a closing track (in my experience anyway)...anyway it was best not to play it last what with the "go home / go away" refrain...it was also a bit of a surprise to hear Laurence sing lead on Kier songs but it went down really well. I screamed entirely too loudly when they announced Fetish For The Finite - most unseemly - but I am always thrilled to hear that one.

Drew's set list

As anticipated the show was an absolute belter. Emotions were running high but I think on the whole we held it together pretty well. They finished on 'Could We Burn, Darling?' which was brilliant. Laurence announced his intention to go into the audience:

Drew: That's a bit risky

Laurence: Risky? What they gonna to me?

Drew: Maul ya.

- everyone was waving 'thank you' signs, there was confetti and bubble guns...it was really magical.

My thank you sign - with various releases in the letters

I had painted a thank you sign to match the effort I did for a fan lyric video. I took it off the frame and had it rolled up in my bag. As they were leaving immediately after their set I was scared I'd miss my chance so I nabbed Laurence for a hug and gave him a letter I'd written them all...and, without entirely meaning to, the painting too.

My effort for the for Remember My Name fan lyric video - with various songs in the letters

After the set the emotions kicked in...I went into ubermum mode handing out pocket tissues and giving hugs. Not only out of consideration for others but, as I said before, to trying to keep the mood in the room as positive as possible. As my pinned tweet at the time said: save the tears for the hotel.

 10th photo with the bae

Naturally I still lurked for another hug and photo with Laurence. While we were waiting Pillnahn brought a bunch of us beers which was pretty damn cool :) Showed Laurence my tattoo and adorably he critiqued his handwriting - I asked him if he'd write me out some more, which he very kindly did and I'll be getting that inked next. The first - Tu eris in solis radios aurorae - is "you'll be there in the sun's first rays of the morning" and this is "you'll be here in my blood til the day I die" also from City Falls To Dust...a lyric that has seemed really apt since the split.

 More Latin

Got a hug with Shane too, and another from Drew before we got booted out. Then we lurked outside. There was a really nice vibe to it all, actually. Everyone seemed more talkative than usual, or maybe it was just that I was just hanging with the in crowd for a change...a real family feel to it all. I swear, I love this fandom so much. We lurked out back while KVK packed up their van, then there were more photos, more hugs, a group pic...poor Laurence was trying to get everyone in the van before Shane got too tired to drive them home and it just wasn't happening! Again with the ubermum I told Drew to make sure they did pull up for a break if need be. Yet another hug from Laurence and Drew...so many hugs! Actually resorted to poking Luke and demanding a hug cos I seemed to be constantly on the wrong side of him and I wasn't agreeable to missing out!

I don't think it'd even be possible to not enjoy a Fearless - or Kierless - Vampire Killers gig, but this was an incredibly special one, for all it may have been the last...whatever comes next it's going to be brilliant and I will be there every step of the way.

 Love these guys - Lost Hearts forever!!!

So, FVK did the thing...

It was on July 4th 2016 that the post I had dreaded to see popped up on my timeline. Three weeks on I think I'm still processing.

From the day I first 'discovered' Fearless Vampire Killers I feel like I was consciously avoiding thinking about this but it probably happened the best way it could. Unlike a certain My Chemical Romance I could mention they put out a full statement on the two biggest public forums they use and followed it up with personal tweets. There was a solid reassurance that all members intend to continue in music (Kier on his own projects; the others together but under a new name) which has helped enormously. I think the biggest fear was that in the event of a split certain people would disappear out of my life forever and I am in no way able to cope with that prospect.

On Kier
I absolutely support Kier's decision. I know from personal experience how hard it is to walk away from something you have worked hard for because it's no longer what you want; how hard it is to put your own well-being above the people closest to you.
I'm sad he felt the need to do this and I really wish he could've waited until after Reading Festival but I see why he couldn't lead everyone on after he'd reached his decision....and I appreciate that he took the time to sit on that decision until he was really sure, although it might have been better if he'd told his bandmates how he was feeling.
That said, I am not really that interested in what he does next. He's a talented chap and I wish him well but he was the member of FVK I gelled least with if you know what I mean.

On Luke, Laurence, Drew and Shane
Obviously this is where my heart lies. The songwriting team of Drew and Laurence is, for me, what made FVK truly great and that being unchanged I have absolute confidence that whatever they go on to do it will be amazing.

Of course I'm gutted about Reading and I have no idea what to do with my ticket. I'd quite like to see Thrice but I really don't fancy going now...and I've offered my ticket for sale with no buyers. On the plus side the 'Kierless Vampire Killers' honoured their ShieldFest commitment which I think I'll write a separate blog about.

I know the KVK will need time to figure out their next moves, to work out how to move forward and to settle their affairs with Kier but mostly I'm just impatient for that to happen so I can have more gigs to look forward to. In the meantime I am using tattoo appointments to look forward to instead.

I had already (FINALLY!) booked the appointment to get Laurence's handwriting in Latin inked for the 7th of July before they did the thing and I am thrilled with the result; my next is being done on the 28th and I have 3-4 more tats in the pipeline...

Gun Ownership Restrictions and Common Sense VS the NRA

All quotes: http://www.pbs.org/newshour/bb/obama-to-gun-owners-im-not-looking-to-disarm-you/#

"Why don't we treat this like every other thing that we use? I just came from a meeting today in the Situation Room in which I got people who we know have been on ISIL Web sites, living here in the United States, U. S. citizens, and we're allowed to put them on the no-fly list when it comes to airlines, but because of the National Rifle Association, I cannot prohibit these people from buying a gun." - President Barrack Obama

There were a whole bunch of responses to this statement, particularly of the "To restrict someone based off what they read is a dangerous course. I don't care if it's a book, a website or a letter, it is punishment without due process. Restricting the rights of a person without due process is the opposite of what we claim to be about." (Observations99) variety. Now obviously Americans take their civil liberties very seriously but what is the alternative? The same argument that is applied here - visiting a terrorist organisation's website does not make you a terrorist was previously used as a defence against child pornography websites, that looking at these things did not make you a paedophile...which is now understood to be nonsense. Websites generate revenue from hits - by visiting a criminal website you may be supporting that crime financially. It has been established that there is no legitimate reason to look at child pornography 'for research'; similarly there is no legitimate reason to be visiting an ISIL website. Waiting for a paedophile to physically hurt a child is irresponsible, waiting for a terrorist sympathiser to mount an attack is waiting too long. If someone is pointing a gun at a woman and her child do you wait for them to pull the trigger or do you call for help / attempt to intervene / cause a distraction BEFORE they get shot? Preemptive measures will always be unpopular and someone will inevitably suffer for it BUT is the right of the individual greater than that of the masses? I don't think so. I would rather be wrongly subjected to restrictions than have my children slaughtered because those restrictions couldn't be applied to someone who really deserved it. The idea that a person's travel can be restricted on suspicion but their ability to buy weaponry can't...totes illogical.

"Safety laws are applied to all individuals equally - both law abiding and non-law abiding.

The example Obama uses is that everyone must get a driver's license and pass a test to prove they can safely drive a vehicle. Even if you are a known felon, child molester, tax avoider, etc you can still get a license. Then everyone must register their vehicle regardless of how they acquired it. Again.. doesn't matter what laws you have broken (or not broken) in the past. I will also mention that a car is considered a deadly weapon depending on how it is used.

The only time special scrutiny is applied is after you have committed a crime directly related to driving (drunken driving, reckless driving, etc). Then your license and ability to drive be revoked or curtailed." - Sean

This statement raises some interesting points: the ownership restrictions on cars doesn't affect the majority and we don't question the existence of those restrictions anymore (once upon a time driving licences hadn't been invented and literally anyone could get behind the wheel without censure). Virtually anyone can own a car, virtually anyone (in America) can own a gun - but is that really such a good idea? And cars have to be registered, taxed, insured; the driver licenced...why isn't this applied to guns? Why are people free to buy multiple weapons without checks? Why aren't they required to purchase insurance against the use of those guns - to cover you if a bullet ricochets and hits someone or damages their property, for example? Procedures that would have minimal impact on the responsible but be something of a deterrent to others. A car has a valid, practical use...hunting is the only valid, practical use of a gun and that doesn't apply to most American gun owners.

"How does registering a car decrease crimes that utilize cars? When there are drinking and driving accidents who calls for stricter licensing, more training and bans of certain types of cars? Who calls for cars to be governed so they cannot exceed the speed limit? Nobody. Who calls for mandatory breathalyzers to be installed in every car (analogous to a background check for every gun purchase), Nobody. Who calls for restrictions on the amount of alcohol you can buy? Nobody, they call for stricter penalties on the perpetrators. Yet you demand analogous restrictions on all guns and their owners not just on criminals. Why is it different for guns? Because you want to take our guns, you have no interest in banning cars." - George Mason

Okay, this is gonna be fun...

• How does registering a car decrease crimes that utilize cars? - It's harder to commit a crime with a car that can be easily traced back to the owner. It's a deterrent and it means the gov't know you have that car...shouldn't the gov't know about that home arsenal you're putting together?!
• When there are drinking and driving accidents who calls for stricter licensing, more training and bans of certain types of cars? - not sure how alcohol and the crime committed by drunk drivers is linked here, but the sale of alcohol is licensed and restricted.
• Who calls for cars to be governed so they cannot exceed the speed limit? - plenty of people actually. The ability of cars to travel at well over the legal limit is contentious. The popular UK car Vauxhall Corsa has a top speed of 113 MPH; 43 MPH over the top speed limit in the country. Totally unnecessary to enable people to break the law.
• Who calls for mandatory breathalyzers to be installed in every car? - actually again plenty of people would like this to be a thing. Just imagine how many lives would be saved each year!
• Who calls for restrictions on the amount of alcohol you can buy? - again, this is actually a thing. It'd do a lot for public health too. And coming from the nation that came up with prohibition that's just funny.
• You demand analogous restrictions on all guns and their owners not just on criminals. Why is it different for guns? - because a car is a transport vehicle, because alcohol is an intoxicating substance but a gun is a WEAPON PURELY FOR KILLING. WHY ARE YOU TOO FUCKING DUMB TO SEE THAT???

Also, why are you so hung up on linking alcohol and driving? Car drivers can't use mobile phones, eat or drink while driving. Driving while on drugs, driving while tired...there are many factors in non-deliberate road deaths and I don't know about America but in the UK there are all sorts of rules and regulations aimed at preventing these things. A person receives points on their licence for infractions and at a certain point will lose their licence. A person who receives certain medical diagnoses can lose their licence as unfit to drive...why doesn't this apply to gun ownership? Infractions like improper storage and wrongfully discharging a firearm would incur penalty points; visiting terrorist websites and diagnoses such as psychotic illness would involve a revoking of a licence. No one can just go buy a car, they have to have a valid driver's licence...allowing any idiot to go buy a gun is all kinds of nuts. Only a true dumbfuck would put an individual's 'right' to own an offensive weapon over the rights of innocent people to not get slaughtered.

Mrs Rock-Star the second

Feeling inclined to write a sequel to an earlier blog as it ties in rather neatly (see: For Example, Being Mrs Rock-Star - Feb 2016).

Note: I am using a hetero-centric male rock star / female non celebrity partner dynamic throughout because that is the kind of fantasy relationship I am in LOL. I fully acknowledge that other scenarios are possible and valid.

Recent events which are none of my business brought some further hypothetical issues to mind. Without referring to specific cases I think we've all seen enough of 'fandoms' to realise that petty rivalries and general bitching can get way out of hand...and it doesn't take much of a leap to realise how an actual wife, girlfriend or significant other is liable to get treated in such an environment. Even in the nicest of fandoms a certain I-love-him-more-than-you attitude can fester away which can be bad enough when it's all hypothetical.

So how do I feel about this? Given my imaginary boy-toy I have given this a fair bit of thought.

Firstly, I think there are probably two types of rock-star significant other...those to whom fame is an inconvenient side-effect, and those who were attracted by it. I don't think either kind is innately better suited to the role - finding the IDEA of fame appealing does not equate to enjoying it as a day-to-day REALITY. What I do think is that the Mrs Rock-Star with her head screwed on will do better than the one who thinks it'll be all glossy magazine spreads. Facing up to reality is key here.

So, what is the reality? Obviously a huge amount depends on the specific people involved but basically just like when any couple get together and you have to deal with his family and friends getting involved with a rock star means you're involved with his fan base...whether you like it or not.

Regarding that fan base you can engage, keep to the sidelines or hide. There is no golden rule here.

Even if you think you will stay well out of it don't imagine for one second that some sneaky little so-and-so won't be posting about you on social media behind your back. They might even set up fake social networking accounts in your identity. Personally that is why I think maintaining a presence in the fan base is the way to go - makes it easier to avoid being blamed for stirring up shit storms that were nothing to do with you for one thing. So that'd be my first recommendation: own your identity.

Obviously engaging with a fan base is easier if you have really good self esteem and the hide of a rhino. But is that essential? Obviously I'm talking from a position of total speculation here but I don't think so. If you're going to take every hurtful comment to heart you're in for a hard time but it could be just as difficult imagining what is being said behind your back. It can also give you an opportunity to address criticisms and aid you to present yourself how you want to be seen.

I'm under no illusions. I know my fantasy rock star is never gonna pick me and if in some bizarre alternate reality that actually happened I know I would never have the full, unconditional support of the fan base. It totally goes against human nature! I'm definitely not drawn to the idea of dating a rock star but I love him so that's what I'd have to deal with to be his. So how would I deal with it? Badly, probably! My self esteem is shit. But I'd definitely own my online identity, I'd get pretty harsh about muting the haters; I'd save up the nice comments and do my best to see the negatives as petty jealousy.

What I would be exceptionally careful of is that I didn't allow it to affect my relationship. The worst this shit can really do is cause stress or make you a needier partner. No matter what kind of relationship you're in it's never up to your partner to make up for the shit other people give you. Bring, as far as you can, only good stuff to your relationship. Leave everything else out with the trash.